Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGWHi4Ebefo

Kinsey from the Metal Jesus crew is back for her quarterly video.  I might have watched one of her videos before.  So let’s…let’s just get through it and hope that somebody starts uploading semi-interesting “content” soon.

0:00 – Is there a fucking ice cream truck in the background?  I had to actually pause the video thinking that there was an ice cream truck outside my home.  No, I think it’s just some weird, post-production soft music that she put in.

0:30 – So she’s going to talk about three “indy” games.  The first one is Short Hike.  It’s a game where you’re in a park/mountain and the goal is to climb the mountain.

I get a strong feeling that this video is going to be boring as fuck so I’ll just tell a story that I’m reminded of.

I went on a little trip with my girlfriend.  She likes going to parks and whatever so I saw a big park on Google Maps so I suggested we go.  I can’t remember if that the was the main purpose of our journey or we did something else earlier in the day or what.

But we go to this park and we’re walking for a while and I notice that the elevation starts increasing.  Eventually, it dawns on me that this is some kind of mountain.  But by the time I figure it out, we’re already well on our way up.

So I ask my girlfriend if she wants to go back and she says no.  She also stops a few times to rest and I keep saying that we can go back, it’s not a problem, but she keeps saying that she wants to continue.

Also, there comes a point where I realise that we’re so far up this mountain that it would be faster to continue up than go back down.  And this is worrying.  She keeps wanting to rest, I wasn’t prepared to climb a mountain today, she wasn’t prepared.  She has inappropriate footwear and she’s wearing a skirt.  We don’t have any food or water.

For a lot of the journey, there’s like steps carved into the rock so it’s not like scaling a mountain with ropes and a pickaxe and whatever but it’s still an effort.

We eventually get to a big plateau and people are camped out there having picnics and shit.  And this is like…I don’t know…80% up this mountain.  So we’re almost there.  But the last 20% doesn’t have steps and the path isn’t terribly clear.  There’s a lot of people also doing this but not so many that you can just follow somebody.

We manage to get to the top and there’s some kind of monument there.  A bunch of people are always taking pictures around this monument.  So we manage to take a picture.  She’s happy that she made it to the top.  I had to hold her hand a lot, especially for this last 20% because it was steep and she was tired and whatever.  So I’m happy too because I didn’t think that she was going to make it.  And I’m tired too.

But then I start thinking, “How are we possibly going to get down?”  Because I’m fucking exhausted and I can’t believe that she even made it.

So we start heading down and we get kind of lost.  The only way further down that I can see is to jump down like a seven foot drop.  So I very reluctantly drop down and I hurt my leg on the landing.  And then I think, “How the fuck is she going to do this?  She’s a foot shorter than me.”  And she doesn’t want to do it because she’s wearing a skirt.  And it’s like this narrow passage that you have to jump down on to.  I almost died.

So I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how I can get back up to where she is and she doesn’t want to jump down.

Then some guy comes along and says that he can guide her to where I am.  So whatever, she goes off with this strange man and like five minutes later, I see her.

Now I have this hurt leg and we’re still way up the fucking mountain and I just don’t want to be here.  But then, as we continue walking, we get to the other side of the mountain.  And the other side of the mountain is just a slope at like a 45 degree angle straight down.  So this is no problem.

We walk down, it takes no time at all, and eventually we make it back to the train station.  It starts getting dark so it’s a good thing we did all of this when we did.

We get back to my place and I check the map again because I’m pissed off at the cartographer for not labelling this as a mountain.  But then I see the elevation lines so whatever.  It was my fault.  And I can say that I climbed a mountain, of sorts.  And I get a story out of this so I don’t have to talk about Kinsey Burke’s boring as fuck video.

3:30 – Then she starts talking about beer.  What the fuck?  This is apparently something that she does.  She pairs a beer with a game.  What kind of a hardcore alcoholic is going to be interested in this?  “What beer goes with Volgarr the Viking?”  Who would even ask the question?  Who’s drinking alcohol while playing video games?

Then she shouts out John Riggs because this beer is brewed in the same city that he lives in.

This is fucking idiotic.  “I’m going to drink beer and play video games.  That’s my idea of a good time.”  Who says this?  That’s sad.  This should not be encouraged.

You have all of these lonely guys watching the video, they have nothing going on, “Oh, just go drink beer by yourself.  That’s normal.”

It’s not normal.  It’s a symptom of a real problem.  And she’s apparently doing this on the regular.  Drinking alone.  Playing video games.  There’s more to life than this.

Then she starts talking about the flavours and shit.  I don’t get it.  All beer tastes exactly the same to me.  Like shit.

Then she goes on about all of the beer that she’s been drinking this summer and how wonderful it is.  This is just a sad, empty existence.  And forgive me for saying but this is a large woman.  I don’t think that the beer is helping with her weight.

The game she reviewed was about a bird climbing a mountain.  She lives in Seattle.  There are surely mountains that she can climb.  Why not go for it?  Gets you out of the house, gives you some exercise, have a little adventure.

6:15 – SpiritFarer is the next game.  It’s cute.

9:30 – She reviews another beer.

I’m not some Puritan.  I’m not a teetotaler.  I drink beer.  But moderately.  And socially.  I’m not sitting in my fucking underpants playing video games and drinking beer.  That’s pathetic.

The “pandemic” isn’t an excuse.  What have I been doing during the “pandemic”?  Working out.  Building the Adonis.  Imagine if Kinsey was doing the same.  We could be looking at some slim and stacked woman right now instead of…well…what we have.

12:00 – Last game is Wattam.  It’s also cute.  The first game was cute as well.  These are all “feel good” games.

We don’t get any alcohol for this game.

Can I suggest Snake Venom?  It’s 67.5% alcohol.  And that’s all that really matters.  You’re not drinking this shit for the taste.

Or what about rubbing alcohol?  That’s like 70% alcohol.  Think of the fun that can be had with a glass of rubbing alcohol and Papers, Please.

On to the comments.  Horny John Riggs is top comment, of course.  Nothing interesting so I won’t even bother copy and pasting it.

– “I always appreciate the beer reviews. I’m not really a fan of beer being more of a fan of gin, rum and spirits in general, but you’ve encouraged me to try different things over the years and I’ve found that I like certain coffee porters and stouts and recently I tried a few different weisse beers and they’re pretty good ice cold on a hot day.”

Oh great.  This guy is clearly leading a full life.  She “hearted” the comment.

– “You really do need to produce more vids – love your content; booze and games, what more can you ask for?!”

A meaningful relationship.  A job that you enjoy.  Interesting hobbies.

– “Everyday I get a little closer to playing Spiritfairer. Happy birthday and wonderful video! 🙂 also I just be a short hike a few days ago and it was a cute experience. :-)”

That was from Pelvic Gamer.  Circle jerk promotion.

Oh, Linda the Gamer Girl left a message.  I think that I did a review of some of her shit before.  Or maybe I erased it before publishing it.  Sometimes I write something and it’s just too depressing so I erase it.  That might have been the case here.  It’s a woman with serious mental health problems.

CannotBeEntertaining also left a message:

– “Yay, a Kinsey video! Happy birthday! I just finished Spiritfarer last night and it was so nice.”

The usual dull as fuck shit from that bore.  And again, circle jerk promotion.

It’s all just sad.  They have to leave these messages all over the internet in an effort to get PENNIES more for their shitty Youtube channels.  It’s not worth it.  Get a fucking job.