https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlQ26e-C6WY
The triumphant return of Retro Ali! She’s back from the asylum! What faces will she make in this video? Will she be talking at 400 words per minute? Let’s find out!
0:00 – Oops. No. She hasn’t learned to slow down. I’ll have to set it to half speed. That’s a tip, boys. If you want to watch a Retro Ali video and have any interest whatsoever in understanding what she’s saying, set it to 50% speed. Of course, most people watch Retro Ali with the sound off.
She says that she hasn’t uploaded a video in “a hot minute” (over two months) because of “the whole quarantine thing and I’ve just been preoccupied with literally everything else in the world.”
Umm…okay. She can’t make videos because of quarantine. Did I mention that all of her videos are filmed in her house? So…how does quarantine affect that?
Also, I read on her Twitter that she was taking a break to “focus on my mental health”. No mention of that here, though. Give us the details, Ali. Are you on medication now like our friend The Gaming Historian? What was it that he had? General Anxiety Disorder? Oh poor baby. Let’s dope that dumb bastard up.
You know what I think would have helped The Gaming Historian, though? GETTING A JOB!
Back to Retro Ali.
0:30 – She moved her “office” from the basement to “upstairs”. Sweet. Ali is really moving up in the world. From her parents’ basement to her parents’ attic. Where to next? The guest bedroom? Dare to dream.
2:00 – She’s just showing off her bullshit games that she got. Bunch of RPG shit and Pokemon shit and anime nerd shit.
But she talks about Ranma 1/2 here and that reminds me. I had a copy of Ranma 1/2 #1 from Viz Comics. It’s still somewhere at a family member’s home, I think. It was going for big bucks back in the day (maybe $40) but I think that the market has cooled considerably. Let me look this up…oh, $25 now. That’s not bad, I guess. My copy isn’t mint, though. It’s probably…Very Fine? Fine? There’s some kind of mark in the corner. Cum stain from the previous owner, perhaps. That might actually increase its value among these anime nerds. Vintage jizz.
4:00 – She again says that she hasn’t been uploading videos because she’s “been busy with everything else that’s going on in the world”.
Like what? I don’t fucking get it. Is she out there looting? Looting the local meth labs.
Then she advertises her Patreon. You want to know how many “Patrons” she has? I was looking this up earlier today. It’s fucking hilarious. Let me check again…
TEN! She has ten “patrons”. Let’s say the average person is giving two bucks a month. That’s $20/month. And how much is she getting from Youtube? I’ll check SocialBlade…$0. That’s what SocialBlade estimates her yearly earnings to be. ZERO!
She also plugs her Twitch. What do suppose she makes there? Let’s say $10/month. Sort of split the difference between her Youtube income and her Patreon income.
She also has a “merch” store. How many people do you suppose are getting Retro Ali “merch”? I’ll guess zero.
So she’s doing all of this shit for $30/month.
The lengths people will go for $30. Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a part-time job? Even at minimum wage, you’ll make that in four fucking hours. And you don’t have to embarrass yourself for the whole world to see.
Let me check Numbeo dot com. Where in the world are people living on $30/month? Let me try Cambodia. No…$60 to 100.
I think we just have to go to Africa. Sudan? Is that even a country any more? Yeah. No, it’s about $100 there too.
Fuck. This is really taxing my geography skills. Oh, they have a pull down menu. This will help.
Afghanistan. $250? No shit. Retro Ali can’t even live in war-torn Afghanistan.
Yemen $270.
Oh here we go. Senegal. Give it to me. $160. What the fuck?
Rwanda? $300?!?!?!
What the fuck is America sending all of this money to Africa for? There are Youtubers right there in Methtown, USA making less money that your average African. Fucking Trump.