https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWAeXHmOH-c
I actually caught this one “live”. The “premiere”. The comments in the chat were so idiotic that I had to turn them off.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to watch this again. But I turned it off shortly after AVGN’s appearance. It was just horrendous.
So…let’s get to this.
0:30 – He enters in some Dick Tracy cosplay. But I’m pretty sure it’s a fucking raincoat. Or maybe it’s like a plastic children’s Halloween costume. Whatever it is, it’s not a trench coat.
Now, obviously, where are you going to find a yellow trench coat.
No, wait. I just checked. There are some. They’re women’s coats but that would still be better than this fucking…whatever he’s wearing.
1:00 – Some of that awful Irate Gaming animation that the world loves. And of course it’s all voiced by Chris BORES.
1:15 – Chris BORES in his Death costume appears. I don’t even fucking get it. But he had this cast of characters, all played by himself, that he would put in the videos. It was just sad. Like he didn’t have any friends who could help him with this shit. That’s undoubtedly the case but it just looks pathetic. Just don’t have these fucking characters. That solves the problem. They’re bland as fuck anyway. Show me the person clamouring for the return of this Death character. I don’t even know it’s name. If it even has a name.
1:30 – “Dick Tracy is one of my favourite movies from 1990”.
Oh, what a ringing endorsement that is. Not even his favourite from 1990. And who even has favourite films by year?
“It’s a film that doesn’t get much loves these days.”
Yeah. Because it sucks ass.
2:30 – “And the best thing is that we didn’t just get one main villain. We got like 20 of them all thrown into the same movie together. How can you go wrong with that formula?”
By killing them all in the opening scene, which is what happened here.
3:00 – “Everything about this movie shaped up to be pretty great.”
He’s on another planet. He keeps going on about how kids were all about Dick Tracy. It’s true to an extent. There was a lot of hype around the movie before it was released. But then after it was released, when kids actually went to see it, they came back and told everybody that it was complete dog shit. Then the hype immediately died. That’s why there was no sequel. That’s why nobody cares about this film today. That’s why nobody cared about it as soon as it was released.
3:00 – Then he starts going on and on and on about how he didn’t like Madonna’s role. He makes comments like:”She’s the hot bombshell? I wouldn’t bang her with Megaman’s dick”
Never mind the bizarre video game phallic comment. Why does he keep going on about her not being attractive?
I’ve never understood the appeal of Marilyn Monroe. I think her sex appeal is grossly overrated but I’d still give her some loving because I’m not fucking gay.
Similarly, Madonna’s sex appeal might be overrated but I’m not going to make a video where I go on and on about how hideous she is. It’s ridiculous. And it sounds super gay.
4:00 – Then he starts going on about the Dick Tracy toys and how awesome they were. I don’t know a single person who had these things. Again, the film was shit.
I remember the hype with the McDonalds game and whatever. Then I remember kids coming back from having seen the film and talking about how awful it was. Then I saw it myself and was massively disappointed. This is how the saga played out.
Nothing he says resonates with me. The movie was a complete failure. It came and went. We moved on to other things. This is throwaway culture. I don’t have any *nostalgia* for garbage.
4:15 – Then he shows a McDonalds scratch off ticket. He scratches them off and wins a dollar off of a Big Mac. Then he says, “Can you imagine the looks I’d get if I try to redeem this shit today?”
Well, the expiration date is probably right there on the card if you read it.
5:00 – Then he rips up the card because he’s “irate”.
I wonder how much this rare piece of McDonalds and Dick Tracy memorabilia cost him. I’m seeing a lot of eight on Ebay for $300. So that’s $37.50 each. That’s not much, I guess. He probably spent more on this card than he did on that coat, though.
5:15 – Then he opens a Dick Tracy toy watch that he claims to have had as a child. The battery is dead. Why didn’t he put a new battery in it? Sure, it would have taken some effort but it would have made things slightly more interesting.
5:45 – “I hate to dust this bag of ass pixels off.”
Umm…okay. I don’t even know what that means. He’s talking about the Dick Tracy NES game. A bag of ass pixels. Okay. Ass. That’s funny. I guess.
6:15 – “As a kid, what would you like to do in a Dick Tracy video game after seeing the movie.”
He must be from some parallel universe where kids actually liked this film. It’s just so far removed from my reality. People HATED this shit. They were hyping this shit like it’s the next Batman. Then we saw it. It was massive disappointment. We had been duped. We became more cynical of the media.
7:00 – He has great difficulty with the driving controls and says things like “fuckleficklewalkie” and “numbnuts”. Because he’s really irate. And when he’s irate, he uses profanity that 10 year old boys might use.
9:00 – “This blonde chick wants to jump my bones faster than Toad can tell us that the princess is in another castle.” Then there’s a picture of Toad and Chris BORES says, “Damn it, Toad, you cockblocker.”
None of this makes sense. A woman wants to have sex with you faster than Toad can…what? What does it even mean for a woman to want to have sex with you faster than ANYTHING?
And how is Toad informing you that the princess is in another castle make him a “cockblocker”? Toad didn’t put the princess in another castle. He’s just informing the player that she’s not in this castle.
“So before I start getting blue balls here, let’s get down to our first case.”
Again, it doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense. There’s a woman who really wants to have sex with Chris BORES. He describes this as wanting to do it…fast. Not the actual act of intercourse but…I don’t even know.
But then he talks about getting “blue balls”. Why? There’s a woman who really wants to have sex with you, Chris BORES. Wouldn’t that solve this “blue balls” problem? I guess that the problem is that he’s a gay man and would rather have sex with Toad.
9:15 – He starts the game and gets shot a lot because he’s apparently really bad at video games. He also keeps spinning in circles because apparently he’s also mentally retarded.
Then there’s a side-scrolling part and he dies a lot. This causes him to become “irate”.
10:30 – Then a montage of Silver Surfer NES game deaths for no apparent reason. Nothing makes sense.
10:45 – Then he’s so “irate” that he punches himself in the face with the controller. Who does this? Has anyone ever been so upset that they punched themselves in the face? Is this a response that anyone on earth has ever had to any stimuli?
11:30 – Then there’s a long, disgusting, unfunny diatribe about shitting in a blender and painting your house with the contents.
12:00 – He calls the titular character a “dumb dumpster dick…” I don’t know. A bunch of “funny” words that start with the letter “D”.
Also, I didn’t mention the obnoxious shots of Chris BORES “playing” the game and getting increasingly “irate”. He holds the controller right in front of him, presses buttons in a spastic manner, and is clearly not actually playing the game.
13:15 – So then he calls the police chief (voiced by Chris BORES, of course) on his broken toy watch and is connected to James and his Amazing Multi-Button Dream Shirt.
This is where it goes from stupid to completely unwatchable. James and Chris BORES are clearly just reading lines independent of each other.
And they’re both terrible, terrible, horrendous, terrible actors.
14:45 – Then James starts with the poop talk and this is where I turned it off the first time. IT’S NOT FUNNY. Who the fuck is laughing at this stuff? These stupid, contrived, shit-centric fantasies of James Rolfe. I don’t want to fucking hear this.
17:30 – “After finding Numbers, it’s time to lock up this cockmaster general.”
How is this anything but gay?
17:45 – There’s some very tame dialogue in the game where Breathless Mahoney says something about Dick Tracy dusting her for fingerprints and puritanical Chris BORES apparently finds this offensive. So he says, “Damn honey, if you need it that bad, get in the bathroom and I’ll meet you there in five minutes.
Again, it doesn’t make sense. Does Chris BORES do his love making in the bathroom? I guess that he does. Why else would he say that?
This is more a part of gay culture, though. Glory holes and sex in public bathrooms and whatnot. It’s something that GAY MEN do. Gay men have sex in the bathroom. It’s not really a part of heterosexual culture.
18:45 – More horrendous acting where Chris BORES is mashing buttons, clearly not playing the game, and then his fingers start “bleeding”. But the “blood” is like bright pink. I think that he took like a pink highlighter and just drew on his hand.
19:00 – “What the cock shaving shit.”
I think that’s what he says. Tell me that’s not fucking gay. I think that this video is Chis BORES’s way of coming out of the closet.
19:15 – “Can you just throw me a BONE here?”
And he REALLY emphasised the word “bone”. Come on. You’re gay. Fine. We get it. Nobody cares. Can you just review the fucking game? We don’t need all of the homosexual innuendo.
20:00 – He mentions “blue balls” again. I have no fucking idea why. I don’t know the context. I don’t understand any of this.
20:30 – He talks about outrunning “boner biting dogs.”
Come on. This is too far. You’re fucking gay. And you’re into some really weird shit. Cock shaving and whatever. Fine. That’s your business. We don’t need to fucking hear about it.
And now fucking bestiality? Fuck you, you sick fuck. I’m drawing the line here.
I mean, who the fuck would say something like “boner biting dog” other than some sick fuck who’s into that sort of thing? Never mind the bestiality element, it’s CLEARLY GAY.
How many fucking references to penises does he want to insert in this video? And he went on that whole rant about how Madonna doesn’t do it for him. This is gay. This video is packed with gay references. It’s Chris BORES’ coming out video.
22:00 – He refers to his player character as “assface”. Then he puts a picture of a fictional Dick Tracy villain called “Assface” that has a huge gaping anus for a face.
Chris. We get it. You’re gay. That’s fine. Do whatever you want. Nobody cares. But we don’t need a 25 minute video full of your disgusting sexual fantasies.
22:45 – “You dickface!” Then there’s another picture of a fictional Dick Tracy villain but this time a character with a penis for a nose.
I mean…it’s not just me, right? Surely everyone can see that this is HUGELY GAY.
Then the video just sort of ends and there’s an advertisement for you to buy an AVGN vs Chris BORES shirt. Who the fuck would want that?
I mean…this whole thing was disgusting. For the first couple of references, I was just saying that Chris BORES was gay as sort of a joke. But then it just became undeniably obvious when you look at the sheer volume of penis references, and his misogynistic comments, and sex in the bathroom, and all the shit talk, and AssFace, and PenisFace…this is fucking gross. This is a gay man’s cry for help.
It’s okay, Chris. Go watch some “It Gets Better” videos. You don’t have to traumatise your audience with this gay porn disguised as a video game review. I’m an adult and I was traumatised by this video. I saw some of these Youtube chat comments during the “premiere”. They were clearly all children. How do you suppose they felt after seeing this disgusting shit?
I can shed some light on this. I managed to save some of the comments. These were the final comments in the chat.
The Otaku King says, “thx guys for turning me gay! great show”
So it’s not just me. This video was HUGELY GAY. I mean, what the fuck?
If you’re gay, that’s fine. But you don’t have to insert your vile fantasies into a video game review. There’s a time and a place. Go put your little PVC raincoat on and your AVGN vs Chris BORES shirt and go down to the leather bar. Tell them all about your boner biting fantasies. You might find a more receptive audience there.