-
Game Glitches: The Legacy Sequel – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre
The sequel that nobody wanted. It’s just a 20 minute skit. A skit that makes no fucking sense. I’ll have to watch it again for the purposes of a review.
1:45 – So it starts with a recap of the previous nonsensical skit. James is fighting an AI that beats the games automatically. For some reason, James doesn’t like that. I don’t know. But the way to beat this AI is to get some “glitches”. Why will glitches beat the AI? No idea. Nothing is ever explained.
2:45 – Good shot of James’ advanced stage baldness.
He also admits, basically from the start, that the plot makes no sense. He says that he’s just seeking the Glitch Gremlin out for “fan service”.
You know what would have been better? Coming up with a plot that makes fucking sense. Give the characters appropriate motivation for their behaviour. But he can’t do it. He’s a legitimate, no-fooling, seven and a half years in special education, retard. No offense to retards, but why am I watching this? Why is anyone?
At some point, you’re the idiot for watching this. You know that the man is retarded but you’re still watching his material. What does that say about you? You support the artistic contributions of the retard community?
This video is fucking awful. It makes no fucking sense. And he admits, more than once in this video, that it makes no fucking sense. Then why do this? He has fucking Screenwave working for him. Why didn’t anyone at Screenwave say, “Why don’t we help you with the script, James? You know, just have it make sense”?
This is all that James ever does. Everything is stupid bullshit that makes no sense. You’re getting an insight into the mind of a retard. It’s not a place I want to be.
3:00 – So he’s in the snowy wilderness searching for the Glitch Gremlin. How does James know that the Glitch Gremlin would be here? I don’t know. Why is he wearing a short-sleeved shirt when it’s snowing? I don’t know. But James finds the Glitch Gremlin really quickly.
3:30 – The Glitch Gremlin calls this “needless nostalgia bait”. Another reference to the script not making any sense.
3:45 – There’s some dumb fight between James and the Glitch Gremlin, of course. I don’t know why.
4:45 – James admits that he’s bald. But is still rocking that strip of hair across the middle of his scalp.
5:15 – There’s a weird reference to how gremlins used to “glitch planes”. He says that the Glitch Gremlin’s grandfather “glitched” the plane that James’ grandfather was on, causing his death.
Now…first of all, this assumes that James’ grandfather had children already when he was in the military. Okay, it’s possible.
But how the fuck would James know that the Glitch Gremlin’s grandfather was the one who brought down James’ grandfather’s plane? The guy died. Even if James’ grandfather knew which glitch gremlin took down the plane, which there’s no indication that he did, how would he impart that knowledge to future generations with the notable disadvantage of being dead shortly after the “glitch” happened? Did he radio it in? “Oh, it’s the glitch gremlin William Finn who caused my plane to ‘glitch’. Be sure to tell my wife about this and keep this memory alive for the next 80 years so that my future grandson can track down the future grandson of this glitch gremlin.”
It doesn’t make any fucking sense.
6:00 – “It’s a legacy sequel. We had to over-complicate the lore.”
Yet another example of James admitting that the plot MAKES NO SENSE. And he’s used the term “legacy sequel” at least twice now. It appeared as text. I don’t know even know what a “legacy sequel” is. Let me look this up.
“A movie that continues a franchise’s story many years after the original.”
So like Mad Max: Fury Road. I’m not sure why this would require making a story that makes no sense.
6:15 – We see the Glitch Gremlin’s wife. I’m going to assume that this is Kevin Finn’s real-life wife. She’s on Facebook and has a bunch of professional headshots and shit. It says that she’s a (failed) actress, singer, and writer and she lives in Southern California. Kevin Finn also lives in Southern California and is a failed “producer” or something of reality tv shows. I guess. At least one.
6:45 – Yet another reference to this being a “legacy sequel” And this woman looks at the camera and says that they have to be prepared for a possible trilogy. You know…for all of you people who love watching skits that make no sense as written by retards.
I would point out that I don’t like the fourth wall breaking that Jimmy does in these fucking stupid skits but what’s the point? Even without that annoying factor…nothing makes fucking sense. That’s the main problem.
7:45 – So now James is back in the “nerd room”. Wasn’t he just in the forest? Whatever even happened with that interraction?
I’ll tell you what happened. I just went back to that part of the video. After James told this nonsenical story about the Glitch Gremlin’s grandfather killing James’ grandfather in World War II, HE JUST TURNS AROUND AND LEAVES.
So James goes there to confront the Glitch Gremlin. He miraculously knew where he was. He finds the Glitch Gremlin. He fights the Glitch Gremlin. He tells the Glitch Gremlin that he needs his glitches to combat this AI (for whatever reason). The Glitch Gremlin declines James’ offer, saying that he’s too old. James tells this story about his grandfather…AND THEN HE JUST LEAVES.
Why not force the Glitch Gremlin to come with him? James had the fucking Glitch Gremlin in his hands. Or why didn’t James say, “Hey, think about it. I could really use your help.” And then the Glitch Gremlin could say, “Okay, I’ll have to go speak to my wife.”
It would at least make SOME sense. But no. After this ridiculous story about James’ father being killed, James just turns around and leaves. Then we get a scene with the Glitch Gremlin talking to his wife. Then we get a scene with James returning to the “nerd room”, apparently having failed his mission to get the Glitch Gremlin to help him.
James…you didn’t even fucking try. James literally had the Glitch Gremlin in his hands. Why didn’t he just put him in his pocket and walk home? It makes no fucking sense. How far did James travel to find this Glitch Gremlin? And then he just, inexplicably, gives up. He doesn’t even say goodbye to the Glitch Gremlin. He just turns around and leaves as soon as he tells this stupid story about World War II.
7:45 – So James is back in his “nerd room” and John is the AI, which is depicted as a man in a muscle suit. Why is the AI a man in a muscle suit? How the fuck do I know? Nothing is explained. There is no explanation. James just puts “random” shit in his “movies” and thinks that this makes him clever. No. James. Listen. It’s an indication that you’re mentally retarded. Somebody should be overseeing these scripts so that you don’t come off like a fucking retard. I mean, I know you are retarded but is this the image you want to give?
So anyway, they’re using this musicle suit because I guess the internet who does the bad special effects didn’t want to keep using whatever computer program they were using to use an animated muscular body for John.
Now the AI is going to make James play Tony Hawk 5. I don’t know why. And James doesn’t want to do this. I don’t know why.
James refuses and says that he’s going to quit and get a job in an office. Why? I don’t know.
And then, just suddenly, James has a job in an office. How? Who gave him the job? Who would give this fucking retard a job in an office? He has no work experience for the past 15+ years. This is what James thinks actual work is like. You can just walk in and get a job anywhere. And he has complete contempt for actual work. Working in an office is described as “boring” and James is doing this as basically self-punishment. Because he was unable to beat the AI, whatever that means.
8:45 – We’re back to the Glitch Gremlin. Kevin Finn’s wife says something…but I don’t even know what she said.
“I dropped the (something) 200 points. I made 17 grown men cry. Two of them vomitted.”
Oh. That. I get it. Makes total sense.
9:30 – So James is in the office job that he somehow got. The paper jams in the printer. It’s because of the Glitch Gremlin. Naturally, this leads to James fighting the Glitch Gremlin. Again. Why? NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS!
10:30 – James captures the Glitch Gremlin. AGAIN. Is he going to force him to help him this time? Or just tell another nonsensical ancedote and then walk off?
No, instead, James threatens to throw the Glitch Gremlin in the paper shredder. This seems extreme and…why? What’s the motivation for any of this?
James says that it’s because the Glitch Gremlin’s grandfather killed James’ grandfather. But then why didn’t James kill the Glitch Gremlin the FIRST time he captured him?
So the Glitch Gremlin, about to be plunged to his death, says that it’s not true that gremlins “glitched” planes during World War II. Why didn’t he say that the first time?
And how does the Glitch Gremlin even know this for sure? He wasn’t there. I guess that he’s as sure as James can be. But James immediately believes him.
So how did James’ grandfather die then? Pilot error, I guess. James isn’t at all affected by this revelation.
11:30 – So James quits his job at the office. He takes his shirt and tie off right there in the office. Imagine that. Imagine somebody quitting and then they start undressing. “I won’t need this shirt and tie any more.” Dude, you can still wear them. You’re just going to walk home shirtless?
Oh, this is actually addressed. We see James leaving the office and putting his “nerd” shirt on. I guess that he brought the shirt with him to his office job, just in case. He had an extra shirt just in case he spilled something on it. Well, he is retarded. A spare change of clothing might be sensible.
The Glitch Gremlin also brought his vest uniform with him to his job of glitching coffee machines and office printers. He wore a shirt and tie too. Not quite sure why the Glitch Gremlin would bring the vest with him to work. Well, maybe Kevin Finn is retarded too. He was at least somewhat responsible for The Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie, after all.
12:00 – They’re back in the “nerd room”. The Glitch Gremlin tells John that he’s “coming for your nuts.” Umm…a little homoerotic fan service for the boys at TheCinemassacreTruth, I guess. But it’s not the only one. Just wait.
So the Glitch Gremlin starts glitching out Tony Hawk 5. And…for some reason, the AI doesn’t like this. It effects him for some reason. Why? No idea. Why do glitches defeat the AI? What’s the logic to any of this?
Terrible acting from Jimmy as he pretends to play the game. So…wait…is Jimmy playing the game? Or…is the Glitch Gremlin…or the AI…who the fuck knows what’s going on? Nobody. Not even fucking James Rolfe.
14:00 – Now…somebody…is playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Why? I don’t know.
Almost all of these “glitches” have just been clipping issues, by the way. Who cares?
15:30 – The first of MANY glitches that were taken from Mike Matei’s Game Glitches series that he made over ten years ago. He recently streamed his “reaction” to the videos.
“Help” by Mike Matei, I guess.
16:15 – Now they’re playing some Rocky game. For reasons that nobody knows.
17:00 – Montage from Mike’s decade old series on glitches inserted for no reason.
17:30 – Jimmy says “mission accomplished”. I…guess? Why? What happened? What was achieved by this montage?
17:45 – But then a PS5 comes to life, I guess. Another in the long-running series of “inanimate objects come to life and attack James Rolfe”.
18:00 – John is now out in the “nerd room”, wearing his muscle suit, and forces James to play the PS5. Don’t know why. James doesn’t want to . Don’t know why.
But John grabs James and forces him to play it. Very homoerotic. There’s a muscular, shirtless man imposing his will on nerdy James Rolfe. I expect plenty of screenshots of this over at TheCinemassacreTruth. For months. YEARS even.
“Take this controller. You’re not going anywhere.” And James is petrified as John puts him in a headlock. Yeah. Take it, James. Take all of it. Every inch of it.
18:15 – They’re playing some Spider-Man game and I think I actually know the issue here. Sort of. Kevin Finn earlier said that he gave up on glitching video games because the newer games have fewer glitches due to better quality testing and patches and whatnot. Which doesn’t make sense if we’re to believe that the Glitch Gremlin CAUSES the glitches but whatever. So the Glitch Gremlin is intimated by this modern game because it has fewer glitches.
18:30 – John is being really aggressive with James and says, “Don’t stop”. James replies with, “It’s too good.”
Get a room, boys. This is ridiculously gay. Let me just check TheCinemassacreTruth. The video has only been up for four hours but I bet that they already have full montages of all of the “best” parts of this video.
Well, that’s a start. One of the top comments: “That flesh-colored suit is making my cock hard”
19:15 – Yet another reference to this being a “legacy sequel”. James must have just learned this term recently.
19:30 – They can’t figure out how to glitch this game because it’s been patched so the Glitch Gremlin suggests “glitching the old Games Glitches episode so it will never play again.” James says, “That’s it…you glitch the old episode and that will retroactively…umm…reset the mythos so that…you can…okay, fuck the explanation. Let’s go.”
He admitted that none of this makes sense. But this is another autistic fixation with James: time travel. But he couldn’t incorporate it in any way that makes sense. Because he’s mentally retarded.
20:00 – So now they’re able to glitch the game because…I don’t know.
20:45 – Now…somebody…is playing Miles Morales. I don’t know why.
21:00 – “What is the logic. No one can explain.”
Indeed, Jimmy.
22:30 – Then the AI John dies because…I don’t know.
23:00 – “I’ll be going now. I’ll just awkwardly walk away because the episode’s over now.”
Great writing, Jimmy. Instead of writing something that MAKES SENSE, just repeatedly talk about how stupid and nonsensical everything is. “Hey, it’s SUPPOSED to be bad, guys.” This is all that he ever does. Instead of making shit, why not try to make something good? Because he can’t. So he makes total trash that doesn’t make any sense and tries to pass it off as ironically bad. No. This is just the best you can do, Mr Seven and a Half Years in Special Education.
23:15 – Then it ends with some…who even cares? He tacked on some extra skit about some demo cd from 2004 that erases your saved game files.
Oh, and James is wearing the Santa hat for this. Because he’s bald and self-conscious. I’m surprised that he didn’t wear it the whole episode.
Then the video ends. Written, directed, and edited by James Rolfe. Uh huh. Well, I can believe it this time. “Help” by “Mike and Sean O’Rourke”.
Absolute shit. It’s a 25 minute skit. And of course this being James Rolfe, it’s a skit that makes no fucking sense.
-
Erin Plays Top Ten Horntard Comments of 2024
Well, Christmas is nearly here. Maybe you’ll spend it with your shrew of a wife and family. Maybe you’ll have a magical time with red-haired prostitutes as you dream about your muse who doesn’t talk to you any more. Maybe you’ll be getting fucked in the ass by a man you don’t love in exchange for Youtube promotion.
However you spend the holidays, let’s remember the birth of the Messiah in that humble manger. What is a manger anyway? A trough for feeding animals? Oh, that’s just where He was chilling after being born. But yeah, Jesus was born in a barn. I knew that much. They just put him in a trough because there was no more suitable place.
So we have Erin Plays: proof that an all-loving and all-powerful God cannot possibly exist. I know that it’s not quite the end of the year but I don’t think that Erin will release another video before the year is out. And even if she does, who gives a fuck? I’m calling an end to Erin’s 2024 Youtube output here.
Seven videos this year. SEVEN. I suppose that we should at least be thankful for that. She used to put out a video EVERY WEEK.
She had 18 videos last year.
She only had nine videos in 2022.
She had 28 in 2021. So even during covid, she was fairly busy. And that includes the time that she’d spend asking elderly neighbours if they need anything from the grocery store. Not actually picking anything up but just asking. “Oh, you need some laxatives? That’s cute. Anyway, I’m going to go cry in the bathtub now.”
38 videos in 2021.
34 videos in 2020. That was the year that she made the Power Pad video. She peaked. That was also the year when I found out about her and started the blog. Actually, it might have been 2019 when I first discovered her videos because I wrote on Reddit for a few months before I started the blog.
So I guess it was never 52 videos a year but it’s still a massive climbdown. Since 2022, she’s given up. She must have finally figured out that a personality blackhole with absolutely no interest in video games or experience with video games doesn’t make for a good Youtube channel about video games.
Nevertheless, the horntards have stuck by her. These are people who are literally mentally challenged. I’m not saying this to be insulting. Some of these people have Youtube channels where it’s plain as day that they’re mentally retarded. I don’t mean they’re doing something kooky for a video, I mean they’re walking with an odd gait, they have unusual mannerisms, and they are clearly what used to be described in the medical literature as “mentally retarded.”
Not everybody who goes to her channel is mentally retarded, of course. Some are “merely” autistic. But I’ve yet to see anybody who can be described as “normal” or “high functioning”. “Barely capable of independent living” is the highest level that any of Erin’s commentators can be placed at.
This is her fanbase. These are the horntards. She’s shaking down literal retards for money. So let’s check out the comments.
10. “Damn no o.f (laughing emoji)” – orangutanvintage
This was from the The Last Game Boy Color Games video but NONE of the comments I’m going to talk about today have anything to do with their respective video.
It’s just a guy complaining about Erin not being on OnlyFans. There were a few comments, but not many (about three) along these lines. I just used this one as representative of them all.
9. “I’d snuggle up on the control panel with you, Erin.” – samusvikerness661
This was one of several comments in my list from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Quarter Arcade Review video. This is the oldest video that she has from 2024. By her latest video, Resident Evil Gaiden on the Game Boy Color, which was released in October 2024, there weren’t any comments worthy of being in the top ten. There’s a noticeable drop off in crazy comments not only with this year compared to previous years but just within this year. As the months go on, there are fewer sexual comments.
I struggled to get ten comments for this year. I went through all of the videos, ended up with a list of 14 comments, I made four easy cuts, and there’s my list.
I was thinking that maybe she’s deleting the crazier comments. But no…because there are some. I think that people just aren’t interested any more. Erin no longer has it. Whatever “it” was to begin with.
Anyway, as for the comment, he wants to snuggle up on the “control panel”. What does that even mean? “Control panel”? Did he use the wrong word or is this a reference to something said in the video? I don’t want to watch it to find out. Just another dumb comment from a horny retard.
8. “I’m not gonna lie, I really dig seeing you dress up as April O’ Neil every time you review any TMNT game, and I hope to see more reviews in 2024 as well! ^^” – sonicmario64
This was another comment from the same video. He likes the cosplay. But…I think that this was the only guy who even commented on it. So I think people are done with this shit.
Also, in fairness, Erin literally only appears in “costume” for like five seconds in this video. And you don’t see anything below her shoulders.
But that was apparently enough for SonicMario64, a man who…oh. I was thinking that he was born in 1964. No, it’s probably a reference to the Nintendo 64 and whatever. Or maybe it’s a reference to his IQ.
7. “Ur love of game is inspiration Erin (heart emoji) keep up the amazing insight n knowledge! Respect gamer girl!”; “Ur true beauty beyond ur good looks is a strong game knowledge. (party emoji)”; “K done simpin lol sorry Erin, back to ur hardcore gaming skillz (laughing emoji)” – AanishnaabeAllTheWay
These were three comments given in quick succession for the The Last 5 Nintendo 64 Games Ever Released video. He gets points for saying “gamer girl” non-sarcastically, bringing back late 1990s text speak, ending every comment with an emoji, stating (apparently without irony) that Erin is knowledgeable about video games, commenting on how hot she is, and overall desperation.
6. “”The Spearman’s ratio of mean error and mean time was 0.575 in males and 0.483 in females. Conclusion: The males outperformed in efficiency index when compared to females in hand-eye coordination with repeated practice.” – Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research. 2023 Jan, Vol-17(1): YC15-YC18″ – Warrior_Resisting_Colonialism
This was from the Playing TMNT on NES with Mike! video, In response to a comment somebody made about how Erin sucks at video games. He wanted to provide super nerdy empirical data to back up the inherent superiority that men have over women when it comes to playing video games.
But it totally misses the point. Even if the study’s conclusions are accurate, Erin sucks at video games not because she’s a woman but because she has absolutely no fucking experience or interest in video games. There are plenty of women who are competent at video games: women who are experienced and interested in video games. That’s not Erin. Erin is a total fucking fraud. A fraud who, I’m pleased to see, is giving up on this bullshit and in any event, the horntards seem to be giving up on her. There’s probably a correlation between the two things but I’m not sure what’s driving what.
5. “It seems you literally never age… I’ve been watching you for what appears to be forever. Gotta be a Vampire… Only explanation. Anyways, it’s always good to see new content from you.” – Welcome2whereverUR
Erin replies with, “Haha, I’m good about wearing sunscreen so maybe that helps :p Thanks for sticking with my channel for so long!”
Some other guy says, “She’s only 36 you geek that’s still quite young.” – obvioushieidude7668
Welcome2whereverUR, enraged, comes back with, “…. In your outrage you have missed a large chunk of the plot. That being, primarily, I’ve been watching her “for what seems to be forever”… and… She looks no different than when it began. This wrapped around to the vampire comment. It really has nothing to do with her age. I didn’t know her age — I’m not that big of a “geek” — I suppose. I think you should just drink some soy, use the wrench so you don’t hurt your hand and calm down. It’s not that involved. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar… Ya know?”
Let’s try to unpack this. So we’ve got a guy talking about how hot and youthful Erin looks. Nothing that unusual, but given the crop of comments this year, perhaps it is.
Erin, being the shallow and self-conscious woman that she is, says, “Hey, yeah. I am pretty hot, aren’t I? Right? I’m still hot. Right guys? I take good care of my skin and all.”
So some other guy comes in and says, “Dude, she’s 36. Hardly grandma material.”
Then the original poster comes back with a bizarre rant that doesn’t even make sense. This was from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Quarter Arcade Review video, by the way.
I believe that the guy is a native English speak but…those are the comments of a madman. Scattered thinking. What’s the wrench reference about? “Use the wrench so you don’t hurt your hand.” Do nerds…use tools? And then…a phallic reference that…how does it apply to anything?
It’s a crazy person. These are her viewers. These are the people giving her money. Fortunately, it’s a steadily decreasing pool of people.
4. “i realy want 2 marry this woman. She so hot omg please be my wife (bunch of sweating emojis, bunch of heart emojis)” – Universalgodri
This was another one from that same video. Just another horny nerd.
3. “The best Father’s Day present has just arrived” – mrsoulslike570
This was from the The Last Game Boy Color Games video. You know how on Father’s Day, fathers tend to get gifts from their children? Not this guy.
Or maybe he did. I don’t know. His kids got him a card that spelled “Best Dad Ever” in macaroni. Maybe drew him a picture. Maybe did some kind of craft at school. Made a little effigy of him using stones and magic makers. And then they present it to him, eagerly awaiting his response.
MrSoulsLike570 takes one look at the gifts and then says I appreciate the effort, kids, but this is total trash. The best Father’s Day gift I got was Erin Plays’ video on the last Game Boy Color games.
His children look up at him, tears in their eyes, and say, Dad, we spent hours on these gifts. Why are you talking about some skank on Youtube and her formulaic video? She’s not even related to you. We’re your kids. Not her. Don’t you care?
Then he throws their gifts in the trash and binge watches Erin’s second Youtube channel for the rest of the day. You know, the one where it’s a collection of her Twitch streams. His wife enters and says, “Honey, can you at least join us for dinner? We have reservations at your favourite restaurant. The kids were looking forward to it.” MrSoulsLike570 snaps and says, “God damn it, how many times do I need to tell you not to interrupt me when I’m watching Erin Plays? Now I missed what her favourite shade of pink is.”
2. “I will watch anything you make <3” – Echo3_
This was from the 3 BAD Games from Sunsoft video.
It really goes to the heart of what I’ve been saying for years. Erin seems to be of the opinion that people are watching her videos because they’re about video games and they’d stop watching if they were about something else. These people do not give a fuck what the videos are about. They’re certainly not tuning in to see good gameplay, interesting insights, engaging chat, or anything like this.
They’re watching because they’re jerking off to this. There’s something about Erin that these horny retards find appealing. In increasingly fewer numbers, I must stress again.
Why doesn’t she just make videos on things that she’s actually interested in? Make your stupid fucking videos on Britney Spears, Weezer, whatever that third band that you like is, and your favourite hues. People will still fucking watch it. Retarded people, anyway. But that’s your audience.
1. “i wanna see you invite me back to your live twitch streams with a parade and epic apology and admit publicly how wrong you were about the covid masks and vaxxes and also send me a hand drawn picture that expresses how sorry you are with a lipstick lip stamp on the envelope lol is that asking too much?” – mentally_illest_radio
I don’t think that’s asking too much at all, Mentally Illest Radio. I think that you have a legitimate beef.
This was from the The Last 5 Nintendo 64 Games Ever Released but it doesn’t matter. It seems that this gentleman was banned from Erin’s Twitch for daring to challenge this complete cretin about covid. She was there on Twitter telling us to check on our elderly neighbours. She was telling us to get vaccinated. We’re all in this together. If you don’t get vaccinated, you’re an evil person and you should be taken out and shot.
Then one day…what? What happened to the lockdowns? What happened to all of the people who lost their jobs? What happened to all of the business that shut down? What happened to all of the lockdown-related suicides? “Oopsie. We made a mistake. Turns out, this world-wide lockdown that went on for years was all for nothing. Everybody go back to work.”
So…we eradicated covid? No. It’s still out there. Deadly as it ever was. You know, like the flu. But there’s no more panic. There’s no more completely insane global lockdowns. There’s no more hysteria over this fucking scam that was nothing more than a cash grab to get yet more money out of your hands and into the hands of the tiny elite, the 1% who control 40% of the wealth. They’re not happy with 40%. They want more. So put your fucking mask on and get injected with who the fuck even knows what that shit was.
Erin was out there being a fucking cheerleader for that bullshit. Draw that man a picture, seal the envelope with a kiss, and throw him his fucking parade. It’s the least you can do given the fucking destructive bullshit that you supported.
She never admitted that she was wrong. None of these people did. Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining was even worse. She was CONSTANTLY berating people for not getting vaccinated. Where’s the admission that you were wrong?
Okay, you got swept up in the hysteria. So? You were still wrong. Admit it. You should be MORE outraged than anyone who saw through the lies because you were dumb enough to believe it. You became a part of the problem. You were being used.
You look at US military veterans. You might see this in countries generally but I’m just focusing on the US. The most anti-military people are military veterans. Because they know that they were fucked over. They know that they were lied to. They know that they were used. And it was all just to make money for the guys at the top.
They joined the military because they were young and idealistic. They had ideas about liberating people and bringing freedom to the world and instead they just dropped bombs on the heads of poor brown people so that Haliburton can make another billion dollars this year. Risking their lives for that shit.
It’s similar with these vaccination cheerleaders. You were duped, okay. I get it. You had every news organisation in the country telling you this shit. The politicians were all in lockstep over this. It’s not at all unreasonable that you would believe this.
But now that you see that it was all a lie, why aren’t you outraged? What the fuck were you injected with, Pam? Even if it was benign, which I assume it wasn’t, what was the point of it? What was the point of staying home for however many years this was? And you were out there on fucking Twitter telling your MENTALLY CHALLENGED audience to do likewise. At the very least, don’t you feel like an idiot? Don’t you think that you’re owed an apology by the people who were telling you these lies and you owe an apology to the people who you were repeating these lies to?
You don’t hear a peep from these women about covid now. You also don’t hear anything about it in the news or from the govenment. Total non-issue. But everybody was whipped into a frenzy over this. Over a cold. If it was diarrhoea, I might understand the concern. But not a cold.
Doesn’t Erin feel at all bad that she spread misinformation about covid to LITERAL RETARDS? And she can’t even say, “Hey, I made a mistake. I fell for the propaganda. Sorry about that.”
And did Erin even bother to go shopping for her elderly neighbour like she told these retards to do? There’s no fucking way. She’s a fraud, she’s a swindler, and she’s a conwoman. And not even a good one. She’s making about six thousand bucks a year from Twitch, but this figure was from a few years ago when she was more popular. I’d be surprised if she’s making half that today.
-
Blaster Master – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
Oh. A new AVGN. The gay men on Reddit were posting endless homoerotic screenshots of that John guy. It’s probably only a short section of the video but clearly that’s what they’re into.
Twenty minutes. Do I even want to watch this, let alone watch it and write about it.
I’ve seen some good stuff of late. Zap Cristal posted a video saying that she’s retiring from Youtube, which is absolutely hysterical. I probably laughed out loud ten times. The level of delusion is off the charts. And no, she isn’t actually retiring from Youtube. She’s just complaining that nobody is watching her fucking videos any more.
And Newt did a livestream where he talked about his time at Cinemassacre, described Horseface as his “muse” once again, and said that he had sex with six people who are in his latest tits and gore masterpiece. And he said something like, “If I’m such a bad person, why would these six people still want to hang out with me?”
BECAUSE THEY’RE WHORES AND YOU’RE PAYING THEM, YOU CRETIN.
But it’s just disgusting. He’s constantly talking about people who he’s having sex with. And they’re all legitimate prostitutes.
I also saw a video where a couple of guys were reviewing the AVGN autobiography. I wanted to talk about that video too because one of the homosexual moderators of TheCinemassacreTruth is in there and he says NOTHING but “memes”. It’s fucking embarassing. “5:40! Remember when he said ‘5:40’? Be sure to mention that!”
Tony from Hack the Movies was also briefly in the chat but didn’t say anything interesting. I don’t think that he’s capable of saying anything interesting.
Anyway, moving on.
Blaster Master. I played the game once, off-stream, for no money. So I have Erin levels of expertise on the game.
0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor. And it’s James fucking “Don’t Look at My Bald Head” Rolfe wearing a Santa hat and shilling for…I’ll guess that fucking VPN again.
I don’t think so. He references that humiliating Rocky IV filming video that he did. As here:
That was over two years ago. The homos on Reddit still reference that video at least twice a day. Hello, autism.
Oh, actually I was kind of right. James is shilling for an “eSim” that’s from the same company that has that VPN that he’s constantly shilling for. According to some message on Reddit, it’s insanely overpriced.
2:15 – James, you are a bald man. Do something with the hair. This is uncomfortable to look at. He has a thin strip of hair on the top of his head that he combs over and uses some hair in a can type product. That’s what I think he’s doing, anyway.
People talk about taking those pills that allegedly give you hair. That shit doesn’t work and the side-effects are…not encouraging. How do I know it doesn’t work? Because if it worked, everybody would be taking it. The main claim seems to be that it will help stop hair loss as opposed to growing hair. How do we fucking know that that works? You can rub faeces in your hair and make the same claim. “Hey, this poop is really slowing the hair loss…I guess…I have no way of really knowing.”
What about a toupee? Bring it back. He’s all about the past. Use a retro method that was popular with coping with baldness.
There’s the surgery. What’s the disaster rate for these surgeries? 75%? And given the nature of balding, you’re going to have to go back to have surgeries again as your hair loss continues. And in the meantime, you’ll have this unnatural, lush area of hair that was taken from your ass or whatever and then this weird bald area…it’s just awful. Plus, it’s supposed to be painful and take ages to do. I don’t think that they take it from your ass but don’t they take the hair from the back of your head? You don’t have enough hair on the back of your head to cover your entire scalp. So then you’d have a huge bald area in the back of your head. I guess that that would be preferable. People shave the back and sides of their hair pretty regularly, just leaving the top. But still. Plus, the many thousands of dollars that this surely costs.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Bald James. He has to do something with this. Just cut it down really short. That’s all you need to do. For fuck’s sake, the guy is in his 40s. Who cares? What is he hanging on to? It looks like complete shit. ANYTHING that he does would be an improvement over what he’s currently doing. This is the worst possible option.
2:45 – He’s complaining about cut scenes. Mike wrote this. One hundred percent. This is something that Mike complains about in every fucking stream that he does.
So anyway, James (or, more accurately, Mike) enjoys the game. Oh, great. So what are we doing here?
Why do they basically limit themselves to Nintendo games? Try something else. This is…well, I’m thinking of times when they did try something other than Nintendo games. That Horse Prince mobile game was the worst episode they ever did. I’m sure that there are some decent ones that I’m not thinking of, though. I’m searching for “sega” on the list of episodes on Wikipedia and there are a fair number but I don’t remember any of them.
4:30 – Now Mike (through James) is talking about Fester’s Quest, another obsession of his (Mike’s).
7:30 – Numerous unfunny scat references from James. I think that these are the only parts of the script that James writes.
8:45 – Jimmy recites the alphabet like a retarded man for some reason. Oh. Seven and a half years, you say?
11:00. Okay. I’m taking a break. For how long? I don’t know. Days? Weeks? Maybe I’ll never come back to this.
It’s a new day. Let’s try again.
11:45 – He’s “angry”. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd. Just look at his “anger”. He’s “angry” over a game that he’s not even playing. World’s worst acting.
12:00 – So the joke here is that he’s using an “AI controller”. What does this mean? I don’t know. Presumably, this is going to lead to the homoerotic material that the boys on Reddit REALLY seem to be digging. Let me check if they’re still talking about it.
“Cuckface” Transformers, sexy Bootsy, Justin Silverman is a big fat guy. Oh, here we go. Yeah, they’re still talking about it. Two threads about it. Just screenshots of John on a muscular man’s body. They’re loving it.
14:30 – So the review ended. I think. What did we learn from this? Umm…I don’t know. Mike (who wrote the script) seemed to think that the game was okay. So…great. That’s the video.
Now we’re on to the delicious skits. You guys like skits, right? It’s to do with this stupid “AI controller.” But he’s playing Contra III now for some unknown reason.
15:00 – Now he’s “playing” Double Dragon. “What happened in the Contra part of the video” you might be asking. NOTHING. What the fuck was the point of it? It didn’t advance anything.
16:15 – Now John is talking as the AI. Why is there an AI…umm…I don’t know what’s going on. This is all nonsense. This part was 100% written by James Rolfe. This is what he does. He puts a bunch of unrelated, random shit into a movie or a short or a Youtube skit or whatever and thinks that that makes it clever. No. It makes it retarded, Mr Seven and Half Years in Special Education.
I’ve said this before but if you think that AVGN Movie is unique in James’ body of work, where it’s just a bunch of random shit thrown together, just watch Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes to Hell, James’ retarded animated short that he did with Mike. It’s the same fucking thing.
Oh, I’m going to make a movie where a bird is smoking a carrot and then it starts raining beer and the beer turns everybody gay and then a giant sexy lady appears and she rubs a magic lamp and poop comes out of the lamp and soon half the world is covered in poop but then a meteor hits the earth and the poop all disappears but it turns out that the meteor was just an intergalactic spaceship and James Rolfe clones start streaming out of it and they go on an epic quest to enroll everybody into special education.
That’s not a movie. That’s random bullshit. But this is exactly what James “Sped” Rolfe does. And people humor this literal retard.
17:30 – So now the AI is making Jimmy play video games. Why? I don’t know. Why does James seem to be opposed to the idea? I don’t know.
17:45 – Here we go. Homoerotica to the rescue. Why is John’s face on a muscular man’s body? I don’t know. But the boys on Reddit are loving it.
Maybe that’s the target market demographic now. They’re just going to make openly gay videos to court the TheCinemassacreTruth crowd.
18:00 – James Rolfe is being forced to play Tony Hawk games and it’s really upsetting for old Jimmy. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA.
Then it just ends on a cliffhanger. You know…for this story that didn’t make one iota of sense. Stay tuned for next month’s episode. How will this complete nonsense end? My guess? More nonsense. I bet that Don Bluth teams up with Mike Matei and they fight an army of dung beetles. Then everything is resolved. “Help by Sean”.
Sean got credit for this one, by the way. That means that he did basically the whole thing. Pure garbage, Sean.
Well, I mean, I doubt that Sean did the poop jokes or the skit. That excrement has Jimmy’s name all over it. If something is bad and terrible and doesn’t make any sense, you know that Jimmy did it. What inanimate object will come to life to chase our hero James Rolfe? Tune in next time.
Let me see the actual thread that the boys on Reddit made about this. What are they saying about this other than jerking off to the John scenes?
Somebody mentions AI fixing his hairline. Yeah, that’s something that I was going to suggest but I forgot. Maybe they can run these videos through some AI thing that will give him hair.
- “He’s turning into Linkara with these lames skits and “lore”.”
I don’t know who that is but yeah, nobody likes the fucking skits. I don’t know why Jimmy doesn’t seem to get it. Mike has mentioned 100 times that he doesn’t like the skits. He must have told James about it. James just can’t be reasoned with. He insists on these bad skits that nobody likes.
- “I’m ten minutes in and it is awful. I wish Kieran were back. And my fucking god another something becomes possessed and attacks the Nerd. Can’t he fucking think of ANYTHING else?”
Oh yeah. I think something did come alive. The AI, I guess. I wasn’t really following anything.
Oh, somebody, including a moderator there, posted a bunch of homoerotic pictures of Mike Matei for some reason.
A lot of people seem to say that they quit watching after ten minutes. That’s about where I initially stopped too.
- “I would watch it but I just don’t have the time”
Yeah. Comedy.
- “Were his arms always that hairy?”
I’ve commented this before. Yes, I think they were always hairy. But somebody says:
- “My brother started to take pills to combat hair loss and his arms and (and I assume everywhere else) became super hairy. So my bet would be that Bimmy is on the same stuff.”
I never heard that these pills lead to hirsutism. It makes sense, I guess, assuming that these pills actually work. Which I don’t think that they do.
I’m starting to see positive comments so we must be near the end. All the stuff that got downvoted. Yeah.
- “I was enjoying this episode until he started with the AI skit”
It doesn’t make any fucking sense. None. Zero. Why can nobody reign this retard in? He’s overpowering them with his retard strength, I guess.
- “Jimmy really picking whatever games for the nes at this point. Blaster Master is a great game”
That was my impression as well.
- “I forgot the episode was about Blaster Master.”
Yeah because it just suddenly stopped being about Blaster Master for reasons that make no fucking sense.
- “He’s never went this far on such an unwanted bit. I’ve never been so sad as I was when I saw the To Be Continued.”
Nobody is digging this skit bullshit.
- “You guys seriously have no life this is pretty pathetic”
Indeed. Indeed, Superbombman-65. It’s all pathetic. Why waste time talking about this complete and utter shit?
-
SuperRetroGal Moved to Japan
https://twitter.com/super_retro_gal
I don’t have a link, really, other than her Twitter that says that she’s living in Hokkaido and every post is about her new job at Tokyo Disney or whatever the place is called.
But she made a Youtube video where she talked about how she’s moving to Japan. And I wanted to talk about it but she’s since made all of her Youtube videos private. Same with her TikTok account.
From memory, she was talking about how she’s moving to Japan. Her husband was also in the video and he looked crushed.
Let me set the scene for you, in case you don’t recall the disturbing tale of SuperRetroGal aka SuperAwkwardGal. She’s from California by way of a Swedish grandmother or something. She did low-paying jobs all of her life in the service industry. For the past, I don’t know, I’ll say ten years at least, she’s been working in Disneyland doing various jobs in the “food and beverage” industry. She was happy with the job. She made it her entire identity.
I should say that worked off and on at Disneyland. She also had a brief several day stint at Screenwave Media. She was also laid off from Disney during covid. At one point, she expressed solidarity with Disneyland workers who were trying to get an increase to their pay, but once she resumed her employment at Disneyland, all of these proletarian ideas were silenced.
She also worked as a carer for her husband’s grandfather who had dementia. I don’t believe that she got paid for it. She resented it. She resented having to take care of this old man. And she would post absolutely deplorable videos with him that culminated in a video where it shows him bathing this man and belittling him, talking about what a burden he is. There was a video where she talked to him like he had mush for brains involving pens.
As the videos went on, her behaviour became more and more disturbing. She decided to go back to work at Disneyland, leaving this decrepit man to fend for himself during the day. Literally, a few days after she left him alone, he had multiple strokes. She made a video saying that they couldn’t take care of him any more so they put him in a nursing home. Once again, within days, he was dead.
She made videos about this man, who she condescendingly called “Pops” and how sad she was that she killed him. And the people in the comments, inexplicably, would talk about what a self-less angel this woman is. This woman who clearly killed this man, who she considered a burden, because she wanted his house. They lived in his house. I should have mentioned that. But at some point in these videos, probably around the time she decided to kill him, she started referring to the house as her house.
So now Pops is out of the picture. She makes some videos about getting a retro refrigerator from the 1960s and a retro washing machine and maybe some other retro white goods. She’s decorating this house that now belongs to her (and her husband). She talked about how much money this place is worth. She talked about the area not being so nice because Mexicans moved in (as least that’s the impression that I got). But this house was worth certainly hundreds of thousands of dollars. It was a big place in a reasonably desireable area of Los Angeles, I believe.
Within the space of a year, she’s in Japan.
In that video with her husband, she talked about selling the place and how many eager potential buyers she had. This house that her husband grew up in. This house that belonged to his grandfather, who she killed.
She doesn’t give the slightest of fucks about anyone and murder is not off the table for her. If I was her husband, I would have serious concerns for my safety. But this fucking retard agreed to sell his childhood home and move to Japan…for WHAT? For this personality blackhole who make minimum wage working at the Disney corporation?
It’s completely mental. And she’s going to get bored with the job in no time and want to move back to the US. What then? The house is gone.
And where is that guy going to work in Japan? He doesn’t speak Japanese. He’s going to do one of these degrading TEFL jobs for beer money? He completely threw his life away for NOTHING.
It’s baffling stuff. Just a series of bad decisions. Marrying that psycopath was his first bad decision.
-
TheCinemassacreTruth’s Rectal Reviews
Let me start by saying that they blatently ripped off my idea, worse than anything Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen ever did. Back when Rental Reviews was a thing, and James clearly wasn’t into it, I would regularly post on Reddit that they should change the title to Rectal Reviews and talk about stool (James Rolfe’s one true passion). I suggested this regularly. It was well-known. This was my idea.
So those plagiarisng buffoons on TheCinemassacreTruth just took my idea and applied it to…Halloween videos? What’s the connection? The title makes no fucking sense as applied to Halloween videos. These videos aren’t reviewing anything and they’re not about poop.
It’s only this minute that I realised that this is a re-hashed Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety. Why didn’t they stick with that name? Wasn’t that the name for the past two years? I was thinking that this so-called Rectal Reviews was something new, like their attempt to do this AI shit for Christmas, which was aborted due to lack of interest. But no, this is the OG. This is what they started with. It started as a parody of Monster Madness after Newt plagiarised all of that shit and they wanted to show that they could make better videos. But they couldn’t. Everything was just, “5:40! No time! Muh homoerotic bullshit!”
These videos got very few comments relative to previous years. Sometimes as few as four comments. I assume that people aren’t watching this shit. And they couldn’t even get 31 episodes, as they had previously. Only 20. Total lack of interest. Nobody is watching this shit. I didn’t even watch it. I haven’t watched any of these and I’m only going to watch them for this article.
In previous years, GarbageStabber and OJ Simpson would make among the worst of these videos but they’re gone now. Banned from all of Reddit. And they were prolific because they had absolutely no lives and didn’t mind churning out shit. So they’d make multiple videos a year to pad things out. With them out of the picture, they couldn’t reach 31 videos. Only 20.
The irony. These people from Reddit would bitch about James Rolfe no longer having the time to make Monster Madness videos. James Rolfe used to make 31 videos and then, as he got lazier, started making fewer videos. That’s exactly what’s happening with these losers on Reddit. The quantity is going down and I assume that the quality is going down too. If that’s even possible. These were never any good. Most of these videos were just cramming every “meme” into the video that they could think of.
And it all started as a promising idea. We have the AI James Rolfe voice, let’s see if we can make a better Monster Madness than James Rolfe and/or Screenwave can do. They should have played it straight. They should have actually attempted to make good, interesting videos. But instead, we were treated to, “5:40! 5:40! 5:40! Mike Matei’s penis!” The videos only demonstrated that Screenwave is more talented than anyone at TheCinemassacreTruth.
So we’ve got this bullshit. The intro has “5:40” in it. Get it? Like that thing that James said years ago and the autistic lunatics at TheCinemassacreTruth can’t let go? That’s funny, right? If you’re mentally challenged, maybe.
It’s an Indian movie. References to James Rolfe’s family, his hair, 5:40, personal errands, suffering, 500 films, logically thinking things through, Rocky, inability to pronounce “mountain”, the last Blockbuster, no crew, no time, natural fact of life. I’m only halfway through and I’m already sick of this. I don’t want to watch any of these. It’s going to be this every fucking time. It’s just a contest to see who can cram the most “memes” into a video. None of this is even remotely funny.
I can see why it’s popular, mute with subtitles, Intendo, I refuse, full fucking force, homosexual obsession with Bootsy, five of them, nothing but good memories, and then it ends with 5:40.
I didn’t even include every “meme” that was mentioned. He got them all in there. Good job, Gaijillionaire. You win the autism contest. You can repeat something over and over again like a crazy person.
These people could not be imaginative or funny if their lives depended on it. And they have the nerve to criticise Screenwave. Nothing that Screenwave ever did is as bad as this putrid pile of mental defective bullshit. Who finds any of this even remotely funny? This is the THIRD YEAR of these idiotic “5:40” videos.
Well, let’s check out the comments to see exactly who wants to out themselves as a retard.
Top comment is from Gaijillionaire. He just crams a bunch of “memes” in there. That’s funny, right? Repeating the same shit over and over again?
A lot of unrelated, unimaginative, homoerotic, AI-generated pictures of James Rolfe.
And people respond with “memes”.
Great. This is comedy. Just repeating the same fucking bullshit over and over again.
There are 20 of these. This one is a 0/10.
Well, at least this one is only three minutes, instead of the six minutes I had to endure with that first one.
For the first 90 seconds I thought, “Well, this might be alright. He’s talking about Godzilla versus Frankenstein. He’s reviewing the movie. Okay, great. It’s like a real Monster Madness video.”
Nope. Watching videos with the subtitles on.
2:30 – 9/11 reference.
Then it ends with “no time” and “5:40”.
Mmhmm. This is the height of comedy.
The shit that wasn’t stupid “memes” was fine. Why not stick with that? REVIEW THE FUCKING MOVIE. Like a non-autistic person.
5/10
Eight minutes? Come on. Have respect for the audience.
Oh, I forgot to check the comments for the previous video.
Homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe. Oh. Glad I checked. Moving on. We’ve got Popeye, one of my least favourite movies. Eight minutes of this shit. 5:40, am I right?
So it starts with a bunch of “memes”, each as unfunny as the last. Then it’s a “parody” of Popeye. “Parody” in the sense of, “I’m going to stick a lot of 5:40 references in here.”
Done. Two minutes. That’s enough for me. It’s just endless “memes” and done in a horrible fashion even by the rockbottom standards of these videos. Fuck the retard who made this shit.
0/10
Comments are all homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe.
The Incredibles. Five minutes. Too bad it wasn’t 5:40, am I right?
42 seconds for this one. Nothing but “memes”.
0/10
Homoerotic pictures in the comments.
Gee, I wonder why this TheCinemassacreTruth Monster Madness thing seems to have lost so much steam even among the cretins who inhabit that sub-reddit. Could it be because it’s a one-note non-joke?
1:20. Done.
Memes plus annoying “YouTube poop”, together at last.
0/10
This one actually is 5:40 in length. That’s been done before, of course. I bet that THIS one is going to be really fucking funny, though.
Oh, he’s using a screaming version of the James Rolfe voice. He wasn’t sure if this was going to be obnoxious enough.
Well, I managed to get to 2:30. There aren’t any memes, which is great, he’s just reviewing the movie but…why did he use this obnoxious screaming voice? I’m not going to listen to this shit.
3/10.
Oh, I’m neglecting to check the comments.
Huh. No homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe. How disappointing.
Wait…what? It…didn’t suck? IT DIDN’T SUCK!
First of all, less than three minutes. Great.
Then he…get this…he reviewed the movie. Can you believe it? It was interesting, it was clever, and it was funny. No need for “memes”. You can be funny WITHOUT saying “5:40”. There’s a WORLD of stuff out there that’s funny beyond the confines of “5.40”.
9/10
Comments are all trash, as per usual.
1:39. Mindless self-congratulatory ass-licking of TheCinemassacreTruth. Goodbye.
0/10
Memes were used sparingly and didn’t detract too much from the review. The memes were entirely unwanted and unneeded, though. You’re able to fucking review the movie and be witty. Why not focus on that instead of pandering to literal retards on TheCinemassacreTruth?
7/10
Only 13 comments but look at this one:
“Pretty good humor in this one! And the references weren’t too shoehorned in. Great job.”
So it’s not just me. People do not want this fucking “meme” bullshit. That’s why this whole Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety thing took such a dive in popularity. How many times can we listen to the same fucking thing?
I mean, I guess that’s the sub broadly. Every day it’s the same shit. “Remember the behind the scenes video? Remember the time he said 5:40? Remember the podcast?”
Yeah. I remember that stuff. It was YEARS ago. Move on.
It went on too long but it was more or less a review of the movie. Or whatever this is. It’s not that difficult. It can be done.
7/10
Oh. I’m still doing this. I took a break for a few days after 10. It’s just so fucking boring. We get it. Five-forty.
Well, it was mostly a review of the movie. A few “memes” that detracted but otherwise, it was fine. There was an attempt at something witty where they spliced in footage of James in his car attempting to recreate the deathrace but it just ended in a pointless “meme”.
7/10
I’m turning it off at 3:00. I gave it a chance but after five “slobs”, I’m done. It’s not even being properly applied. It’s in reference to people who appear in Doug’s videos who aren’t even overweight.
2/10
Virtually no “memes”. The idea is that it’s James Rolfe in a hospital, in a coma, and Ryan is taking the reviews from James’ using some…brain interface. I don’t know. It uses an annoying robot voice. But I watched it because it was largely meme-free and only three and a half minutes.
This is all that you have to do. And this guy at least did something different. He reviewed the movie and the comedy came from the story that he built around the video. Not from the repetition of stale “memes” from many years ago.
8/10
Eugh. This one is from Schiller and something. I saw that name before. He made another one of these videos and I don’t think it was one of the decent ones.
No. It was Popeye. Number three in the series. It got a 0/10. Can he improve this time? I’m doubtful.
He changed the intro. It’s a “Youtube poop” version. You guys like “Youtube poop”, don’t you?
Well, he reviewed the movie. And it was almost “meme”-free aside from the almost obligatory “5:40”.
5/10.
No. Wait. 5.40/10. Get it? Like that thing that James said five years ago! Or five years, four months ago! I’m on fire over here. FIVE-FORTY, GUYS!
Only four comments, unfortunately. His Popeye video got 44 comments. It’s this sort of behaviour that just reinforces bad material. “We want videos that just keep repeating the same three things!” Don’t listen to those retards. Do something clever.
Not many memes but…not much of a review. I have no idea what the movie is even about. He spent more time talking about ancillary stuff like how the movie used to be difficult to obtain but he has a blu-ray of it and you can stream it. Then this segued into an ad, which was kind of funny, and the only laugh so far from me, from any of these videos, was the promo code of “BALD540”. I know it’s a “meme”, and the least funny one of them all but it’s not the “5:40” that’s funny, it’s the surprising nature of the joke and the idea that James, a man who’s self-conscious about his hair, would use such a promo code.
6/10
Fifteen minutes. Come on. When is somebody going to make a feature-length film video full of “5:40” “comedy”?
Okay, I made it to 11:15, which is more than any other video even was in total. There aren’t any “memes”, which is great, but it’s just summarizing the movie. This is the Tony from Hack the Movies school of “reviews”.
There was one bit that I laughed at where he said something like, “He cheats to win like Newt.”
You can make references to things that happened in the Cinemassacre world but they should be somewhat novel and cleverly done. Not just regurgitate the same fucking boring shit verbatim. There’s plenty of material out there. There’s no need to rehash the same phrases over and over again. But these people are deeply autistic and this is their idea of “comedy”.
So Calvera, a moderator and long-time user of the sub-reddit responds, saying, “Haven’t watched the video yet but just had to say this is AWESOME!”
Didn’t watch the video. No time, am I right? But he’s sure that it’s awesome.
It’s too fucking long. That’s the problem. This guy should do parodies of Tony from Hack the Movies. Do a 90 minute “review” that’s just summarizing the movie scene by scene. Have the Horseface AI chime in only to mention every hot chick who appears in the movie.
Or here’s an idea: you can recreate classic Hack the Movies back when Newt was still on the show. Have Horseface there as well and the drunken Newt constantly coming on to her while Tony tries to keep the show on track and the summary continuing.
There’s loads that you can do if you’re creative and have the time.
8/10
Only five comments. That’s a good sign. Maybe there aren’t any “memes”.
It’s fine. I made it halfway through. I’m not watching ten minutes of some weeaboo talking about a shitty Japanese movie that he likes, though. Few “memes”.
5/10
I don’t even know if this is a real movie or what this is but it’s stupid and I don’t like it. No memes, though so…it gets some points.
2/10
I made it to the 3:00 mark. I’m sure it’s fine but I don’t give a fuck about horror movies. No “memes”.
6/10
Big finale. Drive.
I don’t know. It’s a review…I guess…then the last 10 minutes is a musical montage. I just had this shit on as background noise by this time so I don’t know what was happening. I tuned in once in a while and it seemed to be nothing.
1/10
And that’s it. Mostly shit. I note that moderator Great Bowser didn’t contribute any videos this year. In previous years, his were among the better ones.
There was no real shit this year, though. Well, the first one was clearly the worst, which was just a “meme”-fest. But I’m thinking like there was one last year that was…I don’t even know. Just “random” shit. People left comments trying to be supportive like, “I appreciate the attempt at something different” but they clearly weren’t digging that idiotic bullshit.
This is surely the last Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety or whatever they want to call it. Maybe there’s another name of mine that they can rip off. Next year, they can call it “GamerGrrls”. It would make as much sense as Rectal Reviews.
It’s a good idea utterly ruined by the autistic execution. There’s loads that can be done. You can make a funny Monster Madness video. The only limit is your imagination. So what do we get from these cretins? “5:40, guys! Remember when he said that?”
I remember. I definitely remember. You remind us every fucking day. Who cares? It’s not funny. It’s stupid. You’re stupid.
You could make an AI Erin Plays video. Record really poor gameplay footage and have the AI Erin voice make banal comments about colours and Britney Spears and whatnot. Fun can be had. You can do something interesting with it. Maybe Erin starts regaling us with her fabricated fondness for Alf.
I was shocked to see that Benji Gregory died recently. He played Brian Tanner. He overheated in a car. What the fuck could have happened? Wikipedia says that he was bipolar and had sleep disorders. But falling asleep in a car and dying of heat exhaustion?
Did Paul Fusco put a statement out? Not that I’m seeing. It’s an uncaring world.
Maybe things are better on Melmac. I mean, how did he overheat? It was Arizona. I know that it gets hot but that’s precisely why you have airconditioning in your car. Or at least open the fucking windows. He had his dog in there so maybe you can’t open them all the way but open it a crack and turn on the airconditioning. Did the airconditioning not work? How could you have a car in Arizona where the airconditioning doesn’t work?
Why was he even sitting in the parking lot? Maybe he wanted to take a nap. It was hot, you get tired. I could see it happening, I guess. But then why do you never hear about it? I’ve never heard of anybody dying of heat exhaustion in their cars. Only dogs.
Let me look this up.
Like 30 people a year die of heat exhaustion in their cars every year in the US. You’re 10 times more likely to die from a lightning stike.
It’s sad. Well, Benji Gregory, we hardly knew ye. I guess that he’s with Max Wright now, smoking crack with homeless black dudes in the afterlife.
-
RESIDENT EVIL GAIDEN on the Game Boy Color – Erin Plays
So this is what Shishi and the gang were waiting for all year. THIS. Erin dressed as a “sexy”…security guard? Just slap a couple of patches on an old black shirt and call it a day. She probably just glued them on. Even if she knew how to sew, which of course she doesn’t (having never learned anything in her life) she still wouldn’t take the time and effort out of her day to sew these on.
She has no job, nothing to do all day, but she refuses to put any effort into ANYTHING. THIS is her fucking costume. The ONLY costume she’s going to wear all year. Two fucking patches on a black shirt.
She used to wear “sexy” zero-effort costumes for multiple videos during October. It was the highlight of the Horntard Calendar. We were “treated” to four videos a year like this. At least. There was a point where she said that she was going to wear “sexy” zero-effort costumes even outside of Halloween. And she did so.
I’m not saying that this is the least amount of effort that she’s put into a costume but that’s only a testament to the absolute rock bottom costumes that she’s had over the years. Remember that “mummy” that you only knew it was a mummy because she said that she was a mummy? It was worse that wrapping yourself in toilet paper. Or the time that she put a striped shirt on and said that she’s Freddy Krueger.
Well, it’s not all about costumes. It’s also about top tier gameplay and witty, erudite commentary. So let’s check it out.
0:00 – “Yes, there was a Resident Evil game on the Game Boy Color.”
Something that she learned about very recently while researching shit to play for a Youtube video, for money.
“Does it suck? Well, I mean, I know it’s not a ‘good’ (airquotes) game but from what I’ve played of it…”
Let me stop you right there, Erin. You played for two minutes, at best. On stream, for money. During a “variety stream”. So your opinion is totally worthless. Don’t you get it? Why does she present herself as a fucking expert when she clearly has never played these games before?
You play a game for two minutes, shut the fuck up about it. Discard that two minutes of experience. It’s worthless. Just say that you’re going into the game fresh. Because that’s what you’re doing. Why doesn’t she understand this?
“I actually really liked it. I had a lot of fun with it.”
For that two fucking minutes. It’s ridiculous. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.
0:30 – “I find the vibe really appealing.”
So appealing that she didn’t bother playing it for more than the two minutes that she did.
Now, I’ve already watched the first five minutes of the video so I can tell you that she knows NOTHING about the game. Not even the most basic elements of gameplay. So she CLEARLY has never played this thing before. But even without watching part of the video, I could have told you this. This is what she does. This is every fucking video. She pretends to be an expert and then proceeds to demonstate an abject ignorance of the game, a result of NEVER HAVING PLAYED THE GAME BEFORE.
I don’t get it. 133 comments. What are these people watching the video for? This hastily-slapped together security guard costume? The braindead commentary? The horrible gameplay? It’s just constant lies with her and BAFFLING lies. Just say that you’ve never played the game before. Nobody gives a shit.
0:45 – “You have to bear with me. I haven’t played THAT much Resident Evil.”
You haven’t ANY of it, Erin. Just fucking say it.
“I played through the Resident Evil 2 remake with Mike.”
On stream, for money.
And then I played through a good chunk of Resident Evil 4.
On stream, for money.
That shit doesn’t fucking count. Don’t you get it?
People who enjoy video games play them in their spare time. Erin has never done that even once in her life.
“I’m admitting it. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
You’re not admitting anything. It’s just constant fucking lies about what a fucking pro she is. She played two of these games before. On stream, for money. She counts that as experience with the series. Fuck off.
She must think that this counts. In her warped mind, playing a game on stream, for money, AND AT NO OTHER TIME, makes you a real “gamer”. She thinks that she’s the “gaming” equivelent of these fucking retards who watch this shit and play video games 12 hours a day, every day, year after year. Same thing. A mentally challenged man who plays games 84 hours a week is equivelent Erin who plays games 2 hours a week. A mentally challenged man who played video games obsessively since he was six years old is the equivelent of Erin who only started playing video games when she started her Youtube channel when she was in her late 20s.
This is how she thinks. It must be. Why else would she keep saying these things? In her diseased mind, these aren’t lies. Playing a game for two minutes, on stream, for money, makes your opinion on the game valid. She thinks that. It’s a mental health issue.
1:30 – “It has a place in my heart.”
She’s saying this about a game that she played for two minutes. “It’s where my heart is.” Remember when she was beating that phrase into the ground over other games that she played for two minutes?
1:45 – “You see these like, what are they called, innertubes”?
This is the very first screen of the game. Lifesaver. Like the candy. Let me look this up.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifebuoy
Oh, there’s a list of alternative names.
- Life preserver. I’ll go with that, although I think of the vests or things you put around your neck as “life preservers”.
- Life ring. I guess so.
- Lifering. Ummm…just a spelling difference.
- Lifebelt. Not so sure about this one.
- Lifesaver. Pineapple was the best flavour. Was there a pineapple? I think there was. And they were less common than the other flavours. You’d get cherry, orange, lime, and…lemon, maybe but lemon and pineapple were switched out or something. One time it would be lemon, the next point in the sequence would be pineapple.
- Ring buoy. I mean, I guess but I’ve never heard of it.
- Donut. Fuck no. Especially not the wrong spelling.
- Safety wheel. No.
- Perry buoy. Certainly not.
- Kisbee ring. Go fuck yourself.
Not found: “innertube.”
2:00 – “Okay, what’s in here? Oh, there’s something in here.”
This is the first fucking screen of the game and she’s surprised that she found something. I guess that Erin “always” “forgets” that there’s something in this “innertube” receptacle.
She’s reading. “Bullets. ‘Bullets are used with the handgun.’ I mean, that’s pretty obvious but it’s good they tell you in case you weren’t sure.”
It’s not obvious, you fucking cretin. There are many weapons in these types of games and some bullets may only work with some types of firearm. This message is telling you that the bullets are for the handgun. The bullets may not work with, for example, a shotgun.
Erin doesn’t know any of this because she doesn’t play video games.
2:15 – “Is that anything? Oh, it’s a light. I thought it was like a grenade stuck to the wall but it’s supposed to be a light…I think.”
She still hasn’t reached any enemies. She’s at the very beginning of the game. And she’s surprised by everything. Doesn’t know that the lights aren’t grenades, for example.
How is it possible that she played this for even two minutes? Wouldn’t you figure this shit out immediately? Stuff in the background is background shit. Not grenades that you can pick up. Any fucking moron even WITHOUT playing the game AT ALL would know this. But she’s so inexperienced with video games that she can’t distinguish background shit from stuff that you can interact with.
I remind you of the time when she was trying to interact with the life bar (or something) of some game. I’m hazy on the details. It was an arcade game. It was a shooter, I think. And there was something in the HUD that showed how many bombs you have, or something. She was trying to shoot or somehow interact with that portion of the screen and was baffled at her inability to do so.
See also, “Player 2, press start? What does that mean?”
2:15 – Now she picks up a PDA. First item in the game. And she’s surprised by this. Of course she is.
So she goes on a boring, pointless talk about Blackberries. She didn’t have one, of course.
3:00 – She picks up the second item in the game and laughs. “At first glance, I thought this was a fried egg.”
But it’s not your first time seeing this, is it? I mean, it is but…she started the fucking stream by telling you how much she likes the game, it has a place in her heart, and so on. Thought the second item in the game was a fried egg. Never saw it before. This is all new to her.
3:15 – “I think I remember, I never really understood how to use the target part. Like, I would just run into a zombie and then start fighting them but we’ll see.”
How can you remember that which you’ve never done before? She’s talking about something that you pick up on the first time you play the game. But she’s unsure of how it works. And as the video progresses, you’ll see that she has no idea how to fight these enemies. She doesn’t know the mechanics of it. She’s never played this before. This game that has a place in her heart.
3:45 – Then she explains that she wasn’t sure how a Resident Evil game would work on the Game Boy Color (which is odd because she’s never played a Resident Evil game before so how would this issue even arise?). Then she vaguely aludes to how battles work and that she doesn’t understand it but maybe this time she will. This being the first time that she’s played the game, effectively, but she’s continuing this bizarre lie that she’s played the game before, all the while demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge or experience with the game.
She says that you’ll see how the battle system works in a minute. She’s right. You will. And you’ll see that Erin knows NOTHING about it.
4:00 – “Can we go in here? Oh, we’re going in the doors.”
Linear. Only one way you could have gone. And she’s at the very start of the game. She was surprised that you could enter these doors, the only doors that you can possibly enter.
“So those are zombies. Obviously. Right?”
She’s guessing. She’s guessing at what the FIRST enemies in the game are. She doesn’t know? She says that she’s played this before. She doesn’t know that these are zombies? That the first enemies in the first room of the game are zombies? She had to guess? How is it possible? For this game that has a special place in her heart?
Everything could be explained if she would just say, “I’ve never played this before.” What’s so hard about that? But instead, you get this contant cognitive dissonance because she’s saying one thing but clearly demonstrating something else entirely. This is how she goes through life.
4:15 – She’s showing how battles work. “See, you have to shoot it on that target. Oh, I do have a gun.”
She didn’t know that she had a gun. First enemy in the game.
4:30 – She says that she wants to switch to the knife. “What I’ve learned is that you really have to save your bullets for the boss.”
If she knows even this much about the game, how do you explain that she didn’t know ANYTHING else? She thought that the background objects were hand grenades. She didn’t know that you can enter the only door on the level. She thought that a healing powder was a fried egg.
She doesn’t know any of that, but she knows the strategy for beating the first level’s boss. How? Explain it. Something isn’t right.
So she uses the knife and quickly gets destroyed. She never fucking played this before.
4:45 – First battle. “You have to wait for them to get close to you because you’re using the knife.”
Wrong. The zombie is getting closer because you clearly keep missing the fucking target.
“I think you take hits because you’re using the knife.”
Wrong. You got hit because you let the zombie get too close because you kept missing the fucking target. It’s also just common sense from a gameplay perspective that the game wouldn’t work that way. You take damage because you’re using a knife?
“I’m not totally sure.”
Well no fucking shit. You don’t have a fucking clue. Just admit it.
“Maybe I just suck at it.”
That’s not even really the issue. You suck because you’ve never played the fucking game before. PLAY THIS SHIT IN YOUR SPARE TIME BEFORE MAKING THE VIDEO. GET COMPETENT AT THE GAME BEFORE YOU MAKE THE FUCKING VIDEO. Isn’t this just common sense?
No. Play the game for two minutes on stream, claim that you’re an expert, and then say, “I don’t know what’s going on” while simultaneously proclaiming how much this game has a place in your heart.
You can apply this disingenuous bullshit to how she approaches relationships. She moves in with Mike Matei, knowing nothing about him, solely for the crass explolitation of his Youtube fame. But I have no doubt that she says, “Oh, I love you, Mike. You have a special place in my heart.”
We see how hollow her words are. She says one thing but the reality is something else entirely. “This game that I’ve never played before has a special place in my heart.” “This guy who I’m only using for Youtube fame has a special place in my heart.”
The only good news in the Erin Plays saga is that this was all a monumental failure. She thought that exchanging butt sex for Youtube promotion via Mike Matei and the Cinemassacre channel would be her ticket to fame and fortune. The reality is $6,000/year.
Imagine how infuriating it would be if her cruel, disgusting plan worked. Imagine if Erin was making $100,000/year from this shit. Same horrendous “content”, same blackhole of a personality, same awful gameplay, but just from the Cinemassacre/Mike Matei rub, she was raking it in from Youtube and Twitch. It would be an awful example of cronyism and prostituting yourself out. Actual women “gamers” would be rightly outraged that here they are making good videos and just because they aren’t fucking Mike Matei, nobody is watching their shit.
But fortunately, we don’t live in that world. We live in the world where Erin is making $6,000 from these god awful videos that only a handful of mentally challenged men watch. No amount of promotion can overcome the obvious lack of charisma and video game knowledge and experience that Erin has.
Does this sort of thing EVER work? You see it regularly. A lot of big time Youtubers will say, “Hey, go look at my wife/girlfriend’s Youtube page.” It never takes off. Nobody is fucking going. The person who wants to see a man eating large amounts of food does not want to watch videos where his girlfriend talks about fashion. The person who wants to watch a man smash things with a hydraulic press does not want to watch videos where his girlfriend showcases her art.
These women’s channels NEVER take off. And the relationships never last either.
5:00 – “Sometimes the zombies disappear but sometimes they don’t.”
She doesn’t know why because she’s never played this before.
6:30 – She’s surprised to see three enemies at the same time. Because she’s never played this before.
She gets her ass handed to her, doesn’t know what she’s doing, and then presses buttons in a panic and accidentally runs away. She has no idea what’s going on because she’s never played this before.
7:15 – “This is just getting back into it. I haven’t played this in a very long time.”
EVER, Erin. You haven’t played this EVER. JUST FUCKING ADMIT IT.
8:15 – She dies because she has NO FUCKING CLUE what she’s doing, having never played the game before. But instead of acknowledging this, she blames the controller.
“We weren’t like, anywhere that far so at least if we died there…but it still sucks.”
She can’t even get through the early stages of the first level. And she has no idea how to play the game. Everything is new and surprising for her. She “forgot” everything. For this game that has a special place in her heart.
8:30 – “They don’t start you with full health? They should start you with full health.”
You didn’t know this, Erin? Why not? Why is this surprising. This game has a special place in your heart. You love the game. You’re always playing it.
8:45 – “We’re trying to find security cameras? I don’t remember having to find security cameras when I played this.”
She “forgot” the objetive of the first level.
“Maybe I missed like a key part of it.”
Or, much more likely, YOU NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT BEFORE.
9:30 – She loses almost all of her health on one battle because she doesn’t know what she’s doing, having never played the game before.
10:45 – She goes into some area and is surprised that there’s nothing in there, having never played the game before.
She keeps describing her gameplay as “wreckless” instead of what it actually is: the product of somebody who’s never played the game before and has no fucking clue what to do.
She’s surprised that you can’t pull the fire alarm or open a door because she’s never played the game before.
11:00 – She goes to the bathroom and is surprised by everything she encounters, having never played the game before.
12:30 – She’s surprised that some of the zombies can poison you but doesn’t know which ones, having never played the game before. She doesn’t even know about the concept of being poisoned in the game, having never played it before.
13:15 – She doesn’t know about the elevator key, having never played the game before.
“If I remember correctly, you can…yeah, you can save.”
She’s a real pro. She knew nothing about anything else in the game, everything was a surprise to her, but she knew that you could save in the elevator. After the game prompted her by saying, “Do you want to save?”
14:15 – “See? I get confused because now we’re in another elevator.”
The map completely bamboozles her because she never played the game before.
14:30 – “I know there’s objectives but whatever.”
She doesn’t know what to do because she never played the game before.
15:15 – She searches some more “innertubes” because she says, “I think there’s stuff in here, if I remember right.” But there wasn’t. There was nothing in those things. She didn’t know this because she never played the game before.
16:45 – She doesn’t know that you can’t search the dead woman or go into the pool because she never played the game before.
17:15 – She gets a key to room 4F and then checks the map. She’s surprised to discover that she’s currently on room 4F. She didn’t know this because she never played the game before.
She also searches every single “innertube” and never gets ANYTHING from them. I suspect that there’s nothing in any of them. Erin doesn’t know this because she never played the game before.
17:45 – “I thought that you were able to find things on the bodies but maybe I’m remembering incorrectly.”
It’s not a matter of remembering or not remembering, Erin. It’s the fact that you’ve never fucking played the game before. You can’t “remember” or “forget” knowledge that you never had.
18:00 – She dies and is surprised to see that the game doesn’t pause when you’re switching weapons. You know why she was surprised by this basic gameplay mechanic? Because she never played the game before.
19:30 – She got poisoned. “I forgot those girls poison you.” You didn’t forget, Erin. You are lying through your teeth about having played the game before. It’s insanely obvious.
“I told you that this is going to be a wreckless playthrough.”
It’s not wreckless. It’s the result of no experience with the game and zero general video skill.
20:30 – She’s surprised by the graphics. “This is a lot better than I thought it would be. When I first played this, I was shocked.”
So today. You’re talking about today. A few minutes earlier when you started recording for a shitty Youtube video.
“This is one of those games that I totally could have seen myself playing on the actual Game Boy Color.”
But you didn’t. And you wouldn’t. And there is nothing in the gameplay here today which suggests that she would like this game. She knows NOTHING about it and she’s horrible at it. She doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Like, AT ALL.
21:30 – “So if you’re watching this hoping that I make progress in a certain way or if you’re an expert on Resident Evil Gaiden on the Game Boy Color, this might be a little frustrating so I’m sorry.”
Nobody expect expert gameplay from you, Erin. Competent gameplay would be enough. Play it just once in your spare time before you start recording. Learn the mechanics of how the game works. Get through the first level. Why can’t you do that? Why can’t you put even that tiny amount of effort into your videos? This is your job. You don’t do anything else. It’s crying in the bathtub, visiting your parents in Los Angeles, and this. This is all that you do.
She doesn’t want to take away from her crying in the bathtub time. That’s precious to her. That’s where her heart truly is. Her one true passion: crying in the old bathtub. There’s a stream that Shishi would enjoy.
Then she says that she’s not sorry for her awful gameplay because she’s having fun. If it’s so fun, why didn’t you play in your spare time?
22:30 – She doesn’t know how to save because she never played the game before. As it turns out, it’s not from going in the elevators. She didn’t know this, again, because she never played the game before.
23:00 – She still has no idea where she’s going, having never played the game before.
23:30 – “That looks like a vending machine. It doesn’t look like a stairway or a hallway.”
It looks exactly like a staircase but some of that delicious “X looks like Y” “comedy” from Erin Boosler over here. And it looks NOTHING like a vending machine.
I think that this is just one of her streams, by the way. She just rehashed one of her streams for the video.
25:00 – Erin doesn’t know that you can scroll up as well as down when going through your inventory, never having played the game before. Or any game, would seem.
26:45 – Erin died yet again because she’s really, really, REALLY bad at the game, having never played it before.
27:45 – Erin is surprised to have found the security cameras, the only objective of the first level, having never played the game before. A cut scene plays out. This is all new to her.
28:45 – Erin is surprised to find a save location, having never played the game before.
29:45 – There’s a cut scene where a zombie’s entrails come out of it’s stomach and Erin says, “I forgot about that. His guts are just like (does a stupid arm motion)”.
Erin “forgot” about this cutscene, having never played the game before.
30:15 – Erin fights the boss, is surprised that this is the boss, then is surprised by how easy he was to kill. Because she never fucking played this before.
Then she compares the boss to a monster from the Goosebumps series of books but says that the monster in the Goosebumps book was a nice bubblegum pink instead of gray.
Go.
Fuck.
Yourself.
You.
Fucking.
Cretin.
33:15 – She’s near the end of the level but can’t find the exit, having never played the game before, so…she just quits. She quits the game. Can’t beat the first level. Of this game that’s so near and dear to her heart. She “forgot” EVERYTHING about the game.
She “had a lot of fun”, though. But she won’t ever play it again. Unless it’s on stream, for money. She recommends it. That’s a ringing endorsement from a real fucking pro. Pro gamer Erin Plays. Queen of Resident Evil Gaiden.
She ends the video by wishing us a spooky Halloween.
Well, that was some real shit. Let’s check out the comments.
- “Had to sub super cute gamer with a nice (three heart emojis) voice”
What were the hearts supposed to suggest? I guess just that he likes her voice. That’s enough for him. He just wants a “cute” “gamer” with a nice voice. Never mind that she’s a total fraud and clearly has no interest in video games.
- “…and she is pretty”
- “Cool costume Erin”
- “missed your face and vids enjoy your Helloween”
- “Hey Erin, I miss seeing your videos and was glad to see you post one tonight. When you said ‘poisonous erection’ it made me understand how you could get along well with Mike lol (laughing emoji) Hope all is well tho, take care.”
Numerous people mention Erin’s “poisonous erection” comment. Real retards.
- “How beautiful you are”
- “Gamergurrrrl. I lost your website and I can’t seem to find it. If you even still write on gamer girls. If you do and see this hit me up. You were hilarious.”
Oh, sorry. I don’t think there’s any way to message people on Youtube. If anyone can point @Gainoffuntion in the right direction, that would be nice.
- “This game looks fine and fun”
That was from Tony from Hack the Movies. He leaves this message a lot. He’s trying to get something going with Erin.
Speaking of which, did Joe from Gamesack also reply? Let’s find out.
I don’t think so.
But I’ve been checking out Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen. It seems that he filmed some piece of shit. Maybe two pieces of shit.
He’s basically done with Youtube, though. Him getting shadowbanned and me stopping the blog really did a number on his channel. Nobody is watching that shit.
But have you seen PVC Bondage Guy lately? She’s literally doubled in size since I last saw her. I hope it’s nothing serious. Maybe she’s just taking medication now and that caused the weight gain.
Anyway, I don’t know when I’m going to post again, if ever. I just saw this Erin video and said, “God, the world must know that she’s still a fraud.” Not a single person in the comments to her video seemed to figure this out.
Now for something we can all enjoy: shills.
-
Celebrating Five Years of Blogging
I don’t know how long it’s been. Four or five years. That Pac-Land video of Erin’s really made an impact. How could somebody making videos about video games possibly know so little about them?
Anyway, the blog is no longer a priority for me. None of this is.
But I’ve read the comments here and on Reddit. I appreciate the kind words.
If people want a place to talk about Newt and other Z-list YouTubers, I can open the blog up for other writers. The blog attracted intelligent people. Any of the regular commentators should be able to write articles. The format is straight forward. Or do your own thing.
It would be an opportunity to widen the scope of discussion. People sometimes say ‘You should write about (whoever)’ or ‘You should write about the singularity’, so here’s your chance. Dust off that singularity short story that you’ve been working on.
You don’t have to write every day. As much or as little as you want. If a few people want to do this, that would be great. I just have to add you as admins to the site.
I’ll continue to pay for the site.
So if anyone is interested, just leave a comment along with your email address. I won’t approve the comments so your email address won’t be seen by anyone. It’s just so I know who to add. You need an email address to be added as an admin.
If nobody is interested, that will be it for the blog. Download all 1400 articles for your personal archive.
It’s been fun. As I’ve always tried to make clear, despite my criticisms, I wish nothing but the best for Newt, Tony, Erin, Metz, Pam, Destiny, Bobdunga, Pelvic Gamer, Ali, Johanna, John, Chris, James, Mike, Mint, and whoever I’m forgetting. I hope these people find what they’re looking for. Find what they’re good at. Because for the vast majority of them, being a YouTube and/or Twitch streamer isn’t it.
-
Newt and the Gang Still Eating
So we’ve got Newt, Roly Poly Piper, and I think that same john from last week all eating Taco Bell. Why are these people always eating? That fat guy can afford to skip a meal, as can the fat guy sitting next to him in that whore outfit, and even Newt should watch what he eats if he’s still as fat as he was in that revolting kimono video.
And Newt is eating off the floor like a fucking animal.
I don’t have a table either. Of any description. So I get it. You’re a single guy. You live like a pig. Fine.
But you’re bringing people over for these fucking videos. It’s always an issue where to set the camera up. Can’t you get a $50 shit coffee table from Ikea or Goodwill or something? People are probably giving tables away. Then everybody would be able to eat in relative comfort. Not have to eat off of their laps, or the floor. The whores who you bring over would be impressed.
2:00 – They had Taco Bell DELIVERED. What scumbags. If I’m getting food delivered, I don’t get any fucking fast food. I know that these shit companies…I don’t even know what it’s called in the US…but like Just Eat, I know that they have fast food as part of their “service” now. You can have McDonalds or whatever delivered. But it’s scumbag shit. Pay the extra five bucks and get something from an actual restaurant. Or if you want Taco Bell, just fucking drive there.
2:30 – A horntard asks Roly Poly Piper how her training is going. She says that she’s “teaching the new kids”. This is all in regards to her wrestling “career”. She’s already a veteran after a couple of months of “training.”
Do you suppose she’s 200 pounds yet? What the fuck.
12:00 – Fat guy (not the wrestler) is talking about wrestling and nobody even knows who these people are. I mean, I do, and I’m not even a wrestling fan, but Newt doesn’t know who they are and neither does uber wrestling fanatic Roly Poly Piper. They were talking about Zack Saber Jr and Will Osprey.
14:45 – Newt is talking about 9/11. It’s just like 28 Days Later.
17:30 – Some horntard gave $5 in a “super chat”.
19:00 – Newt tells a delightful story about some teenage customer who he bullied in a cinema that he worked at. I think. I wasn’t really paying attention.
I’m turning this shit off. I don’t even know what’s going on. They’re just eating.
Wait…is this long enough to post? Should I just delete this? To hell with it. It’s late and fuck Newt.
-
Destiny Fomo is Mad Thirsty – Song
https://soundcloud.com/user-53916583/tim-parody/albums
So somebody called Tim the Jonin made an album called Finesse. One of the tracks is called Destiny Fomo is Mad Thirsty.
I’m not a music critic by any means but let’s check it out.
It’s surprisingly competent. It’s ass-licking to an extent, and buying into the myth that she’s into video games, as opposed to just a prostitute who’s using video games to milk money from horny retards. But it’s more nuanced than that. I wouldn’t say that the lyrics are deep but they are somewhat critical of her, as in:
“Destiny Fomo, she’s the queen of the night. She’s chasing attention, it’s her game to play, but beware, it’s just a role she’ll slay.”
Queen of the night. A reference to her prostitution?
“In a world of pixels, she reigns supreme, with every click she’s living the dream. But deep down inside, there’s a void to fill, her thirst for fame is a bitter pill.”
Somewhat a reference to this all being fake.
“She’ll pose a selfie, with just the right pose. Capturing hearts with a digital pose(?), but in the end, it’s just a facade, a virtual charade to keep her feeling high.”
He seems to enjoy rhyming “pose” with “pose”, unless I’m mishearing something, but more references to this being fake.
Even if this guy doesn’t know to what extent this is all a fraud and the lyrics are just about a sort of imaginary version of Madam Fomo and he wants to give some depth to the character, it’s still unknowningly discussing her shitty behaviour. Enticing horny retards with these “sexy” pictures.
“Next time you see her on your screen so bright, remember it’s just a show in the virtual light.”
More along the same theme that she’s a fake.
“Destiny Fomo she’ll keep playing her part, but true happiness is (something) in the heart.”
Same stuff.
Then it transitions into like a softly-spoken version without instrumentals.
“Turn down the lights, she’s searching for love.”
Well, if you have $100 she’ll give you some loving.
So that’s that. It was surprisingly well put together. The instrumentals and the singing and whatever were…I don’t know…fine? Good? It seems to to have been recorded semi-professionally. I don’t know if it’s one guy playing multiple instruments or this is all being done on a computer or what.
The lyrics weren’t of the sycophantic variety that I expected.
So what else does he have? The songs seem to be video game, Superman, and Dragonball-based. Sometimes it’s just somebody’s name who he presumably doesn’t like and then “sucks”.
259 Chester Street seems to be an entirely different singer and style. It seems like a black guy doing some rap. This is why I’m thinking that this is done entirely on a computer. Using AI or something. I don’t know what the capabiltiies are. But again, it seems to be reasonably well done. I mean, it’s not a guy in his mother’s basement just recording this shit.
These songs seem to be in different genres. Rap, soul, Korn. And the singers are definitely different. I Miss Pagan is a woman. This has to be AI.
So you can check these out or just use whatever AI program he did and crank this shit out yourself. But he’s also on Youtube.
https://www.youtube.com/@TIM_THE_JONIN/videos
He has a bunch of short videos which I think all have AI-generated thumbnails. Or most of them anyway.
In one video, he discourages you from going out in the sun. Says that it’s dangerous and you should just take vitamin D pills instead.
His most-viewed video (with 20 views) is this one:
“Is masturbating to porn good for your mental health?”
I don’t think that it’s AI. You wouldn’t use this voice if you could help it. And it seems to be the same voice in all of his videos. The video is fucking hilarious. I laughed the whole way through. He says “and things of that nature” at least five times in this three minute video.
0:30 – He says that it’s a “logical fallacy” that masturbating to porn can turn you into a serial rapist. I note his use of “logical fallacy” because I wasn’t sure if this was actually the same guy who made that album. But one of the songs is called, “Vegan Gains Theme Song – Logical Fallacy”. So I’m pretty confident that it’s him.
I think that he’s from New York from the accent. And CLEARLY mentally ill but fairly lucid. His argument, as bizarre as it is, is pretty sound. People do make the correlation between porn and raping or at least have historically.
1:45 – He suggests that masturbating too much can lead to depression. I don’t know. Maybe. It seems more like a sign of depression than the cause.
2:00 – “There’s one time, I was jacking off four times a day.”
It’s fucking hilarious.
So he suggests that you should jack off, or masturbate, if you will, in moderation. Well, that’s sound advice. We can all agree with that.
Then he ends the video by saying that if you masturbate too much, you can become a rapist. Again, I think that he has a point. You read about rapists and they would masturbate excessively. They’d be preoccupied with it.
There’s only one comment.
- “I see it’s done wonders for your mental health”
He replies, “Clearly you live on the internet” and “Try going out every once in awhile go out and get some air”
But put sunscreen on. He advises in that sun video that if you go out, you should always put sunscreen on.
Should you start taking testosterone? Well, let’s find out.
By the way, video game footage plays while he talks. It was the same in the masturbation video. In the sun video, it was just a picture of the sun.
0:00 – “This is going to be a hard no.”
Interesting. Go on.
He suggests that there are natural ways to boost your testosterone: working out and eating more protein. Again, I think that’s totally sensible and probably backed by science.
Then he continues that if you have a genuine need for testosterone, you should talk to your doctor. This is all good advice.
He says you shouldn’t take testosterone because it can thicken your blood and whatnot. That’s certainly a valid reason not to take it.
So that’s the video. He suggests that you should work out and eat protein instead.
Then he has videos about working out and eating meat. So he’s putting his beliefs into practice, I assume.
“Misconceptions with people with mental illness.”
He talks about how people with schizophrenia and psychopaths and things of that nature aren’t all murderers and bad people. It’s just a mentall illness. You can have these conditions and still be a good person. Yeah, of course.
1:15 – His former friend, who was not a qualified psychiatrist, had a habit of trying to diagnosis him and this bothered him. That’s totally reasonable to be upset by that.
He has a second channel here:
https://www.youtube.com/@VIDEO_GAMES_UNLEASHED/videos
Both channels have only been up for a month, by the way.
Metal Jesus Rocks Exposed.
0:00 – “Today we’re going to be exposing…I don’t like using that word. It sounds dirty to me.”
Hilarious.
This is about Metal Jesus inflating prices about video games. He goes to some price charting website to show that Metal Jesus was over-stating the price of games. That’s good.
He has a few videos about a guy named Ivan. He doesn’t much care for Ivan. In this video, he’s suggesting that Ivan is gay for him. And I think he’s using an AI voice. It’s of some posh English guy.
Anyway, aside from the Ivan obsession, I say stay the course and good luck with your mental health.
-
California Raisins – Unreleased NES Video Game Review – Irate Gamer
He’s really shitting these videos out now. He has this one that he released 8 days ago, an X-Men game that he released 4 days ago, and 2 days ago he had a “trailer” for a Back to the Future game. I can’t keep up with this shit. And nobody is even watching these videos anyway. Why is he suddenly so obsessed? He’s in the manic phase of his mental disorder, I guess.
He also released a video about Dr Demento or whatever his name is having sex on an island full of children. I thought that that was a Twitter exclusive video but he actually put it on his Irate Gamer channel. It’s completely mental.
0:15 – He’s furiously mashing the buttons on his NES controller and then says, “Whasthatsound?”
That’s the sound of bad acting, Chris.
Then his California Raisin figures roll in. Hey guys! Remember the California Raisins?
Yeah. I guess. It was shit advertising. They actually needed advertising to sell RAISINS. Everything has to be a commodity in the US.
You know how they have a bunch of commercials in the US for medication? Everything from cold medication to boner pills? They don’t have that shit in the UK. Somehow people still get by. When they get a cold or can’t get an erection, they go to the pharmacist or their doctor and it all gets sorted out. You don’t need to advertise this shit.
Metamucil. Adult diapers. Tampons. All of this. Totally unwanted, unneeded advertisements. The people who need this stuff seek it out. You don’t have to create need. “Boy, I’m really sick of shitting myself. If only there were a solution.” WE ALL KNOW THE SOLUTION. GET SOME ADULT DIAPERS. WHY ARE THERE CONSTANT ADVERTISEMENTS FOR THIS?
2:30 – “Can you imagine all the kids out there who were big California Raisins fans…”
Let me stop you right there, Chris. NOBODY was a big California Raisins fan. What planet is this guy from?
3:15 – Then a digital Michael Jackson appears.
Wait a minute. Isn’t Chris BORES a big Michael Jackson fan? For some reason, I think that he is. How does this jive with his apparent crusade against child abuse?
4:30 – He calls the Fruit of the Loom characters “limey bastards”. What? They weren’t English. What the fuck is he talking about? There wasn’t even a lime character.
5:15 – He calls something a “nuclear juicy fart” and then a couple of seconds later, bad CGI excrement explodes on him while he’s doing some horrible acting. This is some real comedy.
5:30 – “Irate” acting that’s so bad that I’m very close to turning this off. Then he gets shit on again because that was just so fucking hysterical the first time.
6:00 – “You wrinkled, withered, bag of ass.”
Yeah. That stuff. That homosexual stuff. Chris, you’re gay. It’s fine. Just come out of the closet. Stop this fucking ghost shit and embrace your true passion: butt sex with men and scat and who the fuck knows?
6:15 – Extended golden shower references.
10:45 – At least the third time that he mentions Michael Jackson and we’re treated to this stupid, unfunny CGI Michael Jackson, voiced by Chris BORES, of course.
Then the video ends. This was shit. This was just Chris BORES and some of his sick toilet fetishes.
Who’s watching this stuff and actually enjoying it? The comments are full of people who seem to be enjoying this. I don’t get it. Which part was entertaining?