Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcBaBwZqUb4

(edit: I wrote this like a month ago so it’s a bit out of date)

Erin is uploading clips of Elmo.  That’s what she does.  She knows that the streams are unwatchable so she just uploads the Elmo clips.

So it starts with Mike (as Elmo) singing and Erin has her usual awkward as fuck “banter”.  Then she says something really weird.  

0:45 – Elmo is talking about how Ernie locked the door to the bathroom.  So Erin says, “We’ve talked about that.  It’s probably because he’s taking a bath and crying and he doesn’t want anybody to see him.”

What?  Is this what Erin does?  She cries in the bathtub?

Maybe this is referencing something that I just don’t get.  But I prefer to think that this is a window into Erin’s every day life.  She takes baths and cries about how miserable her life is.  

1:45 – She edited something out.  I don’t care enough to find out what it was.  Probably Mike talking about anal sex again.

2:30 – Mike starts doing his Ernie impression and Erin think that it’s Kermit.

Anyway, the joke is that Elmo catches Ernie masturbating in the bathtub.  Mike did a whole long bit on this during one of his streams.  He must really like this joke.  He’s trying to impress the love of his life Erin with this shit now.

4:00 – “Big Bird was here?  Did I hear Big Bird?”

There was no Big Bird.  Again, Erin is dumb as shit.  He was clearly doing an impression of Ernie and Elmo having a conversation.  She’s ruining his bit with these stupid questions.  She doesn’t realise what he was doing.  She thought that the Ernie impression was Kermit and now Big Bird as well.

But then Mike decides to go with it and says that there were five people in there.  But there wasn’t.  He was doing an impression of Ernie having a conversation with Elmo.  That’s it.  Elmo catching Ernie masturbating in the bathtub.  It’s a simple story that we can all appreciate.  But now, because of Erin’s idiotic questions, he changes the story so that the whole of Sesame Street was in the bathroom.

4:45 – “I don’t know what to say.”

Boy, is that accurate.

Erin will sometimes enter Mike’s streams to give him coffee or something and Mike will try to have a little chat with her.  She’s off camera, she’s just giving him coffee.  And she’s always AWFUL with this.  She’ll just repeat what he’s saying or give some completely braindead, generic response.  This is fucking awful.

I mean, if you’re a boring person or you’re just not good at conversations, it’s fine.  You can still have a meaningful relationship with someone.  A lot of people don’t mind boring people.  It’s no problem.

But this is not good for Youtube.  This is not remotely entertaining.  She has absolutely zero charisma.  

Crying in the bathtub.  I guess that’s what she does.  That would be a place to do it.  You have privacy.  So Erin is just sitting there, quietly sobbing over her life.  She’s making $200/month.  Getting sodomised on the regular by a man she doesn’t love.  It’s terrible.  But it’s a nightmare of her own making.

It reminds me of Bobdunga’s comment about how in Donkey Kong Country 2, she thinks that Dixie Kong is Diddy’s Kong’s girlfriend because she cries when he throws her.  It was something really weird like that.  Let me look this up.

Oh, it was on my sub-reddit.  I’ll have to move them all over to here at some point.  I have them all saved.

“She cites the fact that Dixie Kong cries as proof that she’s in a sexual relationship with Diddy Kong. I know that it doesn’t make any sense but that’s what she says. Maybe there’s a lot of crying in Bobdunga’s relationships.”

The video is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb4ZK-gkrPQ

It’s at about the four minute mark.  There was A LOT of weird shit in that video.  

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQJ6FWXU8G8

Hey, new background.  You know how a lot of “gaming” “Youtubers” will make videos in front of a shelf of games?  Well…Erin is kind of doing that.  The Dollar Store version, anyway.  

Holy shit.  I mean, come on.  Mike has money.  Is this really the best that she could do?  She has a little set of shelves, the cheapest shelves that Ikea sells, and some cheap video game knickknacks on there.   Her stuffed cacodemon, for example.  As a reminder, I’d like to point out that Erin played Doom about three times in her life.  Last year.  On stream, for money.  But now she’s all about Doom.

That shelf is just insanely low-effort.  But this is what she does.  She doesn’t put effort into anything.  And it shows.

Also has a Strokes t-shirt.  Hey guys!  Remember The Strokes?  Well, I’ve heard the name.  Let me check Youtube for their biggest hits.  Oh yeah.  Last Night.  Someday.  Camp shit.  This was during an era when boy band pop music was taking over.  Fine for 12 year old Erin and homosexual men but no, that’s not for me.

So let’s check out this game that she’s playing for the first and last time ever.  On stream, for money.  

0:00 – “So you’re going to see why I’m obsessed with this.”

She starts the stream off with a lie.  The title clearly indicates that she’s playing the game for the first time.  She does not play fucking games in her spare time.  It’s absurd.  Why the lies?  People who are “obsessed” with games play them in their spare time.  That’s the minimum requirement.  Erin doesn’t do that.  Only on stream, for money.

0:15 – “Three streams a week?  I try to at least stream three times a week.  I’ve just been having trouble trying to cram everything I need to do into a day.”

What does she have to do?  She has no job.  THIS is her “job”.  

I’m only kind of working because of coronavirus.  And even before this shit, I was only working like 15 hours a week.  Let me tell you, I have free time.  Lots of it.  

All I have to do is walk to the grocery store every few days, put the dishes in the dishwasher every few days, put clothes in the washing machine about once a week, prepare meals, write GamerGrrl articles, and bathe.  All of that shit doesn’t take up much of my time.  I still manage to play video games like 12 hours a day.  

What is Erin doing that’s keeping her so busy?  How much buttsex can Mike possibly require?

1:00 – “So as I was saying, I did play this briefly before.  I believe on the mini.”

That’s right.  She played this briefly, on stream, for money on the TurboGrafx mini or whatever it was called.  Let me check the archives.

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/06/checking-out-pc-engine-games-on.html

I talk about it there.  It was almost a year ago.  Star Parodier was the first game that she played on this thing.  And she said that she really liked it.  So why is she only now talking about how “obsessed” she is with it?  Why hasn’t she been playing it AT ALL in the past year, in her spare time?  Only now are we hearing about it again.

“Now we own the actual cart and I’m so happy.”

Mike owns it.  But why…it doesn’t make sense.  There was nothing preventing her from playing the game on the Turbografx mini.  It’s the exact same fucking game.  

1:15 – “Look at that castle.  Who lives in there?”

Somebody with a job.

“Look at these little boingy-boings.”

This is absolutely unwatchable.  But you have Shishi there jerking off to this.  I don’t get it.

Okay.  She keeps asking the chat how the powerup system works.  Doesn’t she know?  She’s “obsessed” with this game.  It’s just fucking disgusting.  The constant lies from her.  And BAD lies.  Lies that are obviously lies.  

2:45 – “Is this like Twinbee?  I don’t think it’s anything like Twinbee.”

It’s exactly like Twinbee.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9vh3nTdMhw

Go to 9:00.  Identical stage with the domed space castles.  And they’re both “cute” vertical shooters.  

3:15 – “Doesn’t that look like little Twinbee ships?  I think they do.”

Yeah.  So did that guy in the chat who you just shot down.  I mean, what the fuck?  She just got done saying that the game ISN’T like Twinbee.

3:30 – “If you’ve just joined, please note that I am playing as a PC Engine.  Look how cute.”

Oh god.  Why would anybody watch this?  I just don’t get it.  She has NOTHING to say.  There’s not a single interesting idea in that empty head of hers.  She’s as mentally challenged as her fucking horndog “fans”. 

3:45 – “Look at the stars.  Oh my god.  Look at the CDs.”

WE CAN SEE THEM!  And she’s just apparently dazzled by everything in the game even though she started the stream by suggesting that she’s been playing this game A LOT in her spare time.  

She didn’t even know that the character shot CDs.  How did she not know this if she’s “obsessed” with the game?  It’s something that you discover within the first four minutes of playing the game.  

4:15 – “Look at it.  Because PC Engine CD, you know, they’re CDs.  I was going to say ‘CD cartridges’ but you know what I mean.”

Yeah.  You’re an idiot and you have absolutely nothing of interest to say.

4:30 – “I also need to tweet pictures of the instruction manual.”

Why?  Anyone who is interested in this shit has already seen it.  THIRTY YEARS AGO.

5:00 – “I just realised.  I have a shelf now.  I have an (some Pokemon).  I can put him here.”

Yeah.  That really makes all the difference.  Putting some shit Pokemon toy that you don’t give a fuck about on your shitty little shelves.

She also said that she didn’t have bombs.  So somebody in the chat says, “You have six bombs.”  It clearly says that in the lower left of the screen.  But Erin doesn’t have a fucking clue.  She never played this before, except for that one time, briefly, last year, on stream, for money.  But she’s “obsessed” with this game.

6:00 – “I’m confused.  How do you use the bombs?”

You tell us.  I never played this before.  You’re the one who’s “obsessed” with the game.

She can’t figure it out.  You know what she could do?  Check the “cute” manual.

6:30 – “I wish I could read the manual but it’s in Japanese.”

It should be clear enough.  They’ll probably show pictures of the buttons in the “controls” section.  Just check it out.  She’s “obsessed” with this game.  Doesn’t know the fucking controls.

6:45 – “I can’t tell if I used it or not.  Maybe I used it there.”

NO, YOU IDIOT.  What made her think that she used the bomb?  There was no graphical indication that she did.  And it still says that she has 6 bombs.  Fucking unbelievable.  She doesn’t have a fucking clue.

This thing goes on for 75 minutes.  What if I actually reviewed the whole thing and kept commenting every 15 seconds?  “Hey, you dope.  I thought you were obsessed with the game.  So why didn’t you know this particular thing?”  It would be War and Peace but about some fraudulent gamer grrl.  Well, let’s see how far I can get.

7:00 – “Am I getting the X-Box Series X?  Umm…I mean…I guess eventually Mike and I will probably get one.”

She actually looked disgusted at the idea of getting this thing.  She has ZERO interest in this.  So to save this, she says that “Mike and I” will get one.  No.  MIKE will get one.  You’ll never touch that shit.

7:30 – “When am I making my own console?  Can you imagine if I made my own console.”

Oh, please tell us.  Give us the specs, Erin.  We’re all dying to know.

“I mean, it would be pretty good, I’m not going to lie.  I don’t know.  That’s the thing.  I don’t know anything about that.  It sounds very stressful and like you have to know what you’re doing.  I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Well, that’s refreshing.  She should apply that same attitude to video games broadly.  Stop the bullshit lies about being “obsessed” with games that you’ve obviously never played before.

8:00 – “Oh, look at the rainbow!  But yeah, if I made a console, it would be very colourful looking and you would get joy brought to you just by looking at it.  It doesn’t even have to be turned on yet and it would be so fucking aesthetically pleasing.”

Can we get some kind of sketch?  This is all very vague.  

8:15 – “It would be great.  But then like, okay, if I made my own console — ooh, uhh, rollercoaster boss — then I would have to, you know, have games developed for it, unless it would just play like games that you could like, you know, like, you could get on Steam or something.  I don’t know.  See, I wouldn’t want it to be shitty.  I’d want it to be like cool and unique.”

Well, let’s look at what we have so far.  A colourful console that plays Steam games.  Isn’t that just a PC with a swank case?  Let me DuckDuckGo colourful PC cases.

Well, there’s this thing.  GameMax M911 Rainbow.  Currently unavailable but you can get similar cases for about $100.

So that’s it.  That’s Erin’s “console”.  A rainbow PC case.

8:45 – “So yeah.  That’s that.  What’s that?  Ooh, look at that.”

Riveting commentary.

She knows full well that this is bad.  She knows that her console idea was fucking dogshit in the extreme.  She knows that she doesn’t have the knowledge to even begin to answer the question.

And yet she continues with this.  She continues with this massive fraud.  That’s garnering a whopping $200/month.  And she’s getting fucked in the ass on the regular by a man she doesn’t love.  FOR WHAT?  She doesn’t need to do any of this.  Go back to your parents in California and get a job.  

I get it.  There’s a sense of pride.  You don’t want to go back home and admit that you failed.  But Erin did fail.  Big time.  Don’t continue the failure.  Just swallow your pride, go back home, and try to re-build your life.  This fucking fake gamer grrl shit is not going to work in a million years.  

9:00 – “Because consoles these days look so boring.”

Just move on, Erin.  You’ve already given your console idea.  To call it “half-assed” would be giving it too much credit.  

“Look at that picture!”

Haven’t you seen it before?  It’s just the picture that shows up after you beat the first level.  Surely, you’ve beaten the first level before.  You’re “obsessed” with this game.

Then she wants to take a picture of it.  Holy shit.  Is she unfamiliar with the print screen command?  And this is all being recorded.  Why would she want to take a fucking picture of her monitor? Also, these pictures are probably already on the internet.  Yeah.  It took me two seconds to find it: