Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPoBMzAkZZM

After an anemic intro, we’re “treated” to a commercial by earbud pitchman James Rolfe.  He’s no Ron Popeil, that’s for sure.

Okay, here’s the deal.  I watched it for eight minutes and I would pause the video every so often to write a comment.  

Then I realised that almost every comment was me talking about how fucking IDIOTIC and UNFUNNY all of these faeces comments are.

So I’m going to delete the review that I wrote up until this point and just time stamp ever poop reference in this thing.  No comment is needed.  We all know that these poop references are stupid.  Then maybe I’ll leave some closing comments.

1:00 – Referring to the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo, he says, “Might as well be a rattle and a diaper full of crap”.

1:15 – Referring now to the 3DO, James says, “This is the real console.  More like a real piece of dog shit.”

2:15 – “The 3DO was price dropped to shit.”

2:30 – The system had “A whole assload of soft stool porn games.”  

Also, way too much needless and awkward profanity including, “Your parents would probably flip you off and tell you to go fuck yourself” if you asked for a 3DO.

Extended “joke”, going in graphic detail about a theoretical man masturbating to Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties.  Isn’t he embarrassed by any of this?  He should be.  I hope that there’s a writing credit at the end of this episode.  

2:45 – “Today, I’ll just be focusing on the shallow end of the cesspool with some piss poor games.”

3:15 – He describes some game as a “futuristic faecal fart fest.”

6:30 – The character “Captain Quasar” is called “Craptain Quasar”.  .  

This is material that a five year old would come up with.  Maybe his daughter wrote this episode.  

6:45 – He describes the game Soccer Kid as, “You play as this little shit that runs around kicking a soccer ball at people.”

7:15 – Jimmy would, “Rather base jump into a flea market port-a-john” than play Soccer Kid any further  Very natural dialogue.  Keep up the good work, Screenwave.

7:45 – He compares the walking animation of the Battle Chess pieces to, “Compacted shit out of a sloth’s shit chute”.

8:30 – “You’d have a better time watching a dog turd turn white.”

8:45 – “Real chess is awesome.  It’s the intellectual shit, man.”

11:00 – “You want to see some shit, right?”

No…

Then he says “shit” two more times shortly after this.  I’m not trying to include every time he says “shit” in the non-literal sense but…he says it a lot.  And there’s just so much bad, out of place profanity.  Like he says, “”What in the fuck hell”.  It’s like a child using profanity, trying to impress the other children on the playground, but not knowing how this really works.

11:30 – “The special attacks are more like shit spectacles”.

12:00 – “This is a rare game that makes you question the very meaning of ‘shit’”

I really don’t want to do this any more.  I have another nine minutes to go and I’m tired and this is complete trash.  I’ll try to continue.

13:00 – “Everything looks like pixelated poo poo.”

13:45 – “This game walked so that Resident Evil could run.  Right now these games are giving me the runs.”

“If Resident Evil has tank controls, Cyberia has septic tank controls.”

14:30 – “It’s like if Top Gun barfed into the ‘where did you learn to fly’ woman’s mouth.”

Not a poop reference but…it’s actually depressing.  It’s depressing that anyone on earth thought that this was good writing.  This is unwatchable.  Why would he agree to do this?  He’s autistic.  Not retarded.  Can’t he see how fucking bad this is?  They showed him the finished product before they published it, right?  He thought that this was good?  

And didn’t he read the fucking script?  It’s unbelievably bad.  Do something else with your time.  These videos are not working.

15:15 – There’s a reference to ice skating after consuming some type of syrup and I think it’s a poop reference but I just can’t do this any more.

15:30 – “How could you have the audacity to spray steamy, foamy diarrhoea on Doom?”

16:00 – “This game was ported over by just one person, armed only with two shit sticks to rub together.”

17:15 – “On to the motherlode of 3DO shit.”

17:30- “This company put out a bunch of awful, shit-stained, light gun games.” 

19:45 – “Without the gun, these games are pig shit in the wind.”

So that’s, mercifully, the end of the video.  I actually feel sick now.  This was fucking unbelievably bad.  

Nobody specifically took writing credit for this thing, but Kieran and Justin Silverman are listed as “crew/edit”.  I suspect that one or both of them wrote this thing.  

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit say.

– “Nice episode albeit Nerd was a little bit bored and the curses where a bit disconnected from the flow but I enjoyed it”

Yeah.  The profanity was completely over the top and not natural.  And why all of these fucking shit references? 

Here’s the problem.  Jimmy is surrounded by sycophantic yes men who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.  

What Rainman needs is for somebody to sit him down and explain to him in no uncertain terms what made the early AVGN episodes work.  Because what James thinks and what the reality is are two totally different things.  James thinks that the series was successful because of the skits, the profanity, and the shit talk.  No.  The series was successful DESPITE the skits, the profanity, and the shit talk.

Just sit down and review a video game.  Familiarise yourself with the game.  Discover interesting little problems with the game.  And then discuss this.  That’s all you have to do, Jimmy.  You don’t have to dress up and do cute skits like you’re back in special education.  You don’t have to show us what a big boy you are who knows all of the swear words.  And you certainly don’t have to share your love of excrement with the world.  Keep that last one to yourself because most people don’t find doody as interesting as you do.

POOP AND DOODY!  FUCKING SHIT STAINED POOPY CACA HEAD!  SUCK A PIECE OF DOG TURD HELL BISCUIT SHIT FUCKER!  

This is funny to people?  Show me who these people are.  Are these functioning adults?  

These Screenwave people always talk about other shit that they’ve done.  Let me look this up.  See what these creative geniuses have done.

Here’s Kieran’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3266068/

He animated a short in 2009.  Must have a project for university, given the year.

He was an actor in some Silvermania shit.

That’s it.  That’s all that he’s done.  No writing credits.

Here’s Tony’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1412908/

He wrote four short films, two of which were Mummy Cop.  And he wrote a segment on something called Midnight Show in 2016.  It seems that that was a movie with a $25,000 budget.  It’s not on Wikipedia.  Not noteworthy.  Seems like a student film or similar.

He also directed that segment.  Along with Mummy Cop and the other two short films.  So these short films that he did were all financed and created by himself.  

See here’s what I’m looking for: examples where SOMEBODY ELSE actually PAID these people to WRITE.  I’m not seeing that.

Here’s Justin Silverman’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3229679/

He also worked on Midnight Show.  So this is just another fucking piece of shit that they all did together.  

He also has acting credits for two short films, probably created by himself and/or student projects, and Silvermania shit.  

So nothing.  None of these people have any writing credits.  Or for that matter any directing, editing, or acting credits outside of stuff that they’ve all done together just for “fun”.  

I’ve given these Screenwave people every opportunity.  I’m not one of these fucking faggots on Reddit who comments about their appearance and takes every opportunity to insult them.  But this fucking video…whoever wrote it…IT’S FUCKING DOGSHIT.

I don’t put the blame on Rainman for this one.  He’s ultimately responsible because he hired these completely inexperienced people but he did his job for this video.  All he had to do was read the lines and he did that.  It was competent.  I guess.  But the script was pure, unadulterated, fucking shit.  

If it’s just a bunch of friends goofing around and making videos for Youtube, that’s one thing.  But it’s my understanding that this is some kind of a business.  People are getting paid to work on these videos.  Presumably, they’re getting paid at least $30,000/year.  For three people.  Let’s say that’s $100,000/year that James is paying.

How can this possibly be profitable?  And if you have that kind of money to spend, why wouldn’t you hire ACTUAL WRITERS?  

The Simpsons writers are probably getting $100,000/year.  James could hire one of them.  Or whatever is a popular and funny show these days.  Get one of those writers.

Or, I think that you would get plenty of interest from promising young writers if you offered $50,000/year.  Get two of them.  

And why are the Screenwave people even doing all of this shit?  They edit the videos, they write them, they film, they act, they direct, they produce.  Why are they doing every facet of this?  This might explain why the writing is so bad.  They have too many other responsibilities.  

I don’t expect a television level of quality from fucking Youtube videos.  What I expect is to watch a video that doesn’t make me feel sick to my stomach while watching.  I want to watch something that doesn’t insult my intelligence.  Is that too much to ask for?  

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/05/angry-video-game-nerd-movie.html 

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/03/angry-video-game-nerd-movie-second.html

There are my first attempts at this.  I only got to the 25 minute mark.  I have to get this two hours some day.  The movie is just so unbelievably bad, though.  

So I left off with “The Nerd” talking to his black sidekick outside of the black sidekick’s house.  “The Nerd” says that he plans on going to that landfill to look for ET games.  The black sidekick doesn’t want to go because he’s afraid that he’ll get in trouble from his mother.  He still lives at home.  

So to encourage him, “The Nerd” says that if they don’t go, he won’t review ET.  But if they go there and there are games buried, he’ll review whatever games are buried there.  So the black sidekick agrees.  Why?  Because everybody REALLY loves “The Nerd” and they want to hear his reviews.  They’re all just sitting at home chomping at the bit.  “When is The Nerd going to do another review?”

This is how Jimmy thinks of himself and his “fans”.  They’re just hanging on every word.  They can’t wait to hear what he has to say next.  

No.  This is your job, James.  If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.  The world will go on.  Nobody gives a fuck.  The only person who needs to do these reviews is you.  It’s either that or getting a job at Wawa.  My standard place of employment for this half-joke is JiffyLube but JiffyLube wouldn’t even hire Jimmy.  You have to have some experience with cars or be able to learn.  I don’t think that Jimmy has the experience or the ability to learn.

26:00 – It’s the next day and “The Nerd” and the black sidekick are doing something at somebody’s house…carrying boxes…I don’t even know.  What is this?  What are they doing?  Where even are they?

But then a van pulls up and that obnoxious red-haired woman who we saw earlier puts her head out of the car and says, “YEAH!  How do you like the new Nerdmobile, boys?”

She’s really annoying.  And…I’ve never said this about any movie ever but…she’s kind of hard to understand.  She’s speaking too quickly.  

I also complained about the black sidekick stumbling over his lines in a previous scene.  Did nobody notice?  Could they not afford to do another take?  Is this the best they could get out of these people?  It’s just really bad.

The van says “cockburn” on it and has a drawing of a penis.  I don’t know why.  What is this referencing?  Was there somebody called Cockburn in the movie?  Was it the guy who owned the video game store?

Oh.  Yeah, I was right.  I looked it up.  

Then she explains that the van was “Paid for and endorsed by Cockburn, Inc.”  So…the guy who owns the video game store where “The Nerd” works paid for this van and is sponsoring the trip to this landfill.  Why?  What’s in it for him?

Wait.  I think I know.  Mr Cockburn LOVES “The Nerd” too and just can’t wait to see that ET review.  This is every single character’s motivation in this movie.

Then they start putting the boxes in the van.  But…they didn’t even know that a van was going to arrive.  Did they?  What’s in these boxes anyway?

Then “The Nerd” says, “I don’t like the idea of bringing this girl with us.”  And the black sidekick says, “Relax.  She’s not a girl, she’s a gamer.”

This is yet another reference to homosexuality in the movie.  I don’t get it.  Why did James write a movie where he’s depicted as gay?  There was the “nerds before birds” line, there was the scene where the black sidekick signed that woman’s breasts instead of “The Nerd” and now this.  Was this movie just James Rolfe coming out of the closet?

27:00 – “At a time like this, the fans need you more than ever, Nerd.”

At a time like WHAT?  What’s so dire?  These ET games have been buried for like 30 years at this point.  

27:15 – The black sidekick is slurring his lines again.  Was he drunk?  I can’t even understand him.

“You know what, I don’t think this van has a radio and I put a lot of stuff to install up in here.  GPS, mobile internet access, roof camera.  You have to think about music.”

First of all, look at that first sentence.  I’m pretty sure that that’s what he said.  “I put a lot of stuff to install in here.”  Was that written like that or did he just really fuck up?

Then listen to this list of stuff that he installed.  Is he saying “mobile internet access”?  That part is really, really hard to understand.  I had to listen to it about five times.

And I couldn’t understand the last sentence either.  I basically just guessed.  “Music” was the only word I understood clearly.  

Maybe the sound quality is just bad but I’m having trouble with this guy in particular so I don’t know.

And what’s crazy is that I think that the guy who played this black sidekick is the only person in the movie with semi-legitimate acting credits.  He was on 104 episodes of The Bernie Mac Show.  I never watched it.

Oh.  He was a child.  The AVGN Movie is basically his only role as an adult.  Well…it’s starting to make sense.

28:00 – Then “The Nerd” throws something out of the window.  I thought it was a potato at first.  I had to watch it three times to figure it out.  It’s a CD.  

Then they cut back and forth a couple of times to “The Nerd” and the black sidekick driving and the two of them plus that red haired woman playing a video game in the back of the van.  I don’t understand the timeframe of any of this.  Are they taking driving breaks to play video games?  These scenes where they’re playing video games add absolutely nothing to the movie.

Wait.  What?  Mr Cockburn isn’t the guy who owns the video game store.  It’s some guy who owns…I don’t know.  I’m totally lost.  Who is Mandy (the red haired woman) working for?  

Oh.  It was…she’s working for a company who’s making a sequel to ET.  That’s why she wants “The Nerd” to do a review of the original.  It will allegedly drive up sales of the sequel.  So Mr Cockburn owns a software company.  Do I have that right?  Let me look this up.

Yeah.  Okay.  So we’re back on track here.

30:00 – Anyway, they’re in Roswell, New Mexico now.  I guess that the landfill is here?

Then some government agency overhears “The Nerd” saying that he’s looking for ET and sends agents out to kill him or something.  There are security cameras and whatnot around this area with audio recording, apparently.  The cameras also have some kind of x-ray vision because they saw into the Nerdmobile.

 None of this makes sense.  Why is the landfill in Roswell, New Mexico?  Is that accurate?  Let me look this up.

No.  It’s in a Alamogordo, New Mexico.  It’s two hours away.  I can overlook that, I guess.  Creative license.  But couldn’t they have explained something?  I mean, we all know that Roswell is famous for the aliens.  Couldn’t “The Nerd” have mentioned this?  “Oh, it’s buried in the same place as the aliens?  We’d better be careful.”  No.  Nothing.

Oh, it’s a military thing.  The guy in charge is a general.  He was initially going to launch a mini rocket at “The Nerd” but then some lower ranked…I don’t know…woman said…oh fuck.  I can’t.  The writing is REALLY, REALLY bad for this whole scene in particular.  Does nobody have a clue how the military chain of command works?  This isn’t even remotely how anybody in any military would ever talk, at least according to all of the films that I’ve seen.

And it’s not funny.  It’s just horrible writing.  And it could be fixed so easily.  Just replace the horrible writing with good writing.  

33:00 – Now we’re back to “The Nerd” who declares that the whole ET burial thing is a sham.  The black sidekick, rightly, says that it’s too early in the investigation to reach that conclusion.

Then there’s a weird discussion about how if you believe in Santa, you also believe that the earth is flat.  And the black sidekick believes in both of these things.  And there’s really bad animation or something showing Santa Claus falling off of a flat earth.  What does this have to do with anything?

34:00 – The black sidekick starts talking about Death Mothicks…oh fuck…or something.  WHAT IS HE SAYING?  Hire somebody who can annunciate.  It’s something to do with his idea of Hell and the flat earth.

Oh, I looked it up.  Death Mwauthzyx.  This is just great.  The man has a difficult enough time reciting his lines so then you come up with this idiotic character.

And yeah, this is Jimmy’s homage to Godzilla.  It’s a giant monster.

What does any of this have to do with anything?  Look at how we got here.  

“The Nerd” was talking about how the ET burial is a sham.  The black sidekick says, “Give it a chance”.  “The Nerd” says, “If you believe in the ET burial, you also believe in Santa and that the earth is flat.”  The black sidekick says, “I believe in all of that…plus Death Mwauthzyx.”  

It’s stupid.  It’s stupid and it’s bad writing.  Jimmy just wanted to shoe horn a fucking Godzilla homage into his shitty, nonsensical movie.  

Then he just starts saying wacky stuff about multiverses and ultraverses.  It doesn’t make sense.  This is how Jimmy writes, though.  You can look at Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes to Hell or the finale of Board James for a couple of examples.  He just throws everything he can think of into this shit and thinks that he’s being clever.  No.  It’s shit.  It’s shit writing.  It doesn’t make sense.

Then…I don’t know how we arrived at this, it probably wasn’t explained, but the black sidekick is talking about how the only thing that will exist will be a bologna sandwich.

Then they see the military people and they start running away because they don’t have a filming permit.  

The low ranking military woman who we saw earlier, comes out of the…military vehicle and points a gun at everyone.  She makes weird references to sex trafficking and smuggling drugs up one’s anus.  

36:00 – The red-haired woman says, “Don’t get your panties in a wad.”  This military woman pulls this red-haired woman’s hair and says, “I’m not wearing any panties.”  This is just stupid and unfunny.

Then the black sidekick holds up a copy of ET, a soldier who looks like he’s about 16 years old shoots it out of his hand, and then the general threatens to throw a grenade at them.  The military woman tells him not to do it, again, not following the basic command structure of the military.

Is this how Jimmy thinks the military operates?  The soldiers are constantly trying to convince the officers to change their orders?  

37:00 – He drops the grenade and his arm becomes detached.  By the way, the general drives around in a little tank that’s poorly…what’s the word?  The special effects are REALLY special.

Then the whole Nerd crew gets back in the Nerdmobile and a chase scene begins.  

They run through boxes and fruit.  One of the soldiers said, “Did you see the size of those melons?  Take a note (name of female character).”  It’s just such terrible writing.  There’s nothing funny about this.  She’s supposed to compare her breasts to fruit?  “Oh, I’m inadequate because my breasts aren’t the size of watermelons.”  Is this military guy getting sexually excited over fruit?  It’s idiotic.

So they’re driving around and two guys holding a pane of glass appear.  They get out of the way for The Nerd but the military woman INTENTIONALLY drives into the glass.  And instead of the glass shattering, it just bursts into bad CGI flames.  They couldn’t afford stunt people or the equipment to drive through glass so they did this shitty “special” effect instead, which doesn’t make sense.

The general asks for an explanation.  The military woman says, “Glass, general.  Double pane.”

That’s the end of the scene.  The Nerd and crew got away.  

So I’m at about 40 minutes.  That’s enough.  That was 15 minutes.  Fifteen minutes of AVGN the Movie feels like a full 90 minute movie.  

People talk about ideas for an AVGN movie.  He was too ambitious.  He should have just done a rip off of Wayne’s World or whatever.  

I don’t know.  I think that’s been done.  But what definitely should not have happened is the AVGN Movie that we got.  It’s just the same fucking shit that he always does.  He puts every idea that he can think of, mostly involving time-travel, into a video and then says, “Hey, look at what a genius I am, everyone.”  

No.  That’s film making from the special education school of thought.