Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmrUj2IK8ns

I have so much “content” to catch up on.  Let’s see what you got, ladies.  Start with everyone’s “favourite”: Erin Plays.

A pick ups video?  That’s unusual for Erin.  Because she doesn’t actually buy video game shit.  And indeed, that’s the case here.  This is yet another stealth ad for Numskull.  

0:15 – She starts with the ad.  It’s this fucking Pac-Man “mini arcade”.  She already fucking got one from a previous stealth ad from Numskull.  But this one has different artwork on it.  Who the fuck cares?  

Even somebody who’s interested in video games wouldn’t want this shit.  Right?  Who’s buying this stuff?  Who would want to play on a tiny screen, using a tiny joystick, and it’s a struggle to keep the things from toppling over.  In her original stealth ad, she had to put her hand on top of the fucking thing to keep it from falling over.  Yeah, that looks like fun.  That’s the way that I want to play Pac-Man.  

Or, you know, on my fucking PC.  With a big screen.  On MAME.  Using a rom.  Costs me nothing.  Plug in a controller if you want but I’m happy with using a keyboard.

1:00 – “It kind of reminds me of walking into the arcade in the 80s.  I mean, I was born very late 80s, so I guess I can’t…ummm…speak on that.”

Yeah, well, no shit.  She just caught herself in her own lie.  “Wait a minutes…I can’t say that this reminds me of the 80s…I was 2 years old in 1989”.

It’s just fucking ridiculous.  

Ooh, before I forget.  It was Erin’s birthday recently.  As here:

https://twitter.com/ErinPlays_Games/status/1326030262904508418

It’s officially my 33rd birthday on the East Coast, and all I wanna do is browse through an issue of Nintendo Power from 1990. Super C cover! I think I’ll like this one. Live now!

She didn’t upload the video to her Youtube channel so I missed just how pathetic this was.  But we can all imagine.  She actually did a totally zero effort video on her birthday solely to shake the horndogs down for money.  “It’s my birthday.  Give me money”.  That’s the clear message being sent here.  

And of course she uses “the East Coast” to reference rural Pennsylvania.  Isn’t Pennsylvania landlocked?  None of it is touching the Atlantic Ocean, is it?  So…it’s not even an East Coast state, surely.  Let me look this up.

https://www.geographyrealm.com/how-many-states-are-along-the-east-and-west-coasts/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Coast_of_the_United_States

I was right.  Suck on that geography.  Fucking imbecile doesn’t even know where she lives.

Anyway, the horndogs come out in force on that Tweet.  Even the Immortal John Hancock wishes her a happy birthday.

Happy Birthday! You are a great person and wish you nothing but the best in life!

She’s still not going to go out with you, you desperate fuck.  Doesn’t he have a wife and children anyway?  He sure does:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=eXdk7mrCwSw

What a sick fuck.  

Somebody asks her if she’s going to get the new XBox.  She says, “Not any time soon.”  She doesn’t make videos about modern video games, after all.  So why would she get one?

Kieran also leaves a message but that just looks like an obligatory thing that he did on behalf of Screenwave Media.  Or maybe he’s just really bad at flirting.  Probably the latter.

Oh, Hungry Goriya also leaves birthday greetings.  She’s like the only woman to have done so.  She’s presumably a lesbian.

BroomHatter left a message.  He’s a regular horndog on her streams.

NINfanIam69 is another one.  I think he goes as “NINfan” in her streams.  

Conspicuously absent: Shishi, Joe from Gamesack, and JOHN RIGGS.

Anyway, back to this awful video from this 33 year old fake gamer grrl.

1:45 – “Cool artwork even on the bezel?  I believe that that’s called the ‘bezel’.  I always forget.”

Oh yeah.  Because you’re forever talking about arcade cabinets, aren’t you?  

Is it the bezel?  I don’t know or care.  I think it is.  But at least I’m not sitting here pretending to be a hardcore arcade enthusiast like Erin is.

2:30 – So that was that.  “Thank you Numskull for more shit that I’m never going to touch.”  She moves on to the next item: a Hello Kitty Dreamcast.  

This was an early birthday gift from Mike.  Cute.  What 33 year old woman who doesn’t give a fuck about video games DOESN’T want a Hello Kitty Dreamcast from 20 years ago?

Why does everybody seem to buy into the illusion?  How the fuck can Mike not know that this is a fraud?  You might think that Mike is just buying this shit so that she has something to put on her channel and he’s fully aware that this is a charade to shake down mentally challenged horny losers.  

No.  He seems to buy it.  He seems to think that Erin is genuinely interested in video games.  I’m thinking of the time when he suggested that Erin had a Vectrex as a kid and Erin had to correct him and tell him that she only got a Vectrex recently (for the purposes of a Youtube video).  

I don’t know.  Maybe he was just trying to fool the audience with that comment and Erin wasn’t going along with it.  But it’s all very weird.  Even if everyone knows that this is a scam, why do it?  It’s not working.  She’s making $200/month with this shit.  

This is maybe a weird example, but I’m reminded of a Big Brother UK contestant who was about 40 (so considerably older than most contestants), had huge breast implants that her husband bought for her, and this husband also paid for her to be a contestant on the show.  There was some contest and he somehow bought the winning…whatever it was.  

This woman wanted to be some kind of celebrity so her rich husband threw some money at it.  

So what came of it?  Nothing.  The woman had zero charisma or talent.  She sat around and did nothing all day.  Some weird-looking, big titted bitch who was more plastic than human.  Who the fuck wants to look at that?  

But she had a rich husband who humoured her aspirations for fame.  In spite of the overwhelming mountain of evidence that it was never going to happen.  You don’t become a celebrity at the age of 40, looking like that, with all of that botched surgery, with no talent or charisma.  

So anyway.  Reminded me of Erin and Mike’s relationship.  

3:00 – Then Erin tells a story of going to a Sanrio store and seeing one of these Dreamcasts behind the counter.  So another riveting story of something that Erin didn’t do.

3:30 – “I wish that they would make stuff like this now because it’s just so cool.”

You wouldn’t buy it.  She just tweeted about how she has no interest in the new XBox.  I don’t think that slapping Hello Kitty on it would change her opinion.  She might buy it for a video but she’s not playing that shit.

Then she’s literally reading the various marks on the console.  Including “Designed for Windows”.  She’s taken aback by this.  She’s obviously totally unfamiliar with Dreamcast.  By the way, it says “Designed for Windows CE” but she doesn’t know what that is.  I don’t either but I’ve seen the fucking logo because I had a Dreamcast.  This isn’t all new to me like it obviously is to Erin.  She actually read the “Sega” logo.  

Then she just shows that it’s also blue on the INSIDE of the machine!  Wow!  I love colours!  I mean…this is infant shit.  

4:00 – “I kind of want to get the pink one.  So that I have a blue and pink one.  I think that’s a good idea.”

Why?  You’re not going to play either of them.  And why would you?  Why would anyone?  There have been Dreamcast emulators for about as long as there have been Dreamcasts.  They work pretty good now.  Total cost: zero.

But she’s just talking about colours some more.  It’s completely ridiculous.  This is very early human developmental stuff that she seems to be trapped in.  Pre-speech.  Babies are amazed by all the different colours in the world.  Not 33 year old women.

So anyway, she’s showing the controller.  Is she going to read the controller too?  “A”, “B”, et cetera?

Oh my god, she is.  She again reads the Dreamcast logo.  

You know what I’d like to see?  Erin reading the little warning on consoles and maybe controllers about not opening them due to risk of electric shock.  It’s kind of hard to read these, maybe that’s why she didn’t, but I think that it would be worth the effort.

And what about, “Made in China”?  Why didn’t she read that one?  That’s always interesting.

Oh, and the copyright date.  I wish she would have read that too.”1999.  That was a good year.”

You know what Erin was doing in 1999?  NOTHING!  Same as every year.  And she sure as fuck wasn’t playing Dreamcast.

4:45 – Oh my god.  She’s showing the keyboard now.  I can’t wait.  Read us the keys, Erin.  I see esc, F1, F2…oh I can go on.  And Japanese characters on here too.  How is she going to read those?  Does she know what the characters are called?  

5:15 – “It reminds me of that iMac that I wanted back in the day”

She’s talking about hues again.  It’s a similar shade of blue to the iMac that she wanted.  But didn’t get.  Of course.  That’s all of her stories.  She saw something or she wanted something but she didn’t get it.  

“Originally it also came with a game called Hello Kitty Garden Panic.”

She’s literally reading from Wikipedia.  You can see her reading off the screen.  A lot of this video has clearly been rehearsed.  But badly rehearsed.  She can’t even fucking hide that she’s reading.  Spend two fucking seconds memorising the name of the game and then recite the line.  What’s so hard about that?  She doesn’t want to put the effort in.  Just clearly read it from Wikipedia.

She has no familiarity with the game, of course.  You might even say that she never played it before.

Then she goes back to Wikipedia to mention some more Hello Kitty software that it came with.

Then she seems annoyed that the games didn’t come with her particular system.  What an ungrateful bitch.

THIS WAS FREE!  IT WAS A GIFT!  IT COST YOU NOTHING!

Now, I’ve received bad gifts.  Shit that I don’t want.  Whatever.  Everyone has.  But this is something that, I guess, Erin wanted.  Or at least Erin Plays (the fake internet persona of Erin) wanted.  So what’s the problem?  You’re going to bitch about the pack in software not being included in this 20 year old used console?  She wouldn’t have played it anyway.

How much are these Dreamcasts?  About $500 on Ebay.  She’s complaining about a $500 gift.  

It’s just unbelievable.  This is somebody who makes $200/month complaining about a $500 gift.  And before she was a fake gamer grrl, she was making ten bucks an hour in “SoCal”.  In a record store.  

Does she have no appreciation for the value of a dollar?  If it weren’t for Mike, she would still be struggling with these shit jobs, making ten bucks an hour.  You can’t live on a record store wage.  I think that she was living with her parents.  It’s just disgusting.

6:15 – New item.  “I know I’ve always said that I’m not *nostalgic* for the Nintendo 64, despite having one growing up.  But I’ve always been a sucker for the colourised versions.”

Yeah.  And she’s holding an orange N64.  This is fucking stupid.  More infantile hue appreciation.  What comes next in the development cycle?  Anal retentiveness?

Then she goes on and on and on about which colours she really likes and which ones she only kind of likes.

7:00 – Another fascinating story about Erin wanting something and not getting it.

Maybe your mother knew that you were an ungrateful bitch who had no interest in video games.

7:15 – Lastly, we have a Sailor Moon DS game.

Cute.

8:15 – “I think that the font that they were using for Sailor Moon in that period wasn’t that cute.”

Oh.  Interesting.

So that’s what she bought.  Well…I don’t actually know if she bought any of this.  She definitely didn’t buy the Pac-Man promotional thing, or the Dreamcast.  

I dare say that she didn’t buy ANY of this.  How could she?  She’s making $200/month.  

– “20 years later Erin still gets video games for her birthday”

Erin “hearted” this comment.  Why?  She knows full well that it’s not true.  She didn’t get video games as a child.  Or as an adult.  She didn’t start buying games until she was 29 years old and started her Youtube channel.

– “Erin i’m 17 and i been playing teenage mutant ninja turtles on my nes and i can’t beat it, it fucking makes me rage quit. any suggestions on how to beat it?thx! and have an amazing day”

Erin replies, “I haven’t beaten it yet either. It’s hard. Just practice and watch people’s play throughs for tips!”

Billy comes back with “@ErinPlays thanks for the suggestions. btw your my #1 fav youtuber. sending love all the way from vermont,usa”

Unbelievable.  Why did this guy think that she would have any video game knowledge to share?  And even when she admits that she can’t help because she doesn’t care about video games, he still kisses her ass and talks about how she’s his favourite gamer grrl.  It’s madness.

– “Nice pickups! I wish the Dreamcast lasted longer and had more games. I need to get one soon! I’ve been beefing up my dvd/blu ray movie collection a little and collecting for ps2 again. It feels good, Erin. :)”

You know what else feels good?  Being in a relationship with somebody who cares about you.  Try it out.  Don’t fill that hole with old shit and fake gamer grrls on the internet.

– “That isn’t watermelon n64 because watermelon color n64 is a Japanese only and has a see through white on the bottom”

So a rare gap in Erin’s great video game knowledge has been exposed.