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  • Another Bullshit Tweet by Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen

    Newt stopped tweeting for a few days and erased a bunch of his tweets after I called his Donald Trump obsession out.

    So let’s hope we can get the same results this time.

    Here’s asshole, death-obsessed Newt, still weepy, over this fucking Game Chasers guy WHO HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT BEFORE. Other than in this tweet, ten days ago, which was basically the same self-centered shit as Newt’s most recent tweet:

    Everything is, “Me, me, me. Pay attention to me. Here’s what this ‘famous’ dead guy did for ME. Aren’t I victim for plagiarising twenty scripts for a retard?”

    So Newt shares this video by 8-Bit Eric and, once again, talks about how broken up he is over this guy who he’s never talked about before but this guy was really awesome because…he talked to Newt after the plagiarism.

    Fuck you, you piece of shit.

    So we go to the tribute video. It’s here:

    This is by Shady Jay. Never heard of him.

    I never heard of Billy either, by the way. And I’m only familiar with the name Game Chasers. I’ve never watched it.

    So it starts with Shady Jay (I assume) getting all weepy, talking about his BFF Billy.

    I’m not downplaying any difficulties that Billy endured. He apparently had brain surgery shortly before he died and it seems to have been a terrible experience. But these fucking jackasses coming together for an exploitive “tribute”? Fuck you.

    2:00 – The guy starts breaking down and crying. Ever hear of editing? Ever hear of doing a second take? No, he wants this to be “authentic.”

    Then he starts talking like Billy was this guy’s fucking husband. What was going on?

    3:15 – Then we get a maudlin montage of the “best” of Billy. I still don’t know who Billy was, but whatever.

    From the montage, he appears to have been an obnoxious, backwards-baseball-cap-wearing douchebag. I don’t know if he was or not, but this is the impression I’m getting from the montage.

    There’s a lot of footage of him wrestling with dudes, while just wearing boxer shorts, and tipping over portable toilets and homoerotic shit like this. I mean, what the fuck?

    4:00 – Footage of him in a hospital gown spanking another man’s buttocks. This is…this is not flattering. THIS is Billy? THIS is the guy who these Z-list “Youtubers” are getting weepy over? This dickhead who never advanced past fratboy homoerotic activity?

    4:30 – Then we get the fucking Gaming Historian or whatever giving his “tribute.”

    He doesn’t say anything interesting. Then it’s some guy I don’t know.

    5:00 – Pat the NES Punk. He doesn’t say anything interesting but at least he looks like somebody’s grandmother now.

    5:30 – Jluv…something. JOHN RIGGS once declared her one of the top “gaming” “Youtubers.” She’s a hardcore lesbian. Nothing interesting was said. It’s like this is a contest for who can say the least interesting stuff.

    Then it’s a series of complete nobodies who I’ve never seen before expressing their love for this guy. Come on. This is GAY. And POINTLESS. They’re saying this stuff like he can actually hear them. The time to express your homosexual devotion to this man was when he was ALIVE. It’s too late now, dickheads. He’s not going to fuck you.

    7:55 – Look at this fucking freak. What fucking methadone clinic did they pull this guy from? He’s doing the video from a BATHROOM. He’s sitting on the floor next to his TOILET. Then he drinks a beer. I’m not even joking.

    9:00 – JOHN RIGGS! Finally, somebody who I recognise. He makes a homosexual half-joke and then says that he’ll “smile out loud” whenever he thinks of him. God. What the fuck is this?

    9:30 – Who the fuck are these jokers? Gay lovers? Brothers? Two Asian guys who look identical. “We’ll have to wait until we meet again”? What does he mean by that? What is this guy’s idea of the afterlife? Is he Buddhist? If he is, from what I’ve gathered, Billy is going to be reincarnated as a buttplug.

    Another POWERFULLY gay montage of Billy. I mean…this is disgusting. If he’s gay, fine. But if he wasn’t…why were THESE the clips used? Does he not HAVE footage of him behaving like a heterosexual man?

    This guy was 44. What a total waste of a life.

    10:45 – This guy says that he has a son. HOW? Look at these fucking clips.

    12:45 – Gamester81. One of the few people who introduced themselves. I haven’t seen this guy in probably ten years. Nothing interesting was said but at least there was nothing gay.

    14:00 – Footage of a guy, possibly Billy, bending over like he’s getting ready to take it in the ass. That’s CLEARLY the “joke” here. I’m not making this up.

    16:30 – Ircha Gaming. One of the few people in this thing that I recognize. Nothing interesting was said but that’s one off-putting tattoo.

    17:30 – More footage of him shaking his ass. I can’t believe how powerfully GAY this all is. It has to be intentional. I assume that this is what the guy did. “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I did this really gay shit?” The sort of “comedy” that fratboys enjoy but…not middle aged men. And even fratboys…it’s not funny, IT’S GAY. YOU’RE GAY. Just come out of the closet.

    17:55 – Yet MORE footage of his shaking his ass. This time during some wet t-shirt type of contest.

    I don’t know how much more of this I can watch. This is disgusting. But I know that Newt makes an appearance so I’m waiting.

    21:30 – More footage of him shaking his ass, followed immediately by him flexing his pecs. That’s followed by him wearing a horse head costume.

    I have to say, this “tribute” only makes me think LESS of this guy who I didn’t even know. I came in here being sympathetic but…this guy was an ASSHOLE.

    27:15 – Shirtless and kissing his own muscles with a couple of dudes in the foreground. I can’t think of that one guy’s name but he’s a piece of shit.

    29:00 – FINALLY, we get the fucking Ideas Man. I was losing the will to live. He’s in his car. Made zero effort on this video. Let’s see if he says ANYTHING about this dead gay man or if he just makes it all about himself.

    “While I didn’t know Billy as well as most of you, his loss isn’t just something that’s impacting the retro gaming community of the Youtube content creator community or the collectible community. It’s the loss of an actual, like, good person. And that’s the part that really stings as I wish I did know him better. Because back in 2021…”

    UNBELIEVEABLE. HE’S REALLY GOING TO DO IT. HE’S REALLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT HIS FUCKING PLAGIARISM AND HOW BILLY KEPT IN TOUCH WITH HIM. WHAT A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

    “…you know, he reached out to me when everybody else kind of became ghosts in the wind and kept me engaged and talked movies with me and ghoulies and was just a good guy. When a lot of people treated me like a leper, he was there and for that, I will always owe him a debt of…because he didn’t have to do that and he did and, you know, for that I’ll never forget him.”

    Un-fucking-believable. Then we get a crying corpulent guy about to give his condolences but I’ve paused the video.

    It’s such a jarring change from EVERYBODY who commented. Most people talked about how they loved Billy, what a funny guy he was, they might have given a little ancedote, whatever. For Newt, IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM!

    What the fuck is wrong with this guy? IT’S BEEN FIVE YEARS. Get the fuck over that shitty fucking job that you were RIGHTLY fired from. And you were RIGHTLY shunned by fucking SCUMBAGS.

    God, is there anybody worse in the world than fucking Newt Wallen? ENTIRELY obsessed with himself. I’ve never seen anything like it before.

    And Newt says that he didn’t even fucking know the guy. So despite the fact that Billy apparently reached out, Newt wasn’t intersted. Newt was too busy hanging out with whores.

    WHY are people engaging with Newt AT ALL? WHY was he included in this video? His inclusion is shameful and drags down what’s already a very shameful and disturbing video.

    And then he fucking tweets about it, his first tweet in days, NOT because he gives a shit about this gay man who he admits he didn’t even know, but solely to PROMOTE himself. “Hey, look at this video that I’m in. Aren’t I great?”

    And then Jay, the homo who started the video and was apparently “partners” with Billy, presumably in more ways than one, responds to Newt’s tweet saying, “Dude. You were way important to him than you realize”

    JAY JUST MAKES IT ALL ABOUT NEWT TOO!

    Absolutely incredible. WHY are people enabling this selfish prick Newt Wallen? Newt should be deeply ashamed about all of this behaviour. But he isn’t. This is what he does CONSTANTLY.

    He went to his dead girlfriend’s funeral (about whom he bragged about fucking in the ass in his own “tribute” video) and used the event to try to pick up HORSEFACE.

    It’s so beyond the pale that I can’t understand how even these social retard “Youtubers” can put up with it. But here you have Jay, long-time fuck buddy of the recently deceased Billy consoling NEWT. “Oh, don’t worry, Newt. Billy really thought you were a hot dude. He was hoping that you’d fuck him or at least talk to him more.”

    Totally disgusting. Newt should be edited out of that video (which is deplorable even without Newt’s inclusion), Newt should remove that tweet, and he should remove himself from the internet and get a team of psychologists to work with him because this is somebody who needs an ENORMOUS amount of psychological help.

  • Rom Hack of the Week – Erin Plays

    This is from Retro Master HD, who…is an interesting character. Erin posted about this romhack. No prizes for guessing how she described it.

    “Oh my gosh, this made my day haha. Thanks so much!! It’s so cute”

    Retro Master HD responds with: “No problem, I thought it would be something great to make to honour your passion for retro video games and I thought you would like the idea of you being in an actual video game as the main character”

    Oh sure. She’s really passionate about the old video games.

    Some random horntard named Raven Khan says, “Well you’re cute!”

    https://twitter.com/The_Raven_Khan

    There’s his Twitter. Fat, middle aged man, from Utah, I guess, and his posts are FULL of various Z-list anime women “celebrities” who excite him and posts about Dungeons & Dragons and shit. These are the people going to Erin’s channel. These are her “fans.”

    But who is Master Retro HD? Well, it’s a black man named Ashley. I guess that’s a name that men can have? Black men, anyway. I have a hazy recollection of Ashley being an acceptable name for men in the black American community. Let’s look this up.

    https://www.quora.com/Can-Ashley-be-seen-as-a-masculine-name

    Quora to the rescue again. They talk about how it was the name of a character in Gone With the Wind and used to be a popular name for boys, presumably in the South. So this all checks out. Black Americans are usually no more than two generations removed from the South. That’s why they have some of the weird pronunciations like “HO-tel” for “hotel” and whatnot. It’s not a black thing, it’s a Southern thing. Similar with their penchant for pigs feet and religious fundamentalism. These aren’t black things, they’re Southern things. White Southerners do all this same shit. Black Americans perpetuate these things, even if they’ve never set foot in the South, because it’s passed on from, whatever, their grandparents who came from the South.

    So here’s Ashley:

    He describes himself as: “I like to get all cartoony with my most favourite cartoon characters. I also love Anime as wel”

    Wait…what? “Favourite”? Is he Canadian? I don’t know. But here’s his TikTok:

    It’s a bunch of videos with him, split-screen, with some video of a sexy white woman. He’s doing “reaction” videos…I…guess we can charitably call them.

    https://romhackplaza.org/author-name/retro-master-hd

    Here are his rom hacks. They appear to be all unambitious sprite swaps.

    But on page two, he has a couple of Lady Decade rom hacks. One for Super Mario Bros and one for Dr Mario. So Erin wasn’t even the first Youtuber he put into a Dr Mario game.

    “This Rom Hack was made for Lady Decade to honour her love and respect for classic retro games and other games in general.”

    There’s footage of Lady Decade’s Super Mario appearance. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a video of her Dr Mario appearance.

    It’s just swapping Mario’s appearance for…what’s supposed to be Lady Decade. Does it even look like her? I don’t know. It could be anyone. Maybe if the nose was bigger it would be more clear.

    But this is about his “cute” Erin Plays rom so let’s check it out.

    0:00 – So he changed the title screen to read “Dr Erin Plays” and changed the copyright, updating it to 2025. I’m not sure if he can really copyright this but whatever.

    The sprite has also been changed to…I guess Erin in a doctor’s uniform. I guess it looks like her? There’s glasses and red hair. I don’t know how much you can really do given the limitations of the system.

    1:15 – He puts it on the “easy” mode, in honour of Erin. Oh wait. At the last second, he switches to “medium.”

    Then…it’s just Erin, as Dr Mario, throwing the pills. No other changes.

    He could have changed the viruses, I guess. Turned them into things that Erin claims to be passionate about like…I don’t know…Alf, He-Man, and Brett Somers from Match Game ’76.

    11:45 – Then he beats the first five levels and gets a cut screen but…I don’t think there’s been any change. This is a missed opportunity. He could have done some pixel art of Erin crying in the bathtub or something. Something to motivate people to keep playing the hack.

    Imagine having complete lunatics like this as your fanbase. And then you have to humour them and tell them how “cute” their creepy bullshit is. And for what? To chase those pennies. Erin made $6,900 in a year from Twitch according to that leak a few years ago.

    That was in 2021. Do you think her fanbase has gone up since then? Surely it’s gone down. Let’s check out SocialBlade.

    Her views and subscribers plummeted and flatlined from March 2024 to the present.

    Her estimated yearly earnings from Youtube are $91 to $1,500. I’ve heard that the average is about right so Erin makes less than $800/year from Youtube.

    What’s the point? Why do this? This thing that you hate. For people who are giant nerds AT BEST. I wouldn’t want to fucking deal with these people. And you’re doing it for pennies.

    What’s the plan here? What is Erin going to do when Mike finally kicks her out? Just move in with Joe from Game Sack? Are jobs really that awful? You shouldn’t have to rely on desperate “Youtubers” to take pity on you and let you move in with them. What if Joe somehow manages to get married one day? Erin is totally fucked. Who’s next after Joe from Game Sack? A “poly” relationship with JOHN RIGGS and his long-suffering wife?

    Maybe Newt is an option but Erin would have to agree to be his “muse” and appear in all of his “tits and gore” movies that never get released. And Newt doesn’t have any fucking money. What a climbdown from Mike’s palatial estate to Newt’s sleazy apartment that he rents from his boss at the movie theatre.

    Maybe Mike would be gratious enough to let Erin stay in his second home where he stores all of his Halloween decorations, until she gets back on her feet. Erin living in that cramped house, completely chock full of Halloween decorations. What a life.

  • Newt Wallen’s Unhealthy Obsession with Donald Trump

    Checking out the Idea Man’s Twitter. I was spurred on by a response I saw on Mike Matei’s Twitter from two months ago.

    Mike posts about some gorilla-based NES game that nobody cares about and Newt replies with, “Wait. You mean this wasn’t based on a true story?”

    I’m surprised that Newt posts on Mike’s Twitter. I sort of assumed that Mike would have been one of the thousands of people who Newt claims stopped talking to him after that wholesale plagiarism incident. But I guess that he did post his condolences to Erin on her parents dying not long ago so I shouldn’t be that surprised. If he’s in Erin’s good graces, surely he should be in Mike’s. Erin follows absolutely everything that Mike thinks and does, minus the interest in video games.

    Newt is posting A LOT about this Charlie Kirk guy. Did anybody even know who he was before he was killed? Now Newt can’t shut the fuck up about him, calling him a Nazi and so forth. As here:

    It doesn’t even make sense. But this is how he communicates: via painfully unfunny puns that don’t make any sense.

    He follows every single bit of complete minutia that gets trotted out in the news. Tylenol, the escalator stopping in the UN, the Rapture: all receive pointless, unfunny comments by Newt, all topics that will be forgotten about within a week.

    Here’s Newt, so keen on calling people out for their behaviour, boasting that he had to turn down a role in an “extreme gore film” about zombie strippers.

    Here’s Newt re-tweeting a pornographic actress talking about her fondness for gangbangs.

    Here’s Newt threatening physical violence on an octagenarian. Oh wait. He’s 79.

    I don’t get it. What is Newt so upset about? He talks about Trump CONSTANTLY. Has Trump given ANY indication that he’s coming after “tits and gore” movies? Or prostitutes? Because those seem to be the only two things that Newt seems to be interested in.

    I’m pretty sure that Trump is pro-prostitutes. Wasn’t there some scandal involving him with a prostitute?

    Maybe it’s jealousy. Newt is fearful that Trump might be a bigger scumbag than Newt is. Newt, relax. It’s not a contest. You’re both pieces of shit. Let’s leave it at that.

    Here’s Newt celebrating a woman passing out. Picture of her on the gurney and everything. Maybe she got hurt. Maybe she has lifetime trauma as a result of this. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

    Imagine Trump mocking a woman for passing out in a movie theatre. Newt would be the first one tweeting about what a piece of shit he is for doing that.

    And what does any of this accomplish? Is there even ONE person who’s going to change their mind about Trump based off of Newt’s shitty puns full of spelling and grammar errors that don’t even make sense? You just wind up looking like an obsessed lunatic.

    Newt needs to concentrate on getting his own life together. How would Newt’s life be different if Kamala Harris (or whatever her name was) won the election? There would be no change at all. So what is he so worked up about?

    What has Trump even done? I don’t think that he’s accomplished a single thing. Let’s look this up. There has to be something.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_presidency_of_Donald_Trump

    I guess Wikipedia should be pretty neutral, if not “liberal.”

    Delegated abortion laws to the states. I guess that’s true. Typical right-wing Jesus nut issue. But do you think Newt gives a shit about that?

    Banned transgenders from the military and some other vague anti-transgender stuff. Newt doesn’t care about this either, despite the fact that he uses PVC Bondage Guy’s so-called “trans masc” identity as a crutch to be able to make anti-trans “jokes.”

    Cut funding to Medicaid. Newt, with all of his medical problems and dubious access to medical insurance, probably should be concerned about this but I’m pretty sure that he isn’t.

    De-funded climate change stuff. Again, not a hot button issue for the Ideas Man.

    Fired federal workers…fired some people from his cabinet…took down a statue…installed dubious people to cabinet positions…travel bans on Libya and whatnot…I don’t think Newt cares about any of that.

    So those are all of the domestic issues. Maybe Newt is more interested in Trump’s foreign policy.

    Threatened not to defend NATO countries…bombed Yemen and Iran…expressed support for Russia and Israel…dismantled USAID…tarriff threats that I don’t think ever really went through…threatening Greenland. Nothing there sounds like an issue that Newt cares about.

    So what is it? It’s all just personal attacks. That’s all that Newt does. He never says anything of substance. It’s all “Trump is a doody head” shit. What is it that he objects to? I’m not saying there aren’t things to object to, but NEWT, a total scumbag who exists solely to promote “tits and gore” movies that never get made and hang out with prostitutes, has NO REASON to have any beef with Trump. None that I can see, anyway.

    And there are no clues in his posts because he never says anything substantive. It’s all lame half-jokes about whatever is in the news for that minute, and ad-hominen attacks. Which policies of Trump does Newt object to? Can we get a serious discussion going? Newt, the comments are open and I know that you read the blog religiously. Would you care to state your position? What policy decision of Trump’s do you take issue with? Why are you devoting so much of your life to complaining about Donald Trump?

    I don’t think that Newt is nearly so different from Trump as Newt would like to believe, at least in terms of scumbaggery. But that seems to be Newt’s angle. He attacks Trump’s general nebulous supervilliany. It’s a total waste of time.

  • The WORST Power Rangers Game Ever?! Power Rangers Zeo: Batter Racers on SNES – Erin Plays

    What? Two minutes? Is this a joke?

    0:00 – “Power Rangers Zeo: Batter Racers was released in 1996 and this was not on my radar at all.”

    Well, no shit. It’s a video game. You were never interested in video games.

    “Probably because I checked out after Mighty Morphin as a kid.”

    No. No to all of this. She did NOT watch Power Rangers and she was NOT interested in video games.

    She fucking played a Power Rangers video game a few months ago, for some shitty video, and she no idea what the “putties” were. Let me see if I can find this.

    No, I can’t find it but I did find these two articles from August and September 2021 where she talks about her fondness for Kimberly (the PINK ranger, I believe…of course) and also that she has some Power Rangers trading cards:

    Then there’s article from 2023 where she says that she found some old Power Rangers soap in her parents’ home:

    But yeah, there was a video where she found the noise that the putties made in the game to be “cute”. Is that what they’re called? “Putties”? I guess. I’ve never watched the show.

    0:45 – “The selection wheel in between stages made me laugh. Are we a boat captain now?”

    What? How does that steering wheel look like a ship’s wheel? She has a picture of a the sea captain from the Simpsons behind a traditional ship’s wheel with the spokes all around the perimiter. That’s not what’s in the game. It’s clearly a car’s steering wheel.

    “The ending animation for the pink ranger is kind of cute, I guess.”

    Go fuck yourself.

    1:45 – “I think my favourite thing about this game is this sprite right here. Look at how happy he is.”

    Fuck off.

    That’s the video. TOTAL SHIT. The game is a rip off of Mario Kart. She must have heard about this from Mike or one of the horntards. She couldn’t get more than two minutes out of this?

    • “Thank you for everything you do, Erin.”
    • “Sometimes a person is in the mood for long content, sometimes short and sweet. It’s nice to have options.”
    • “I’m glad you’re back Erin, luv that game thanks!!!”
    • “yay a Erin upload. hope ur doing well”
    • “Gamer girls, you’re one of the best. Thanks erin. May the fun continue”

    Imagine creating total zero effort trash and STILL getting comments that shamelessly kiss your ass. What does she POSSIBLY have to do before somebody dares to say, “Erin…do better”?

    They can’t even give the slightest criticism. They just blindly love every piece of shit that she uploads. It’s completely insanity.

    In one of the comments, she encourages you to go to her community page where she explains why the video is only two minutes. Like people actually read the fucking community page.

    Hi everyone! I wanted to give you all a heads up on some upcoming videos so you’ll know what to expect.

    I’ve started making some quick, single game reviews that are on the shorter side. I’ve had a lot of fun with these and I hope you’ll enjoy them! These are not to be confused with “YouTube Shorts,” that are filmed vertically and more like a tiktok type of thing (but I’ll be making those too.) These game reviews are simply short, regular videos.

    Now that being said, I’ll OF COURSE still be making my longer, more in depth videos too. These shorter videos will be released in between so I can get videos out more often for you guys, and have something come out while I’m working on the longer projects.

    I just didn’t want anyone to think that I’m only doing short reviews now, which is why I thought I’d make this post.

    Thanks for still watching my videos and I’m very excited to be putting out more content for you all!

    What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? She’s making the short videos because she’s lazy. But why do anything AT ALL? Surely doing NOTHING is the ultimate goal here. She doesn’t need the money (provided she continues to leech off of Mike). Also, she possibly has that inheritance. She doesn’t have any passion for video games. She doesn’t have talent. Any knowledge. These videos are not popular. She’s not getting any fame out of this. She’s certainly not getting any money. So what’s the point? Just cry in your bathtub and eat casseroles.

    Let’s look at these fucking comments. Unbelievably, even her COMMUNITY posts get comments.

    It’s all people kissing her ass.

    • “Where’s the power pad, girl”
    • “marry me bahia brazil”

    That last one was from Rafael Antonio. I don’t get it. What’s his angle? Why is ERIN some kind of hot chick for him? He lives in Brazil. He gives his state. Bahia is a state in Brazil.

    There have got to be some hot Brazilian ladies playing video games on Youtube.

    https://www.youtube.com/@Cherrygumms/videos

    Cherry Gumms? Well, it’s got to be better than Zombie Gums.

    I don’t know what she’s saying but she’s probably a 4/10 in Brazil, just like Erin is a 4/10 in rural Pennsylvania. But who would you prefer?

    Oh, she even goes to Los Angeles in this video. There could have been a Cherry Gumms/Zombie Gums meet up.

    But that was just a layover for her eventual destination: Saudi Arabia.

    This is a real channel. She does video game shit too but she also has videos like this where it’s a travel vlog. Why isn’t Erin doing this? The only place Erin ever travels is Disneyland but…I don’t know…still, make a video about that. It would be shit but still better than these god awful videos about video games.

    There’s Malena010102 another 4/10 (at best) woman making videos about video games. But these are the people who make the videos. Video games tend to attract a certain demographic.

    She’s at least making videos on games that she’s genuinely interested in. The Sims and Minecraft and shit like that.

    Here’s more of the same.

    I’d literally rather watch any of those channels than Erin’s complete shit. It doesn’t even matter that you don’t understand anything. Those women are all clearly more engaging and more genuine than Erin is. They’re probably not just sitting there and talking about fucking colours.

  • How Can Gnome Cave Be Fixed?

    I know EXACTLY where Gnome Cave went off the rails, no pun intended. It was when the four of them were trapped on that mine cart. The chapter ended on this cliffhanger. But at the start of the next chapter…they just wriggled out of it.

    This was one of several examples of the book where James introduces something, you think it’s going to be significant, but then…NOTHING HAPPENS. Then why bring it up? Why did they get stuck? Was the bar just malfunctioning?

    What CLEARLY should have happened when they got stuck in the mine cart is that the bar didn’t release because of some some supernatural force. And the ride should have started. And the gnomes and whatever should have come to life, doing their thing. And everybody should have been freaking out. But they’re trapped so they can’t get out. This isn’t me being creative, this is just the common sense thing that should have happened. This is what I thought he was setting up. This is what ANYBODY would have thought.

    I appreciate doing something different than what’s expected but James’ idea MADE NO SENSE. Why did Dante kill his friends? Toward the end of the book, James tries to give some shitty theories:

    She never could figure out what made him flip. He was always an awkward kind of guy. But the way he went full psycho was such an extreme switch. Was it possible that there was something else in the cave that could not be explained by ordinary logic? Could it be that Dante’s memories and attachment to that location were so strong, they became a lightning rod for all his mental energy? Did it draw his spirit in like a magnet, hold him there, distort his perceptions? Did it truly bring him back to that magical frightful time he remembered? Did it turn his greatest fear, and desire, against him?

    Even those half-assed theories don’t make sense.

    So forget all of that shit. Everything after them getting trapped in the mine cart should be entirely scrapped. But then what do we replace it with? I’ve been wracking my brain over possible endings to Gnome Cave all day.

    I thought maybe they’re trapped in the cart, the ride starts, the gnomes start moving, the whole thing. The gnomes and the backgrounds and shit gradually start looking new as opposed to the dilapidated appearance that they start with. Give a hint that they’re going back in time. That was sort of the point of coming here, after all. To recapture the past.

    But then they chicken out. And they again take the safe track. And when they exit, they go back in time but not to what you’d expect (the 1990s) but rather…let’s say 1925. When the park was new. And there are guys with handlebar moustaches and straw hats and shit. There’s a steeple chase ride. Shit like this. And everybody is pissed off at Dante. It dawns on them that everybody they know hasn’t even been born yet. So it draws parallels to death.

    Then you can flesh out the characters a little more, something that was desperately needed much earlier in the book. Maybe Adam, who was the nerdy guy, becomes a tycoon by short-selling stocks shortly before the Great Depression. Dante (the truck driver) gets a job as a mechanic, perhaps with a small organised crime syndicate in Philadelphia. Bruce (the office worker) gets a job as a bookkeeper or something. Cait gets work as a secretary and perhaps ends up in a sanitorium, unable to deal with the stress of time travel and the reality that everybody she knows is gone.

    Then they all meet up a second time, maybe five years later, and you can go through the same bullshit. But that’s just rehashing the same story that we just went through. It would be a way to pad out the page length. Give some depth to the characters. And you can get into some philosophical musings, something that James clumsily attempted. You can make some observation about death being no different than what life was like before you were born. And if you didn’t fear life before you were born why would you fear death? It would tie in with the time travel. How they went so far back, everybody was gone. It wouldn’t just be random musings out of nowhere on the high tax rate in California. It would be set up.

    But that still leaves that stupid fucking dragon. The dragon has to be in the story. They have to see it.

    There’s maybe one paragraph of supernatural stuff in Gnome Cave. There’s a paragraph where the dragon comes to life, which can only be explained through supernatural means. I find this peculiar. One of many things that I find peculiar about the book.

    I was expecting some convuluted bullshit that doesn’t make any sense like James is so fond of doing. Think of the long monologue in the AVGN Movie where they give the backstory of that big monster thing and it had something to do with hotdogs or something. I don’t think that I ever managed to get to that point in the movie but I must have seen a clip on Youtube or something. It’s bullshit, it’s stupid, it makes no sense, it’s a retard trying to be clever, but at least it’s something.

    We got nothing in Gnome Cave. We don’t even know how Dante died. He just saw the dragon, it has pointy teeth, the chapter ends, and the next chapter begins with Cait finding him dead.

    If there was some grand message in any of this, if it was tied up in any way, that would be one thing. But it’s nothing. Like so much in the book, it goes nowhere.

    There has to be a way to end this story in a satisfactory manner. And I don’t think that anybody has to die. Make it a psychological horror. It’s easy and unimaginitive to just kill people off, especially the way James did it. There was nothing clever about it. He killed all of the characters off, one paragraph each. No struggle. No explanation.

    So the four of them are trapped on that cart. Forget my earlier time travel idea. The cart is going ahead. They’re arguing. They’re blaming Dante. And as they get to the dragon, maybe there’s a scuffle. But Dante manages to pull the lever in the direction of the dragon.

    The dragon has to be something. It can’t just be the mural. Because in my version, this cart and the ride and everything are moving in a supernatural fashion. I don’t think it’s possible to make the dragon anything scary. Especially not with the previous 75 pages looking like a C- school assignment. So it has to be something clever. What clever ending can there be? A callback to something? But a callback to what? There’s so little to build on. How can there be some twist, Twillight Zone type ending?

    The animatronic dragon…that’s shit. That’s not going to work. But a real dragon wouldn’t work either. I guess an animatronic dragon at least fits the theme. But…so they meet a living animatronic dragon. Who cares? Either the dragon kills them or they kill the dragon. That’s not satisfying.

    Something about covid? Something about his mother?

    Was this all a dream? Was the smoke from the dragon some of that “dope smoke” and this is some kind of drug-fueled thing? Did they die on the ride twenty years ago? But then how do you explain the last twenty years?

    Maybe only Dante died and the last twenty years was his version of Hell. Or he’s stuck in some kind of limbo. And facing the dragon is the only way to stop the torment that is his life. The basic premise has been done a billion times but it still beats James’ complete nonsense ending.

    I don’t know. There’s got to be something clever that can be done.

    Maybe we need Newt Wallen to punch things up a bit.

    There he is tweeting about dead people again. Back on the death train. Riding around and around Newt Cave. A never ending cycle of torment.

    And, of course, the Ideas Man makes it all about himself. “When all of the other big famous Youtubers abandoned me for whole plagiarism, Billy stuck with me.”

    Well…okay. Great. Doesn’t tell me much about Billy, though.

    I never watched Game Chasers so I don’t know anything about him. I think that I’ve heard of the show. Having VERY quickly skimmed an episode just now, I do not want to watch this.

    But condolences to Billy’s friends and family. But not asshole Newt.

    Oh, Mr Wright Way. I forgot all about that guy. He did a video about Billy, which is how I rediscovered his channel just now. But there’s a video from last month where he’s with Destiny Fomo aka Madam Fomo.

    She has a foot of cleavage showing, as usual.

    Gnome Cave is on a circular track. We should be able to do something with that. It’s circular, let’s say, UNLESS you take the dragon exit. The dragon exit is the only way to break the cycle. The cycle of what? The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism: suffering exists, desire is the cause of suffering, ending desire ends suffering, the Eightfold Path is the way to Enlightenment.

    The dragon as a metaphor for the Fourth Noble Truth. *Nostalgia*. Collecting old video games. Hanging out with prostitutes like Destiny Fomo. Trying to reclaim what you’ve lost. These are all paths to unhappiness.

    Stoicism. “Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.”

    “You are afraid of dying? But how is this life of yours anything but death?”

    The dragon. Dante’s obsession with *nostalgia*. He has to come to a revelation that he’s wasted his life with that. By killing the dragon, he somehow breaks the cycle. Facing his fears? Too corny and not on point. How does facing the dragon give him any insight?

    If he goes there realising that he’s going to die and that he wasted his life, it’s too negative. There’s no message. Nothing was learned. He has to go in, changed.

    Whore Fomo. Mr Wright Way. Newt Wallen. James Rolfe. These are people who have wasted their lives. But it could all end if they realised the futility of desire. “To fear death is to misunderstand the nature of life itself—it is not an interruption but a continuation.”

    Tao Te Ching: “To realize that all things change is to be awake. To think in terms of birth and death is to remain asleep.”

    So you have this asshole Dante. He assembled his friends to go to Gnome Cave. Why? What was he hoping to achieve? Who gives a shit about the fucking dragon? Were his friends just humoring him? They didn’t even remember the park. Did they just have nothing better to do on the weekend?

    Is that the message? ALL of them were wasting their lives? Not just Dante? By confronting the dragon, they’re living their lives to the fullest, something they should have done twenty years ago. We’re on to something. It’s better than that bullshit that Rolfe came up with. So by confronting the dragon, whatever it is, they’re saying to themselves that they don’t fear death, just like they don’t fear the non-being state that they were in before they were born. Whatever happens with the dragon, they’re going to move forward and live life in the present, to the fullest. No more “no time”, no more, “my muse doesn’t talk to me any more”, no more, “hey, get a load of this prostitute I’m hanging out with.”

    There’s your story. Fuck the dragon. You don’t even have to show him. End the story with them going in to face the dragon, unafraid, with this profound revelation, and leave it ambiguous as to what the dragon is or if it exists at all.

    There’s your ending. I think it beats the whole, “Cait inexplicably thinks that she’s going to get charged with murder so tries to wipe her fingerprints from everything” ending. That one doesn’t even make sense.

  • Gnome Cave Lounge – Cinemassacre

    If you want to avoid the homoeroticism of Reddit, I’ve pre-ordered the book and will be discussing it here. Apart from this introductory paragraph, everything will be done in reverse chronological order so my oldest comments will be at the bottom and my newest comments at the top. Hopefully, this will all make sense. I’ll time stamp my comments using rural Pennsylvania time aka Eastern Standard Time.

    Edit. I’ve now finished. You have to read this in reverse chronological order for it to make sense. Maybe I’ll write a review of the book another time but…what’s the point? I think that I’ve summed everything up. It’s complete and utter shit.

    Edit 2: I’ve reordered everything so it’s chronological now.

    12:36 pm – I’m currently waiting for the book to drop. I assume that it should be around midnight EST but who knows with those buffoons at Screenwave. The book is being published by Retroware, which is what Screenwave is called now.

    It’s only 98 pages. And I notice that there’s an illustrator so this is perhaps illustrated, which brings the page count in terms of written material even lower. The illustrator is listed as Marieke Douma. Here’s her…art page.

    https://www.artstation.com/mkdouma6

    It says that she’s from Canada. I am…not digging this. I don’t want to be needlessly critical but…maybe it’s just the type of work that she seems to do. It’s…I don’t know. Science fiction? Gore? It’s not for me.

    Why did James get this woman to do the work? Why didn’t he get his wife to do it? She’s an artist, right? She even illustrated books, as I recall.

    Or why didn’t he get fucking Mike Matei? It seems a natural.

    It couldn’t have been about money because presumably this woman was paid. And if it was about money, surely his wife and possibly Mike would have done it for free (although I like to think that Mike wouldn’t have done it for free). It just doesn’t make any sense. He got this weird gore artist to do it instead.

    And the editor is Robyn Schelenz. Her only other credit is James Rolfe’s biography and we know what a bang up job she did on that.

    GET A PROFESSIONAL. Who is this woman?

    https://robynschelenz.com/about

    This has got to be her. She’s from rural Pennsylvania and her work is “forthcoming.” So she has nothing.

    She has some poems that you can read online. This is a LONG DEAD medium. I’ve skimmed some of her “work” and it’s exactly as pretentious and shit as you would imagine. I won’t even sully the blog by reprinting any of it.

    Apparently, she’s currently in California as an “MFA student”. Whatever that is. Let’s look it up.

    Master of Fine Arts. Fine. Presumably writing. Let’s see what kind of prestigious school Saint Mary’s College is.

    Remarkably, not prestigious enough for Wikipedia.

    81% acceptance rate. Well, that’s actually lower than I expected. And presumably the graduate school has an even lower acceptance? 1,400 undergraduates, 94 graduate students.

    It’s just another degree mill. And what the fuck is she going to do with this degree anyway? You can either write or you can’t. There’s no such thing as applying for a job as a novelist. Or a poet. Nobody is demanding a degree. Nobody cares if you have a degree or not. Did Ernest Hemmingway had a degree? Let’s look this up.

    No. Never set foot in college. Nobody cares.

    Mark Twain? No. Finished school at age 12.

    But let’s not go too far back. What about Stephen King? Bachelor’s Degree in English.

    Did it help, though? Maybe his writing improved. I don’t know what kind of classes he had. But for the amount of money this woman must be paying…let me look at the tuition. $31,690 a year. She better start cranking those poems out at Newt Wallen levels if she ever wants to get out of debt. She needs to shoot for fifty poems a day.

    Here’s her BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/robynschelenz.bsky.social

    Likes:

    • Being gay
    • American football
    • Rural Pennsylvania

    Dislikes:

    • Donald Trump

    THIS is the person who’s editing the book? What the fuck are her qualifications? I assume that it’s just somebody who he knows personally or his wife knows or somebody at Screenwave knows. Why didn’t they shell out for an ACTUAL editor? It can’t cost that much to get an actual editor. And surely, an actual editor would be worth it because they’d be able to IMPROVE what is surely a giant piece of shit of a book.

    The book is like three dollars, by the way. Kindle only.

    7:02 pm – Fuck yes! Gnome Cave time! I think I got it early. What a scoop. It’s apparently released based on YOUR local time. It just turned midnight for me. Time to kick back with some great literature.

    7:05 pm – I’m not seeing any illustrations other than the cover. So…it’s just the cover. He paid for that abomination?

    7:09 pm – Page three gives the credits. Written by James Rolfe. And then “help” by some other people. Proofreading by William J Burkhardt. Copy Editor is Robyn Schelenz. Legal by Ian Friedman. Has to be the first time I’ve seen a “legal” credit in a book. Cover illustration by Marieke Douma. Formatting & Design by ilovemycover dot com. So just some free program, presumably. Publishing Manager is Justin Silverman. Copyright 2024 so perhaps they were sitting on this one for a while. Published by the good people at Retroware aka Screenwave Media Inc.

    7:15 pm – Unbelieveable. He starts the book by talking about what a massive let down it is to write a book. He literally talks about how he would rather make a movie because that’s the ultimate craft but he doesn’t have the time because he has children. I’m not making this up.

    When is he going to stop with this? You don’t have time because you’re a father. We don’t fucking care.

    And I’m supposed to read this fucking thing that he’s advertising as something less than a movie? What about propping up a novel as its own independent, worthwhile medium? It’s not like books are a fad. They’ve been entertaining people since the dawn of civilisation. Fucking asshole. Fuck this guy.

    And this is how he starts the book. I’m already annoyed with this whiny bitch.

    7:21 pm – Many years ago, I would have thought the written word would be very limiting to the visuals I wish to portray. But I have total faith that you, as the reader, will see it. You will dress the actors, light the sets and maybe even compose the music all in your mind. If you picked up this book, I’m sure that already means you’re already a creative person.

    Go fuck yourself. YOU’RE the one who’s supposed to add all of these details. NOT the reader. He wants the READER to do all of the work. No. James. YOU’RE the one writing the book. MAKE IT GOOD, ASSHOLE.

    And then he has the nerve to try to sweet talk us. “Oh, if you’re picking up this book, you be a creative person.” By saying this, he’s suggesting that HE’S creative. BUT HE ISN’T. HE’S SHIT! This is just him stroking his own ego. It’s what he does. James thinks that he’s the greatest person ever.

    7:24 pm – Writing a book has given me a refreshing sense of freedom. With every line, I didn’t have to worry about logistics. Words are free. And there’s less of a chance for things to go wrong. The worst thing that could happen is I write a shitty story, but then who cares?

    WHO CARES? I CARE! I JUST PAID THREE BUCKS FOR THIS!

    He’s telling you in the INTRODUCTION that the book is probably going to be shitty. And it will be, let’s be clear on that. BUT THEN WHY RELEASE THE BOOK? Why take money for something that you KNOW is shit?

    7:27 pm – I enjoy the social aspect of working with other people but there is something more efficient about just sitting here by myself, writing it alone. It went straight from my brain to the page, without any outside interference. No compromise. This is me in my purest form. I’m giving myself to you.

    Umm…this is making me uncomfortable. I do not want James Rolfe in his purest form. James…listen…I’m sure you’re a nice guy but I don’t want this. Don’t give yourself to me.

    And the book will be shit. Total shit. So he’s right that this is his work but…the work is bad. He’s bad. He’s a bad writer. He’s a big dummy. He spent seven and a half years in special education. His autobiography was PAINFULLY bad.

    7:30 pm – And remember, it can STILL be a film. The book supports it. It doesn’t take anything away. Perhaps someone will read this and want to help get the film made.

    I’ve never seen a lazier person. Not only does he want you to write the book for him, dress the characters, write the music, et cetera, but now he wants you to make the film adaptation too. And again, he’s at pains to label the book, SOMETHING THAT I JUST BOUGHT, as something stale and boring and in no way superior to a movie.

    7:36 pm – So FINALLY we start. The protagonist is called Dante. Here’s an original idea. Hell. Dante. Get it? That one’s for the scholars out there.

    I just finished chapter one. It was THREE PAGES. Two and a half, really. What the fuck? It was just fucking Dante and his three homosexual friends about to embark on this…amusement park ride. Whatever it is.

    And the grammar in this thing…I’m trying not to focus on all of the changes that I would make in terms of punctuation and whatnot because who really gives a shit and people do things differently. Although, I’m pretty sure that a lot of what he’s doing here is objectively incorrect. But just…the words. The weird syntax. It’s unnatural and hard to read. This is the product of a straight up, no fooling retard.

    Here’s an example from chapter 2: “That’s how Dante pictured him, at least, but he was awaiting his own moment to shine.”

    Believe me, it doesn’t make much more sense when you read it in context. It’s not even a sentence. And “he was awaiting his own moment to shine?” “He was WAITING for his moment to shine”, I could get behind. But not whatever the fuck that was.

    I don’t want to focus on the terrible grammar because that’s boring and who cares. But I’m just stating here that the grammar is terrible and the result of James Rolfe being mentally challenged.

    7:48 pm – Chapter two. It goes back in time now to when Dante and his three friends: Bruce, Cait, and somebody else are in high school or something. They go to this amusement park in New Jersey. There’s the smell of “dope smoke” in this amusement park. Unbelievable. “Dope smoke.”

    But they talk about this fucking Gnome Cave ride and how there’s a dragon at the end of the ride and it’s super scary. So at some point, over the years, the ride operator installed a lever on each car of this ride to allow you to bypass the dragon if you were too scared. Dante and his friends asked some kids what the dragon was like and the kids said that they didn’t see it because they were too scared.

    Then there’s discussion about how scary the dragon could actually be. Somebody in Dante’s group talks about some rumour of somebody dying as a result of this dragon.

    I’m on fucking tenterhooks here. THIS IS AWFUL!

    7:56 pm – Chapter three. They’re riding along this ride. A LOT of BORING detail about the ride. It’s just the Small World ride from Disney World or where ever. And almost NO dialogue. What little dialogue there is in the book is TERRIBLE and PAINFULLY unnatural.

    Also, if you’re looking for character development, forget it. I don’t know anything about these characters other than Cait is a girl and Bruce (I think) is large. I still don’t know the fourth guy’s name.

    So they go through this ride and they reach the point where you have to choose to go to the dragon or not. After maybe a paragraph of hype about how “scary” this dragon is, they choose…not to go. Then the ride ends. Well, great.

    8:00 pm – Chapter four. Now we’re back in the present. Dante is a truck driver. He drives his truck and then he goes to a rest stop and eats a sandwich. THAT’S THE CHAPTER!

    8:08 pm – Chapter five. Look at this “natural” dialogue from TRUCK DRIVER Dante:

    • ““Mother, how are you feeling?”
    • “Have you eaten anything today?”
    • “I got you some organic veggie soup. Figured you wouldn’t mind it. It’s gluten free. There’s no peas, because I know you don’t like those. Low sodium. It’s healthy.”

    TRUCK DRIVER. Now, I don’t want to say that there aren’t any homosexual truck drivers but even gay truck drivers are not talking like this. Fucking ridiculous.

    And his mother is a giant bitch for no reason. And she got sick over covid, one of James Rolfe’s biggest fears.

    Then the mother just dies. No explanation given other than covid. Just in one sentence (or at least what James to be a sentence), she’s dead. And then the chapter ends with more moaning about how awful covid was.

    8:12 – Chapter six. Dante is going through his dead mother’s stuff and finds a picture from the amusement park that was taken with his friends Bruce, Cait and Adam. The fourth guy is Adam. And…that’s it. That’s the chapter.

    8:19 – Chapter seven. Bruce is working in a boring office job. And James CLEARLY has no idea what working in an office is like. This is PAINFULLY naive. It’s just a retard’s idea of what a boring office job would be like. James HATES actual jobs. He hates the PEOPLE who do actual jobs.

    Adam seems to be an unemployed loser who plays Dungeons & Dragons all day. This guy represents what James thinks his fanbase is like.

    Cait is blatantly unemployed.

    So the three of them just somehow get letters from Dante asking to meet up again to go to Gnome Cave. How did Dante track them down? They’ve not been in touch for twenty years. It’s not explained. Maybe he found them on Facebook or something.

    8:33 pm – Chapter eight. Dante is at his mother’s burial, alone, when Adam, Bruce, and Cait miraculously all appear at the same time, in separate cars. Why would they meet at the cemetary? And they were late. All of them were late and yet arrived at the same time. It’s a good thing that Dante didn’t already leave. What would have happened then? I mean, everybody else apparently left. The priest and whatever relatives.

    Then they go to a diner. James wants you to know what each of them ordered. He thought that this was an important detail.

    Then after some INCREDIBLY stilted, unnatural dialogue like “Ever have an Irish coffee?” asked Adam. Bruce lit up, “You mean with the booze in it? No, but that sounds like a plan” we get…no. I can’t gloss this over. You’re telling me that men in their 40s don’t know what “Irish coffee” means? It’s JAMES who doesn’t know what this means. That’s why he put it in. This is all new to retard James Rolfe.

    So anyway, they’re in the diner and this diner inexplicably serves alcohol. Figure that one out. They have some awkward, unnatural dialogue and then Cait basically says, “Well, sorry about your dead mom. I have to go home now even though I don’t have a job or a family.” None of these four people seem have families and only two of them have jobs.

    But that’s when Dante suggests that they go to this amusement park. Cait is surprised by this DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE NOTE THAT DANTE GAVE HER SAID TO MEET UP TO GO TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK.

    Who proofread any of this?

    Also weird, none of these people, including Dante, seem to have much of a memory of even going to this amusement park. They remember NOTHING about it. This is perhaps a window into the hazy mind of James Rolfe. He has no recollection of doing anything, apparently.

    8:46 pm – Chapter nine. – They’re back at the amusement park. Even though they seem not to remember ANYTHING about the park, they do remember that it was the first amusement park that Dante’s mother dropped them off at. So…you’d think it might be memorable. No.

    And despite the fact that Dante’s mother dropped them off, she apparently didn’t check that everybody had money. Because they snuck in. Didn’t at least Dante have money? Wouldn’t the mother have made sure that Dante had money to pay for the fucking ticket? No. They snuck in.

    And inexplicably, adult Dante gets a sickle out and starts hacking weeds and shit as they try to find the hole in the fence that they snuck in from. WHY did he have a sickle with him? Why would he assume that the overgrowth would be so bad that he’d need a sickle? And how did he even remember how they snuck in? Because they don’t seem to remember ANYTHING about this amusement park, except when they suddenly do.

    So they find the hole again, they sneak in. James goes into boring detail about the various rides. It’s totally irrelvant, just like his obsession with their food at the diner. And then they find a castle ride which I guess was built later on top of the gnome ride. So…here’s another thing that they didn’t remember but now suddenly remember. Because these people didn’t even fucking remember the gnome ride just two fucking short chapters ago.

    8:55 pm – Chapter ten – Dante, inexplicably, knows that the entrance to Gnome Cave is behind some boarded up door in this castle ride. HOW? He barely even remembered that the amusement park EXISTED. How does he suddenly know the CURRENT logistics of this HIDDEN ride which is within a ride that was built AFTER they were there?

    But, of course, Dante is right. He pulls back some board with a crowbar that he magically had with him. Pulled it out of his ass and put the sickle up there. They even make the joke the SECOND time something like, “You really came prepared” because this is all preposterous. Why would Dante know all of this? Why would he know that he would need all of this equipment? For an amusement park that he seemingly has NO MEMORY OF. NOBODY remembers this fucking amusement park. So why are they even there to begin with? What’s the appeal? They have *nostalgia* for something that they DON’T REMEMBER?

    Well, I suppose that Erin is the same way.

    9:09 pm – Chapter eleven.

    “Gnomes are usually shorter,” remarked Adam. “Is there an actual height?” asked Dante, intrigued. “Well, it depends,” Adam explained. “In Warcraft, gnomes are about three feet tall. But the traditional garden gnomes are much tinier. Come to think of it, I think these are all supposed to be dwarves.” “So even the name of the ride is wrong?” asked Cait. “Oh, who cares? It’s still great,” said Bruce. “Dwarves are usually depicted as miners and blacksmiths,” continued Adam. “Like in Snow White?” asked Dante.“Sure, but that’s an exception where they’re spelled ‘dwarfs’ with an F, instead of VE,” clarified Adam. “Yeah. Yeah. That’s all very cool,” said Bruce. “Anyway, look over there!”

    Somebody on Reddit posted a James & Mike Mondays from probably TEN YEARS AGO where James had largely this same boring monologue.

    So the quartet of personality blackholes are wandering through the Gnome Cave when they find one of the carts that you’d sit in for the ride. The safety bar locks them in and won’t unlock. Then we get this great bit of dialogue:

    “Okay, nobody fart, please,” joked Bruce.”

    IT MAKES NO SENSE. Straight up retard. They’re stuck on a cart. Spooky stuff, I guess, is going to start happening. So Bruce is concerned about flatulence all of a sudden? WHY? FUCK YOU, RETARD ROLFE!

    But anyway, despite the fact that they’re now TRAPPED IN THE CART, Dante is super excited because he’s finally back to this childhood memory THAT HE DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER of being in the cart with his friends. And even though the entrance that they just went through has now suddenly collapsed, he’s still really jazzed about what’s happening.

    Has anybody farted? I don’t know. I guess that James wants the reader to fill these important details in for themselves. So…I’ll say no. There was no breaking of wind. But Cait queefed. This is all crucial to the story.

    9:19 pm – Chapter twelve. You know how in chapter eleven they were trapped in the carts? Well, they just wriggled out of it. So much for that. Then Bruce started trying to clear debris from the collapsed entrance but it was decided that it would take too long. So Dante suggests that they journey forward. He reminds them that the ride circles around and will lead to an exit. But…if it circles around, wouldn’t it just lead back to where they are? Well, whatever. Who cares at this point?

    Nobody wants to go except for Dante but then Dante reminds Adam that fighting the dragon will be just like Adam’s fondess for Dungeons & Dragons. And Adam, like a retard, is convinced by this. Adam then compares the four of them to a party of Dungeons & Dragons characters. And then…they just start wandering ahead as Dante, inexplicably, is convinced that there’s going to be an exit up ahead. And he’s very maudlin when interacting with these elf statues and shit despite the fact that he doesn’t seem to remember the fucking ride. Except when he does.

    9:28 pm – Chapter thirteen. I…guess that everybody went their separate ways. Then everybody gets killed. Separately. No build up. Just…somebody walks over and kills everybody. Except for Dante. And the chapter ends with Dante holding a bloody sickle.

    So I’m super invested in these characters that have little to no backstory now. Well, they’re dead now but this is surely just a dream sequence or something. No, Rolfe wouldn’t be that lazy. This is surely going to be some convoluted bullshit that doesn’t make any sense like the AVGN Movie, Wizard of Oz 3: Dororthy Goes to Hell, that Board James shit that was full of nonsensical lore, et cetera.

    9:36 pm – Chapter fourteen. Dante loads his corpse friends into the cart and starts pushing it. He’s happy to see them in the cart, just like when they were kids. But…they were all willing to continue. Why kill them? It makes no sense. They ALL AGREED TO CONTINUE THE FUCKING RIDE.

    Calm down. We’re talking about James Rolfe here. Master film maker. Master story teller. I’m sure that all will be explained.

    The chapter ends with Dante pushing his cart of inexplicably killed friends towards the track that leads to the dragon.

    9:45 pm – Chapter fifteen. Cait suddenly wakes up, having merely been hit on the head with a giant mallet while Bruce and Adam were stabbed. She fights with Dante but can’t escape the bar of the cart, despite the fact that they just squirmed out of it earlier.

    Dante then explains that he had to kill them because getting older is no good because you get dementia and shit just like his mother.

    Then Cait manages to wriggle out (again) and runs off towards the non-dragon exit. But…the exit is blocked. So she just decides to chill and let Dante go to the dragon side.

    I’m sure she’s fine. I mean, she got his in the head with a giant mallet and was assumed dead for what I’m guessing is at least fifteen minutes. She also flopped around lifelessly during that time. But she seemed to just shake it off so whatever.

    9:51 pm – Chapter sixteen. Dante meets the dragon but it turns out to just be a cartoon mural of a dragon. Dante then has some deep, philosophical insight about…I don’t even know. It’s just James Rolfe complaining about the high taxes and pollution in California, a result of his abortion of a movie.

    Whoa, double fake out. Then suddenly, Dante comes face to face with a big, imposing metal, animatronic dragon with sharp teeth and everything. Oops. I just peed myself.

    9:58 pm – Chapter seventeen. Cait hears Dante screaming and after a while decides to take a stroll into this dragon path that presumably killed Dante. Or maybe Dante is waiting to kill her. But she’s convinced that it’s the only way out, despite the fact that Bruce was making serious headways with the debris at the entrance and was almost out when Dante inexplicably killed him. Although, I guess Cait wasn’t there for that. But she was there when Bruce said that it was possible to remove the debris, it would just take time.

    But anyway, plothole number ten billion notwithstanding, she goes to the dragon part of the ride and finds Dante dead, seemingly of fright. There’s no dragon in sight other than the cartoon depiction on the mural. So…she doesn’t know what killed Dante but…who knows what ANY of this is. I still don’t know why Dante attacked anybody in the first place.

    10:14 pm – Chapter eighteen. I had to read this chapter twice to figure out what was going on. Cait leaves. But then she’s concerned because she doesn’t want to get accused of murder. She thinks that that’s something that would have happened because she’s the sole survivor.

    So she goes back inside, takes Dante’s shirt off, and wraps it around her head. She has a head wound from getting hit with a giant mallet, remember. It’s been dripping blood all over the place.

    Then she puts Dante into the cart along with Bruce and Adam. She takes their cell phones and the keys to Dante’s car. I guess that Adam and Bruce didn’t have their car keys with them. Or maybe she just didn’t want them. I don’t know why she wants their phones.

    Then she tries to remove all traces of herself from the scene. So she goes back and wipes her fingerprints from the bar of the cart and she removes her footprints and shit like this. She also dripped a lot of blood but she thinks that just stomping on it will get rid of it.

    It takes until sunset before she’s convinced that she’s done a good enough job hiding her tracks. I mean…what the fuck? Has James never heard of DNA? Plus, she’s in the fucking picture that she left with them. And her blood is ALL OVER THE PLACE. You can’t just smash it into the ground. And how the fuck did she get rid of all of her footprints? And she must have touched LOADS of stuff other than the bar of the cart. She wiped all of that down too?

    TOTAL NONSENSE. This is 100% RETARD think. HOW was the book released with THIS PREPOSTEROUS ending?

    Well. Just hold on. It’s not quite the ending. We still have 11 pages. James can still pull this off. I have faith.

    10:29 pm – Chapter nineteen. It’s just more nonsense. Cait returns to the diner, in Dante’s car (that’s how they got to the amusement park) and then wipes her fingerprints from the car as best she could. I’m sure that works well. Adam and Bruce’s cars are still in the diner so…I don’t know. That’s mentioned for some reason.

    Then she suddenly remembers that she still has Dante’s bloody shirt wrapped around her head. It’s been there for probably…oh…maybe twelve hours at this point. But she only now remembers it, having driven around town with it on.

    So she starts driving home in her own car, still with the shirt on her head. The police start chasing her. But then it turns out that it was nothing. More great story-telling from the Rolfe man. So she gets home, throws the shirt away, resets their phones, and throws the phones away too. You might want to dispose of this stuff somewhere other than your own trash can but…I mean…there is NO WAY that she did anywhere NEAR a thorough enough job for this.

    But this is all pointless anyway because WHY WOULD ANYBODY BLAME HER FOR THE MURDERS IN THE FIRST PLACE?

    How would anybody even FIND THE BODIES? They’re in that amusement park that’s been abandoned for THIRTY YEARS in a long-forgotten attraction hidden WITHIN a long forgotten attraction and the entrance to this attraction is collapsed and hidden. WHO IS GOING TO FIND THIS?

    Then the chapter ends with Cait shitting herself because she remembered that she paid for the food at the diner with a credit card. Cait…what the fuck…NONE of this makes sense. James is building all of this up on a foundation of excrement. There is no logical motivation for Cait to do ANY of this. And even if Cait was concerned about getting blamed for the murder, NOTHING she did would help. Her DNA is all over the fucking place. She’s been leaving a trail of blood from the amusement park to the diner and now back to her home.

    10:36 pm – Chapter twenty. The police briefly interrogate her and inexplicably find no evidence of her being involved in the disappearance of the three men.

    Also, why the fuck did she just leave their bodies in the cart? If she was so concerned, why didn’t she bury them? Or chop them up into a billion pieces and throw them in the lake? It doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense.

    Everybody in this story behaves like a straight up, no fooling, mentally retarded person. Because JAMES is mentally retarded. All of these characters are him.

    The rest of the chapter is just Cait trying to make sense of what happened in Gnome Cave AND trying to make sense of her own INEXPLICABLE actions. So James is even acknowledging that NONE of this made sense. But he’s too fucking retarded to write a story that DOES make sense so he resorts to his old, tired, “Hehe…it was SUPPOSED to be bad” defence.

    10:54 pm – Chapter twenty-one. Now we get the epilogue. Hoo boy. Get ready for some crap.

    Cait goes back to the park like three years later and it’s all been bulldozed.

    Then she goes back at the twenty year anniversary of their inexplicable deaths. She’s in her 60s now. It’s never revealed if she got a job but she’s living with her sister.

    Now, this is like 2045, I guess. The future. And the location of Gnome Cave has been developed. It’s now a SHOPPING MALL.

    This is James Rolfe’s idea of the future. He thinks that shopping malls are going to make a comeback.

    But here’s the one glimpse of James’ futurology predictions. He says that on the site of Gnome Cave, which Cait inexplicably was able to locate, there now sits a combination Starbucks/Chinese restaurant. So…is he saying that in the future, Starbucks will merge with a chain Chinese restaurant like you have combination Taco Bell/KFCs? Or did the Chinese purchase Starbucks? OR, is this some situation where the Chinese have invaded the US and taken over all of the businesses by force and required them to serve Chinese food?

    Also, by the way, Cait pays for her coffee using cash. TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW. But maybe it was with yuan. But…I think people in China today rarely pay with cash either. Well, whatever.

    It’s all a build up to the chilling ending: Cait sees a Chinese dragon in the Chinese restaurant. You know…dragons being a popular motif in Chinese establishments. And…Cait finds this somehow significant.

    TERRIBLE. THE WORST BOOK I’VE EVER READ. I PAID THREE DOLLARS FOR THIS?

    HE THINKS THAT SOMEBODY IS GOING TO WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF THIS TRASH? IT’S STRAIGHT UP RETARD SHIT.

  • James Rolfe’s Upcoming Book: Gnome Cave

    I’m pumped for this. A haunted amusement park. How could you not love it? We all like Scooby Doo, right? This is the plot every third Scooby Doo episode.

    Is the background greenscreen? He had those books in the background of a previous video because I remember that book with the moon on it. Anyway, very intellectual background. That’s what you want to see for serious discussion like a book about a haunted amusement park. This is like Masterpiece Theater stuff.

    Whatever happened to Masterpiece Theater?

    There’s the intro. Oh, it’s still ongoing. Started in 1971. Good for them.

    So let’s check out some Scooby Doo episodes to try to figure out what Gnome Cave might be about. It’s got to be somewhere in these episodes.

    https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Cases_set_at_theme_parks

    There are 30 listed but that’s not even all of them. There’s no Foul Play in Funland, for example. Eigth epidode of the first season of Scooby Doo Where Are You, the very first incarnation of the show. Before they had guest stars.

    https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/The_Haunted_Carnival

    Here’s The Haunted Carnival. The final episode of The New Scooby Doo Mysteries. Dick Van Dyke helps the gang solve this particular mystery.

    Oh, that list of 30 items includes video game levels and comic books. That’s interesting. They even have the 1999 book also called The Haunted Carnival but this one features Scrappy Doo as well.

    https://scoobydoo.fandom.com/wiki/Scooby-Doo!The_Haunted_Carnival(Golden_Books)

    The cartoon episode of the same name features Dick Van Dyke and it’s revealed that the carnival Strongman was the ghost. But the book seems totally unrelated to the episode.

    That woman does a reading. Badly. I don’t even think she’s familiar with the show. Right at the start, she misreads the Shaggy quote, “Like, let’s investivate” as “Let’s, like, investigate”. Shaggy, of course, known for starting his sentences with “like.”

    Her inflections are all wrong and unnatural. She gets her words muddled up. She does voices but they don’t match the characters AT ALL. It’s just jarring.

    2:15 – Whoa. Check out Mrs Gullet, the sword swallower. This has to be intentional. I don’t mean the lame pun but why make the character have such giant tits?

    2:45 – Just listen to that awful Scrappy Doo impression.

    And this book makes NO SENSE. It just immediately switches to new scenes every time you turn the page. There’s no logical progression. On one page, they’re popping balloons in a carnival game, the next page has them meeting the Phantom of the Carnival, the next page has them in a hall of mirrors. What is this? Is any of this going to be resolved satisfactorily?

    No. All that happens is the Phantom of the Carnival TRIPS OVER SCOOBY DOO. Then that top-heavy sword swallower unmasks him and it’s…some guy who named Scotty who wanted to buy the carnival. He was haunting the carnival hoping to lower the property value and thereby get a deal. It’s preposterous. And what was he even doing to haunt the place? Putting paint in the balloon games? Who cares?

    And that woman reads the final page TERRIBLY. She doesn’t know the characters. Doesn’t know their catchphrases. So she stumbles over everything.

    Nevertheless, I still think that this book will be better than Gnome Cave. I mean, come on. A haunted amusement park? The man is nearly 50 years old.

    And that autobiography…it was the worst thing I’ve ever read. This guy has no business writing anything.

    Speaking of people who have no business writing anything, Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen shit out another incomprehensible script.

  • Mike and Erin stream Family Feud and other Super Nintendo games – Erin Plays

    Oh, Erin is pretending to be a big Family Feud fan today. Great.

    And we have Mike in his Mickey Mouse shirt. Quite a change from his usual black t-shirt. I suspect that this was a gift from Erin. Maybe she got it during one of her twice-monthly trips to Disneyland. Perhaps she’s checking on her parents’ estate while she’s there.

    Do you suppose she’ll keep the property in California? I mean, she’s there so often, it would make sense. It would be cheaper than getting a hotel. More convenient. Plus, all the memories she has of her childhood home. You know…staring at the wall, that time that she played Pole Position on her father’s Atari 2600 PC CD-ROM.

    0:00 – “Also, I’m getting over being sick so if I’m coughing, I’m sorry.”

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more unhealthy person. She’s ALWAYS sick. Or so she claims. It’s a mental health problem, not a physical one.

    Then she edits something out. So let’s go to Twitch for the unedited goodness.

    Mike points at his shirt and says do you know who that is? Erin, the charisma blackhole that she is, says, “No. I’ve never seen that character before.” Mike then says “Mortimer Mouse.” Erin says, “Ew. Mickey is a much better name.”

    I’m about 90% sure that Erin didn’t get the reference.

    So that’s what she edited out. Just that. Just that little “joke” that I think exposes Erin as not knowing that Mickey Mouse was originally called Mortimer Mouse.

    0:30 – Erin says, “At first we were going to do it like him versus me but I think we should be on the same team like versus the computer.”

    Oh sure. That makes perfect sense, Erin. That’s what everybody likes seeing, right? A little cooperation. To hell with competitiveness.

    How stupid does she think we are? Well, I suppose that her viewers are largely mentally retarded but even they can’t be buying this. She knows she’s going to get destroyed because she knows nothing about video games, doesn’t know the rules around Family Feud, and won’t be able to answer even the simple questions that come up on Family Feud.

    She goes on to explain that doing it this way means that they can look at the chat and otherwise it would be “too stressful.” It makes NO SENSE. How does being on the same team mean that they can look at the chat more? They could look at the chat the same exact amount of time IF NOT MORE by being on opposite teams. When the one player is playing, the other player can look at the chat. What the fuck is she talking about? It’s just some paper thin excuse, totally illogical, that she came up with because she doesn’t want to get curb stomped by Mike and demonstrate her complete lack of knowledge about EVERYTHING. Newsflash, Erin. That horse has long since bolted from the barn and is now living in Florida. EVERYBODY knows that you’re an idiot. It’s not a secret. Move on.

    1:15 – So Erin is starting the game. You can CLEARLY change what the family looks like, there’s an arrow after the words “Family 1” but Erin doesn’t realize this. So she just asks what the family’s name should be. You can see the retarded suggestion that the chat came up with in the screenshot.

    1:45 – Mike asks Erin if she’s ever owned a Furby. No prizes for guessing her answer. What the fuck were her parents doing?

    “I didn’t but I had friends who did.”

    Great story, Erin.

    2:15 – Mike asks if she ever had a Cabbage Patch doll.

    No prizes for this one either. But at least she has an excuse here. It’s before her time. But Furbies aren’t.

    Mike asks if she ever had Beanie Babies.

    Hold everything. Erin says that she DID have Beanie Babies. What the fuck? Maybe she stole one from a friend or something because her parents weren’t buying her anything.

    Mike asks if they had names. Erin says, “Yeah…like, I don’t remember their names but each one, like the little Ty heart tag, it would say their name.”

    How bizarre is this? It shows that she had absolutely no attachment to these things. I had loads of stuffed animals and I can still tell you their names. It’s like Erin is incapable of caring about anything or anyone.

    3:00 – So first question. Name something Switzerland is famous for. Erin is not going to have a clue. I’ll say chocolate…wait, this is the bullseye round so I only have to give one answer. I’ll say chocolate. Let’s see if Erin gives an answer AT ALL or if she just leaves it to Mike or looks at the chat for answers.

    Mike screams out, “The Matterhorn”. Erin pauses and says…”Do you think that’s…going to be an answer.”

    She’s right to be cautious. First of all, she has no idea what it is. I don’t even know. A mountain, I think. But secondly, this is the BULLSEYE round. Only the TOP answer will be shown. Erin clearly doesn’t know this. Erin has clearly never seen the show before OR played the SNES game.

    Then Mike says “chocolate” and Erin says, “Oh yeah.” But she’s still typing “Matterhorn” in.

    Oh, chocolate was a suggestion from the chat. This is what we want to see. How well do the retards in the chat play the game.

    Guys…PLAY THE FUCKING GAME YOURSELVES. We want see how well YOU do. I want to see Erin answer every single question BY HERSELF. What’s so hard about this?

    But then Erin, inexplicably, just types in “Alps” which was apparently the correct answer. She presumably got this answer from the chat.

    Then she says, “Yeah, I guess I should have said mountains.”

    BUT YOU GOT THE RIGHT FUCKING ANSWER. She doesn’t seem to realize that.

    3:45 – “Name an occupation in which it would be a help to be a good listener.”

    Who wrote these questions? It’s oddly phrased. I don’t know. Let’s find out what the chat says because Erin certainly won’t come up with anything and Mike is looking at his phone, presumably at the chat.

    Erin lost out to the computer who answered “physician.” Erin claims that she was going to say “therapist.” Well then fucking buzz in quicker.

    Physician was the right answer.

    4:00 – “Name an occupation in which people get lots of mail.” I’ll say actor. Fan mail.

    Erin buzzes in, doesn’t know, and then asks for help. Mike doesn’t know. She looks at the chat, who may or may not have provided an answer, and then says, “I don’t know. I guess mailman?”

    Then she goes with senator, presmably an answer from the chat.

    Mike reads from the chat and they seem to be saying “celebrity.”

    Senator was wrong. The computer says “show biz” which was right.

    5:00 – “Besides king and queen, name a title some people have in England.” I’ll say prince.

    Mike says “sir”, which, of course, is not a title in this sense.

    Erin even, inadvertently corrects him, and says “Oh yeah, like you can be knighted.” So the title is KNIGHT you morons.

    It was wrong, of course. Erin says, “How come we’re getting dominated here?” Because your answers are shit and you’re shit.

    The computer says “lady”, which of course is not a title either. The computer seems to be as stupid as Mike and Erin are.

    So we never got the right answer.

    5:30 – “Name a person who expects you to pay attention to him or her.” Boyfriend. Let’s see if Erin actually manages this one.

    Erin has a vacant look and Mike says “kids”, inexplicably.

    Wrong, of course.

    The chat suggested teacher, which is also shit.

    The computer says “spouse” which of course was the right answer.

    It really illustrates what Mike and Erin’s relationship is like that this didn’t occur to them. “A spouse is supposed to listen to you? What? What kind of crazy answer is that?”

    So that’s the end of the bullseye round. Mike says, “Do we have any money, though?”

    Well, aside from the $1,000 that you got from the first correct answer, there’s the $5,000 that you start with. Doesn’t he know this? Wasn’t he a big fan of the Ray Colms era of Family Feud, which this game is based on?

    Oh, maybe the other family got that first answer right because Mike and Erin only have $5,000.

    6:30 – Now we’re at the first actual question. “Name something people can inherit gentically from their parents.” Eye colour. Hair colour. Skin colour. Height. Mental health problems.

    Mike says “hair line”, an answer that obviously will not be there. Erin says, “Do you think that will be there instead of eye colour?”

    Erin, use your fucking head and veto Mike’s idiotic “comedy” answer in favour of your obviously correct answer. This is fucking colours. It’s right up Erin’s alley. Of course she got this one right.

    Erin just types in “hair” and says “should I put hair colour?” She’s all about the colours. But she leaves it at “hair” and then the number two answer is revealed as “hair colour.”

    The computer chooses height, which is number three.

    Erin wins control of the board and eagerly begins typing “eye colour” as Mike racks his brain trying to come up with answers, his eyes never leaving the chat.

    Then…eugh…Erin looks to the chat. They aren’t going to play this properly.

    Somebody in the chat says “money” and Erin gives a weird look, mentally counting her fortune from her parents, and then re-reads the question and says, “No, genetically.”

    8:45 – Erin claims, for the second time this stream, that it’s stressful.

    9:45 – Erin says “trauma”, which I think is her own answer, and a real insight into her life.

    She didn’t go with “trauma”, though. Instead, she went with “skin”, which was wrong and their third strike.

    My answers were all given. So…let’s think…I don’t know. Weight, although this would have been a controversial answer in the 1990s.

    Heart problems and skin colour were the final two answers. I guess they didn’t accept “skin” for “skin colour.”

    11:00 – “Name a food that leaves you with a couple of days of leftovers.” That’s clearly a Thanksgiving-based question. I’ll say turkey…I don’t know. Stuffing wouldn’t be there, surely. Maybe it’s not just Thanksgiving. Maybe just any big meal. Stew. Maybe Erin will say “casserole” and amuse us all again.

    Mike says, “Turkey, Thanksgiving.”

    Let’s give Erin a shot at these, Mike. It’s her stream. People want to see her answers.

    Mike says “pizza” and Erin immediately looks at the chat. She can’t even give ONE answer herself. Just name a fucking food. What’s so hard about that?

    She looks at the chat and says, “Oh, chili. That’s a good one. Like anything in a crock pot, really.”

    This is a reference to her tweet a few months ago where she boasted about how she was using a crock pot to make lentil soup.

    Mike says, “I think you should say pizza.” Erin says, “But…a couple of days?”

    How much fucking pizza is Erin eating? Yes, a couple of days. She’s sitting there and gorging herself.

    11:45 – “I’m going to put casserole.”

    Oh my god, she did it. Shout out to my favourite article.

    She wasn’t even saying this as a joke. What is her obsession with casseroles?

    Erin reluctantly puts “pizza” and then says, “Because if they literally mean days…pizza is like one extra day.”

    I just don’t get it. They’re either ordering very small pizzas or Erin is eating a lot of pizza. Pizza is CLEARLY going to be there.

    What? It wasn’t.

    Hopefully, she returns to this casserole idea.

    Oh my god, she’s putting “casserole” in there.

    Mike says, “So that means you down the entire pizza?”

    Yeah. He doesn’t get it either. But…haven’t they ordered a pizza in the FIVE YEARS that they’ve been living together? He doesn’t seen how quickly or otherwise Erin is inhaling pizza?

    Casserole wasn’t on there, of course.

    Then the chat suggests “lasagna” which Erin eagerly agrees to, lasagna just being another type of casserole, of course. Erin is all about casserole for whatever bizarre reason.

    No lasagna so that’s their third strike.

    I don’t know. What did I say? Stew. I’m not sure about that. I think that pizza was a good answer, despite Erin’s vociferous objections.

    The computer chooses roast beef, which was on there. I’m not entirely sure what that is. I only know it from Arby’s sandwiches. What is roast beef? Let me look this up.

    Oh yeah. Like a big chunk of meat that gets carved. I’ve seen this at some of your “classier” casino buffets.

    Pasta was number two. Weird answer. Then meat loaf. Then soup.

    I don’t know. That was a bad question and bad answers.

    13:45 – “Name something you read every day without fail.” Newspaper…what else can it be? Do they want specific sections in the newspaper? Your horoscope. The comics page. The weather. Maybe magazines.

    Oh my god, Erin actually didn’t need help on this one. She said the newspaper. Good job, Erin. You can do it.

    Mike says TV Guide. Yeah, that’s good.

    Newspaper was number one. So then Mike says “try road signs.”

    What fucking stupidity is this? And this was after he gave the suggestion of TV Guide, horoscope, and Dear Abby. He thinks that ROAD SIGNS is going to be there. Like people READ road signs. They’re taking a moment to read the stop sign.

    Even though Erin, rightly, suspected that it wouldn’t be there, she typed it in anyway. Erin, use your judgement. Do not put his stupid answers in there.

    A horntard suggests bible. That was on there.

    Mail, another horntard suggestion, was on there.

    Horntards are suggesting “clock”. Again, Erin is skeptical, citing the bad answer of “road signs” but she still puts it in anyway. There is NO WAY “clock” is going to be there.

    Unbelieveably, it was there.

    Then the game just ends abruptly even though there was still an answer up there. What the fuck happened? Did they edit something out? Let me check.

    Oh, they did indeed. Let’s see what controversial, too hot for Youtube answers there were.

    Well, Erin, a holder of an English degree, misspells “calendar” as “calender” but surely that’s not the reason.

    Oh, a horntard corrects her spelling and she immediately tries “calendar.” So maybe that was the reason. She was just embarrassed by this spelling error. WHO CARES? Why would THIS of all things, cause her to be embarrassed? Of all the humiliations that she endures in every stream why is THIS the thing that she decided she didn’t want to rebroadcast?

    And that was the correct answer. So they got a clean sweep. But we don’t see ANY of this in the Youtube video. There’s just a brief cut to the victory because Erin was so self-conscious about this minor SPELLING mistake that LOADS of people get wrong.

    Absolutely unbelieveable. The video doesn’t even MAKE SENSE the way she’s edited this out. And it’s for such a petty reason.

    16:45 – So they’re at the Fast Money round. Mike tells Erin that she has to be quick. Erin panics and asks Mike if he wants to do it. Mike declines and says “You’re more used to it.” In what fucking universe is Erin more used to typing shit into video games than Mike is?

    “Name a part of the body that changes least with age.” Erin suggests legs.

    Oh, this could be good. Given the nature of the round, Erin doesn’t have time to wait for the horntards to give answers.

    “Learn something Boy Scouts learn to do.” Erin says “start a fire”. I would have said “tie knots.”

    “Name a color of the rainbow.” Oh, Erin has this one. I’ll say blue but what’s her answer going to be? Mike…FUCK OFF. He interjects with “red”. This was Erin’s fucking moment. We wanted to hear HER colour. Fucking piece of shit.

    “How many shows do you try and watch whenever they’re on.”

    I don’t think a native English speaker wrote these questions. Erin says three.

    “Name a fruit used in pies.” I’ll say apple. That’s what Erin went with as well.

    They got 126 points. Mike says that it’s his turn and he shouldn’t have been looking. I was going to make the same point. Mike should have been off in a sound-proof booth, just like on the show.

    They end up with 178, owing to Mike’s sometimes stupid answers. So a big fail but still, five dollars a point that’s…890 big ones.

    The prize money was never good on Family Feud. They got $890 split five ways. It’s not even worth it. When you factor in the cost of gas, and parking, and having to buy nice clothes, and the missed work, you end up LOSING money.

    Even if they got the $5,000 jackpot, who gives a shit? That’s $1,000 for each of them for a day’s work. It’s surely more than they would have made working but it’s hardly life-changing money. You’re not going to buy a car with it. You’re going to maybe redo the tiling in the bathroom and that’s it. It’s worth all of that hassle of going onto the show for new bathroom tiles?

    They seem to play this for another round. Let’s see if it improves. I won’t go detailed with this.

    Mike is playing now.

    It’s the Bulls Eye round. One of the questions is about your favourite fried food. Mike is typing “chicken” and Erin laughs. Mike then panics and says “should I put fries instead?” Erin insists that chicken was a good answer and that she doesn’t know why she laughed. I don’t either. But Mike, like an idiot, changes his answer to “french fries”, which, bizarrely, was the right answer. Then Mike says, “I bet chicken was number one, though.”

    No. Don’t you know what the fucking Bulls Eye round is? ONLY the top answer matters. ONLY the top answer is given. He doesn’t have a fucking clue. He calls himself a Family Feud fan?

    I believe that Ray Colms hated the Bulls Eye round, by the way. It was shit.

    26:30 – The question was, “Name a dog in cartoons or comics”. The final two answers, which nobody got, were Daisy and Sandy. Erin says that she doesn’t know either of them. She’s not a big Little Orphan Annie fan, I guess.

    Who’s Daisy, though? Oh, the dog from Blondie.

    27:30 – The question is “Name something that most people do at the same time every day of their lives.” Mike says “poop” which is what I thought too, but is it going to be on there? Erin went with “wake up.” But in response to Mike’s answer, Erin said, “If they’re extremely regular” which might be the first time I’ve ever laughed at one of Erin’s “jokes.”

    So they lost the second game.

    35:00 – They’re playing again.

    49:00 – The question is name a famous tiger. The number one answer is Tony the Tiger. Erin put the answer in and they gave her credit for Tiger, from Winnie the Pooh. The computer also gave Tony the Tiger as an answer and they buzzed it. So it’s a bug. They didn’t recognize Tony the Tiger. Maybe if she just would have written “Tony” it would have solved the problem. Because when she wrote “Tony the Tiger” it gave her credit for Tigger, as like a misspelled word.

    So they lose and turn the game off.

    Do I want to watch any more of this? Not really. I’ll just skip around.

    1:07:00 – Mike is complaining about an imaginary person who criticises Erin for being bad at a video game that she’s never played before. Erin REPEATEDLY says that she’s never played the game before. It’s like her catchphrase. And Mike says, “I’d like to take the person who complains about not being an expert at a game you’ve never played before, put him in front of a large audience, have him play a game that he’s never played before, and see how he does.”

    Mike, you’re missing the point, probably intentionally. Most people would have more sense than that. They wouldn’t make videos about video games when they don’t have any experience or knowledge about video games. It’s called not being a lying grifter.

    Nobody cares that she sucks at video games and knows nothing about them. The issue is why do this then? Why the blatent dishonesty?

    So that was Erin crying about not being able to spell “calendar”. I can’t believe that she edited that out. It’s completely trivial. She seems to get hung up on things that don’t matter AT ALL but ignores the MASSIVE problems with her channel. Did we need a 30 minute video where she just talks about colours and plays the first level in a few shitty games, badly? The entire foundation of her channel is rotten and she has no personality AT ALL. THAT’S what she should be embarrassed about. Just stop making the videos. This isn’t for you. There’s no shame in it. People are good at different things.

  • Chris Bores’ New Book (Plus Bonus Newt Wallen Content)

    So he has a book on “creepypasta” which he defines as urban legends that come from the internet. It’s a good thing he defined it because I had no fucking idea.

    Before I get into the book, which is insane, let’s look at the promotional video, which is also insane.

    0:00 – “Today I’m sue excited.”

    I’ve never heard somebody mispronounce “so” before. It’s two letters, Chris. How did you POSSIBLY get this wrong? And I don’t think that this is a flub. I think that this is his pronunciation. But if that’s the case, how did I miss it all these years? “So” much come up a lot. And this is REALLY noticeable. Maybe a ghost briefly possessed him.

    “A lot of people have been waiting for this.”

    He’s talking about his book. Literally nobody has been waiting for it. The comments are full of angry people giving him shit for making a big multi-day countdown to this. Apparently, this is something that he was doing and people expected a new Irate Gamer episode to be the big news. But no, it was this “creepypasta” book.

    Also, what I noticed was weird about this video, one of many things, is that he’s holding the camera with one hand, with his arm outstretched, and constantly gesticulating with the other hand in an aggressive manner. Just put the camera on a fucking tripod. Or a stack of books on your dresser. Something. This is a professional? How many years has he been making videos?

    1:30 – “I kind of am like a demonologist. I go out and cleanse houses and I see this thing first hand what demons can do.”

    Uh huh. And this isn’t even related to the book in way that I can figure.

    “I tear apart all of these creepypastas.”

    This seems to suggest that he’s debunking this obviously nonsense but…no. That’s not what the book is about. It’s much more bizarre than that.

    2:15 – “I have gotten a medium, like, psychic type person to help me out and channel some of the things about this story.”

    He’s talking about the Slenderman “creepypasta” but I think he does this with all ten of his “creepypasta” topics, which include things like Polybius and Chris Chan.

    This actually made me lose complete and total interest in the book. Because before I watched the video, I read the sample pages that he has on Amazon and it was…completely mental but I thought maybe it would be unintentionally funny.

    But I don’t want to read 150 pages of what some “psychic” things about nerd legends. Who the fuck does? And why isn’t this psychic given any credit in the book? She seems to have played a massive role in this. Why isn’t she co-writer or something? Or at least give her “help” credit like James Rolfe used to do.

    It doesn’t even make sense. But he explains more so let’s get back to it.

    2:30 – “I know some people are like, ‘Psychics, whatever.’”

    Yeah. It’s all bullshit. All of this ghost shit, the psychics, whatever other 19th centry swindles you’re trying to dredge up, it’s all bullshit.

    He’s even dressed like he’s from the 19th century on the picture on the book and his Youtube profile. So this is all part of his plan. He’s doing grifts from 150 years ago. What’s next? Horse scams? Selling quack medication? He should get a wagon and a donkey and take his show on the road like Professor Marvel in the Wizard of Oz. And actually, he is planning something like that, which I’ll come to soon.

    2:45 – He says that he spoke to this psychic for two hours. I don’t even know what I should be criticising at this point. Is that not enough time to be able to put together a book on the subject or is this all just bullshit and who cares? I suppose the latter.

    3:15 – So with the help of this psychic in this two hour session, he was able to make a sketch of gameplay from the Polybius game but he cautions, “As much as we could pull because there are certain things that even the powers that be did not want out there to influence others.”

    I don’t know who he’s referring to. Demons? Jews? The Illuminati? Donald Trump? I don’t know. But there’s somebody out there who doesn’t want you to see all of Chris Bores’ shitty sketches of Polybius, a game that doesn’t exist, that he was somehow able to channel with the help of a psychic.

    But what would knowing what the game looks like even do? What’s the harm? I guess because it’s like a haunted game. Demons are going to do something or ghosts or monsters or something.

    3:30 – “When you hear the description of what this game entailed, you’re going to be like…’Oh my god, that makes so much sense.’”

    Chris, none of this makes sense. And what a fucking tease that is. You’re going to think “This makes so much sense.” Who fucking cares? I was expecting, “Oh my god, this changes everything. I can’t believe that this true.” No. Just…”Oh, that makes sense. Cool. They were demons. Just as I suspected. Moving on.”

    5:00 – “I’m also doing a museum that I’m taking around to different conventions.”

    This is his traveling sideshow scam that he’s working on. Come see…WHAT? What does he have in this fucking “museum”?

    There’s the video where he promotes this traveling con show but…he doesn’t show anything. So…what are we…I guess it’s going to be like replicas of the inconsequential shit that he talks about in the book. At best. Who cares about that?

    I guess that he can’t show you the actual items in the video because demons wouldn’t allow that. He’s all about those demons. Anything he doesn’t want to explain, demons is his go to answer. It used to be ghosts but he seems to have moved on to demons.

    5:15 – “The energy in this thing just blew my mind.”

    WHAT THING? What the fuck is in this “museum”? There’s no way it’s anything authentic because he either wouldn’t have access to this shit or the shit doesn’t exist. So why the “energy”? Energy from your shitty replicas?

    5:45 – “These items that I have are the avatars for darkness.”

    I think that that pretty much confirms that these are just replicas. He calls replicas “avatars for darkness.” Most people just call it “cheap bootleg crap.”

    Then he ends the video by telling you to get the book. He wanted to make it as “affordable as possible.” Which is twenty bucks, apparently. Pretty steep for a 150 page book.

    Top comment is: “Saying this with love; I’m worried about you and your mental state.”

    So we go to Amazon using his affiliate link and thereby giving him a penny. The book is only available as a paperback. Not digital.

    There was no reason he couldn’t make this digital. He did this to make piracy less easy, I guess, but who the fuck was going to bootleg this fucking shit?

    No reviews.

    There are a few sample pages available.

    So it starts with SonicChu, which is some medallion that Chris Chan wore. I don’t know or care anything about this or Chris Chan but fortunately, Chris BORES gives a very libelous introduction.

    “Anyone who watched his videos, could see that he suffered from a severe case of autism. He showcased himself almost daily and put his disability on display for all to see.”

    And it only gets worse from there. I like towards the end he says, “Chris Chan would soon form a condition known as Cognitive Dissonance.”

    Cognitive dissonance is a phrase that I’ve used…well, let’s check…five times on the blog. It’s not a mental disability. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s not capitalised either. It’s something that everybody experiences. You hold two conflicting views on a subject and it makes you feel uneasy because you can’t reconcile the views.

    Like when PVC Bondage Guy eats a fried chicken the size of her head despite the fact that she’s supposed to be getting in shape for her wrestling “career.” She knows full well head-sized chicken products are not healthy and are going to lead to weight gain but she justifies it to herself by saying, “I’m in the ‘bulking’ phase of my diet.”

    Politically. Somebody might think that voting is pointless (which is true) but they vote anyway because it’s their “civic duty.” The two things can’t both be true. Why would it be your “civic duty” to do something that’s pointless. But that’s the argument. This cognitive dissonance leads to feelings of unease. That’s all it is. It’s not a mental health problem like Chris BORES thinks it is.

    You believe in ghosts and demons but your “proof” is that your golf cart broke down momentarily while on vacation. You need more proof than that. You’re basing your entire Youtube “career” on ghosts and demons being real but the universe is conspiring against you by offering absolutely no proof of the existence of ghosts and demons. So it leads to an unpleasant feeling. That’s cognitive dissonance. Big fucking deal, you fucking retard conman.

    So that’s Chris’ book and traveling sideshow of cheap crap and…whatever else he’s planning. I suspect that he didn’t sell a single copy of that book. How could he? Who’s buying it? The comments are 100% calling him a crazy person.

    Speaking of which, let’s move on to Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.

    He’s reviewing Mountain Dew. They’ve got a new flavour. Catch it while you can.

    He’s outside of the street where his movie theatre is and it’s actually interesting to me because I checked this street out for a previous article on Google Street View and indeed, this looks familiar.

    1:15 – “I’m supposed to be getting in shape and I am down five pounds, getting rid of the double chin a little bit. It’s also the angle that I shoot at.”

    This is all a reference to a throw away line that I wrote here:

    I mentioned that he has a double chin. Now he has a complex about it.

    I wish that he would take the more substantive stuff that I say about him to heart. About being a giant asshole and whatnot. But he’s so vain and self-obsessed that THIS is what he focuses on. This superficial bullshit.

    Although, I am pleased that Newt had to read through my multi-paragraph rant against the US in order to get to that double chin comment. He’s reading about the Powel Memorandum and how the US is a nation built on gun-loving cowards and H L Mencken and whatnot and he’s stroking his double chin and thinking, “Oh, fascinating. I’ll have to look into that.”

    Just like with this article, Newt had to read all about cognitive dissonance before he got to the juicy part about himself. It’s like I’m punishing him with knowledge. If you want to get to the narcissistic goodness, you must first suffer through my off-topic rants.

    Anyway, Newt lost five pounds while sucking down the sodas. Well, good for you, Newt. People gain and lose five pounds on a regular basis. It’s the normal fluctuation of weight in human beings owing to changes in fluid retention. Give us an update when you lost twenty pounds.

    And get fucking PVC Bondage Guy in on this weight lose journey. It’s totally irresponsible to let that transmasc individual continue to balloon like that.

    This isn’t entirely on point but I was just suddenly reminded of fat lesbians. I had a neighbour who was married to a guy and she had a couple of kids. My sister used to babysit for them. This woman apparently struggled with her weight when she was younger but I only knew her as a fairly slim woman. She talked about food all the time, though, and her kids were overweight because she fed them too much.

    Then she got divorced. Almost immediately she gained, I’m not even exaggerating, two hundred pounds. She went from, whatever, 150 pounds to 350 pounds. Like overnight.

    Then she got a butch girlfriend. The girlfriend was bigger than she was.

    So they’re at my house, they’re sitting on my mother’s three seater sofa, and it’s just the two of them. Nobody else can fit on that sofa. And you hear the sofa creaking. And my mother is looking uncomfortable, just waiting for it to collapse. And this butch lesbian is ranting against this woman’s ex-husband and men generally and god knows what.

    Last I checked, her son is HUGE and works as a truck driver in Texas. And she lives with him in a trailer. The butch girlfriend is long gone. I’m thinking that she’s also still enormous.

    Anyway, back to grifting. The Music Man. I’ve posted this clip before but it can be enjoyed on many levels. The one you see most often in the comments is, “What the fuck? Gary is a shithole. If this guy ever sang this in Gary today, he’d be shot.”

    But the deeper enjoyment is much more fulfilling. The guy is a grifter in the early 20th century. Even at the time, Gary wasn’t a great place to live. And the “facts” he’s giving about Gary are all wrong. That’s the joke. He’s conning this town into buying band uniforms or some shit.

  • Johanna from Hack the Movies Lost a Lot of Weight

    Am I crazy? At first, I thought it was some new skank that Tony was having in the video. No. It’s Johanna from Hack the Movies.

    I haven’t looked at Tony’s videos in at least a year. But it looks like she lost at least fifty pounds since then.

    https://linktr.ee/stufflikehearts

    I was looking at her Link Tree for confirmation but there’s really nothing. She doesn’t seem to be on Twitter any more, opting instead for BlueSky. But it’s just an old profile picture and she rarely posts.

    I remember driving to this park with a lake, because I wanted to look at something pretty, and just sitting there to prepare myself about how my Mom was gonna die due to alcoholism. MCR was blaring. I was crying. Then I drove to the hospital to visit her. She was discharged almost a month later.

    Johanna 🖤✨ (@stufflikehearts.bsky.social) 2025-07-28T23:47:26.834Z

    Here’s a post seemingly from a rather recent event where her mother almost died. None of her siblings visited her mother at the hospital. Then her mother got better. Then her mother-in-law died. Then her mother told people about her mother-in-law dying, which apparently she shouldn’t have done due to “legal reasons.” Whatever that means. So then her mother got upset with her.

    No responses. Because nobody goes to fucking BlueSky. But at least she’s sticking it to Elon Musk.

    I also noticed that Castszilla versus the Podmonster, her and Tony’s beleaguered Godzilla podcast, ended in April 2024. It was entirely unwatchable by the end. They just did it off the cuff. No preparation. It was all just to shake retards down for “donataions.”

    Speaking of which, she has her “Throne” site linked here. This is like the Amazon Wish List thing that prostitutes will put up. I’ve never seen this before. She wants you to buy her things because…fuck knows? It’s mostly Dungeons & Dragons dice.

    She’s also on Tumblr? What year is this? But it’s all anime pictures.

    This woman is married. Just stop this shit. But good for her on the weight loss and condolences on the mother-in-law and the shitty mother.

    Is Tony doing anything interesting? Umm….no. There’s not a single video I want to subject myself to and his Twitter is just full of bizarre re-tweets of some guy attacking fat chicks called the Plus Size Park Hoppers, a group of obese women who go to Disney World. I think that Tony does this right wing stuff to try to gain viewers but…is it working? I think that the idea is that he does this “ironically” but I think that he genuinely holds these views.

    What about Horseface?

    Oh, that’s really hot. Horseface is going to Nashville and wants “recommendations.” WHAT recommendations? I recommend getting a job and stopping this nonsense where you pretend to be a hot chick.

    Is Tennesee even a state where people typically wear cowboy hats?

    NO mention of Tennessee other than somebody claiming to be from Tennessee who says, “If you see cowboy hats in Nashville they’re usually tourists!”

    What a fucking dope Horseface is.